Interferences

Firstly, an important question if there was ever one: Do you like my new nail varnish?

Secondly, I seem to have accidentally gotten myself stuck into internet dating. Yes, I know, that’s twice. How daft can you be?

So get ready for some breathtaking accounts of my online adventures. Or not.

Because something weird keeps happening: Every time I click on a potential suitor’s profile, Mr Nice pops into my head. Then, of course, the poor bloke doesn’t stand much of a chance.

Because Mr Nice is just so annoyingly handsome that my heart stops to do a little dance of disbelief every time he takes his top off.

And I happen to have spent a lot of Saturday ogling said topless Mr Nice. As you do…

Well, no, as you don’t, obviously. But rest assured that I also spent the time studiously pretending not to be interested. At all.

In fact, I found bulldozing through a sandpit with my two-year old daughter and his four-year old son far more engrossing than watching him do cool tricks on his windsurf.

Ok, so this was the shortcut, but the long story, which isn’t that long really, goes like this:

Mr Nice chickened out ended things between us in late April (gory details here), and we decided to be friends  (here). He simultaneously got caught up in difficult work and family situations, and I was (mostly) successful at not contacting him. After sitting on my hands for so long, I had to high-five myself (yes, yes, I’m allowed, special dispensation), and paint my nails (green).

Anyway, Mr Nice kept in touch rather infrequently but regularly, and we saw each other a few times, briefly, and mostly with our children.

Children are fabulous accessories in this sort of potentially loaded situations, because they negate the need for any kind of awkward conversation. They just occupy the space, make a lot of noise, and demand that you push their swing, buy them ice-cream, play the violin while doing a handstand…

And so it was that on Friday, I was trawling through my internet dating inbox, thinking that I would never manage to get through it, when Mr Nice called to invite the children and I to spend the afternoon at a nearby lake the next day.

The sky was blue, the views were stunning, Mr Nice taught my son how to windsurf, and I built an entire city in the sand-pit, complete with an airport, a school and about twenty swimming pools (yes, 2012 seems to be the year of swimming pools in the trendy world of under-5s’ urban design).

Everyone had a great time, my son is apparently a natural at windsurfing, Mr Nice has officially become his idol, and said we’d have to do this again soon.

Right.

Right…

Ok then.

Birdy – Skinny love:

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24 thoughts on “Interferences

  1. Sounds dangerous…Seems like he’s having his cake and eating it, not sure what you’re getting especially if you’re still into him and a line has been drawn where romance is concerned. Take care of your heart!! xxx

    • Hey Emma, and wow, that was fast commenting!
      One thing is sure, Mr Nice is not playing me now, or in the future, I am not prepared to let this happen.
      Meanwhile, what I get out of this is to see someone I really like, as a friend, and a bit more of course… But I am pretty sure it goes both ways.
      Thanks for guarding my heart, though, I appreciate xx

  2. Carry on being cool (I love the nails btw). Just enjoy the view and forget the internet dating for a while. If being friends is what you can cope with, do so, if not, tell him ‘au revoir’.

    Perhaps your non contact has made him think a bit. Not everything works at the first attempt….!

    • Hey Katie, it’s been a while, good to hear from you! How have you been keeping? Where’s your blog?
      I think I can cope with being friends for now, and whether it’s my contact policy or just time, he has realised that he is more attached to me than he thought. Things are up in the air, and will take a while to become clearer methinks. I have a lot of thinking to do too, and I haven’t stopped the internet dating yet, I guess meeting other people (my profile makes it clear that I am only looking for friendship at this stage) is part of my thinking process…
      xx

      • I’m fine, thank you. My blog is still there but I seem to have lost the ability to write anything interesting. Perhaps I can only do one creative thing at a time, and right now it’s jewellery.

        I also agree with Judith, could be good to be ‘busy’ sometimes, when he calls you. x

  3. If you are really friends, imagine how you’ll feel when he first tells you about this great woman he met (because, if you’re really friends, he will). If you can honestly say that you’ll be happy for him and interested in hearing about it, then carry on spending time together and it might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship (I have an ex-bf like that, so I’m being serious, not sarcastic).

    BUT.

    If the thought of that is anathema to you, then you aren’t really his friend yet and need to give yourself some more time before you can be. And If he wants more than friendship, he’ll make that clear. Men don’t dance around what they want. If they want more, you’ll know. And if he’s making it clear that he only wants your friendship (regardless of any lingering attraction or appreciation), then please safeguard your heart and be careful. It’s so terribly easy to want something and get lost in the fantasy of it coming to fruition. I think if you stay grounded and take care of yourself and you’ll be fine. 🙂

    • Ah TPG, thanks for nailing it better than I ever could have…
      You are right, of course.
      As things stand now, I am happy to be friends. I would find it tough if he introduced me to the great woman, but the bottom line is that I value his friendship enough not to stop at that.
      And the fact that I had registered for internet dating kind of meant that I had given up on him romantically.
      I haven’t gone into all the detail here, but it is pretty clear on both sides that we’d like more than friendship. The big questions are: Is this possible? Can the issues that made us crash the first time be solved, and if so, in what time frame? Do we want to risk our friendship?
      I guess, this is where we are right now, and only time (a while) will tell what happens.
      For once, I feel grounded, even if the situation is slightly confusing, I feel safe.
      🙂

    • Hey Kim,
      I am keeping cool. Nothing’s happened which could compromise my heart’s safety, and I don’t think that’s going to change in a hurry. I guess we are getting to know each other differently for now, we are taking our time at that, and I am enjoying it.
      How are you this week? (will check up on you now) xx

  4. Enjoy the afternoon with the children and Mr Nice as an added benefit. But my friend, do do take care. Is he using you or is he really ready to be a friend and are you ready to be his friend,
    Maybe you shouldn’t always be ready to meet him when he calls. Anyway, take a deep breathe and relax.
    End of sermon! 🙂

    • Aaaw, I am touched by how many of my dear readers are looking out for me!
      I haven’t been blogging about it, but things have been developing very slowly in the background, and only just become a bit clearer.
      For now, I am enjoying being genuinely friends, and getting to know him differently and slowly. I do not know what will happen in the future, but I do know that nothing is going to happen any time soon. xx

    • I got the varnish as a mother’s day present to myself! And I understand what you mean. I am watching out for my heart (and my children’s).
      xx

  5. I like your nail varnish, I have something similar –  it’s young, fashionable, vibrant and fun… 
    But that’s where I think you should leave it. 
    I don’t begrudge anyone fun or romance.. you deserve to have all these things and more but, these are some of my reasons why you should not do this: 
    A) as nice as friendship is, he does not see it that way. Never has done and never will. You see potential friendship he sees a potential lay. 
    B) it’s not so bad that, when things go wrong, you can turn to cigarettes, alcohol, music, chocolate, whatever else it may be. Sadly, your children won’t be able to. They will get attached. Don’t let them. He’s not going to be there for them forever if not til the end of this season. 
    C) He’s not THAT ‘nice’. I honestly believe without a shadow of a doubt he was still sleeping with his wife, or whatever she is to him, when you two started dating. And I think he told you something you just wanted to hear, and maybe, just something he wanted to believe. He tells you about her. Your days out won’t even get a mention when he’s cuddling her at night. 
    D) I’ve done this before with someone who used to go back home to his partner of ten years at two am in the morning. I met him straight after he’d been out with her of an evening. He even used to describe the film he’d been to see. Men lie and do it without even thinking about it. They’re natural liars. So it was easy to jump right back in bed with her and tell him he’d been to work or wherever else it was. And of course she would believe it.. she even still believed him when I told her to her face. 
     I thought I could handle it, and then you find yourself walking around all day thinking about nothing but them and start doing dodgy things like trying to contact their girlfriend or telling her what an arsehole they’re  seeing. And you know what, no one wins except the guy. Because they can get away with this kind of behaviour. You won’t! 

    Please, If you want to keep him in your life, I would do this – if he genuinely enjoys YOUR company then make sure it’s your company and no one else’s. Keep everyone else out of it. If he mentions his partner, get up and leave. You’re not his therapist. The only things you should be taking out on these daytrips are: a towel, sun protection, condoms and a comb to brush your hair after he’s dragged you through the mill and back with his sappy stories. Seriously. Keep the children far away from him until you’ve established a solid repertoire.  Four months of dating does not warrant him family time, these are luxuries that should be earned. You may as well just be giving this man a key to your house and an extra toothbrush for when he stays over and leaves to go back home in the morning. 
    He’s biding his time to have sex with you and that’s all he wants and cares about. Nothing else and nothing more. It’s horrible and heartbreaking but isn’t it better you know that now?
    I would also get off the dating sites (they’ll be full of men like him, they may not look the same, but they will be essentially the same and looking for casual and easy fun) and find someone in real life who you can suss out and find out what they’re like in the flesh. 
    Then at least you’ll know they’re not in a relationship already. He is… with himself! 
    And that’s what you should be, with your kids.

     All these women on here aren’t telling you it’s dangerous for their benefit. It’s probably because we’ve all had to learn the hard way. 
    He’s so lucky to have you – NOT the other way around. Believe in yourself a bit more. When you start doing that and respecting yourself he’ll see that in you and change. Right now.. he won’t. 
    It’s fun now, but it won’t stay like this. Take control while you still can. 

  6. In as far as my opinion means anything on the subject, your nail varnish looks very nice. As to Mr Nice, I pretty much agree with everyone else. Enjoy yourself but take care too. You know this already but I didn’t get where I am today without making more mistakes than youv’e had hot dinners, and I failed to learn from a lot of them, so being a bit wary in these circumstances comes naturally to me.

  7. I trust that you will guard your heart, but I also think it’s excellent that you still find faith in love. You are so brave to spend time with someone you clearly adore but cannot have (yet?) and to not let that keep you from making yourself vulnerable with online dating again. Just remember that under the armor you are a knight! Valliant, strong and courageous…and clearly not in need of rescuing. 🙂

    • Aww, thank god for your comment DFB. You are spot on.
      I was despairing about my chances to get the right message across at this stage!
      I really like Mr Nice, and just know he is nice man. I know I can trust my instinct on this now, and that’s a huge step forward. He also really likes me and we get on well, BUT I’m not sure we’re ok for each other.
      I remember reading about ND and how his confidence in you and your relationship seems unshakable. Well, that’s what I need, given how insecure I tend to be, and I’m not sure Mr Nice is capable of giving me that.
      Probably because it takes a very confident man to be like ND, and Mr Nice isn’t all that confident…
      Of course, it is always possible that we may gradually move towards each other (I will become less insecure, he will become more confident) over time, but nothing is more certain, and it would happen over a long time anyway.
      So in the meantime, I am giving meeting other people a go, being absolutely honest with them about where I stand and just seeing what happens. That’s the plan anyway. 🙂 xx

      • I got lucky on that one, for sure. ND knows exactly who he is and exactly what he wants and he’d not about to let it go now that he’s got it. Perhaps Mr. Nice hasn’t had enough time to re-establish a sense of self and feel grounded. Nobody can fault him for that. Which is why honesty is such a crucial beginning step. I will say though, that your wit and humor will surely attract another worthy man (and several unworthy), and let’s hope your insecurity follows further and further behind as you move forward. 🙂

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