It has finally stopped raining, and I am blowing bubbles in the garden with my little girl. It has been a strange few days. I have been restless and uncharacteristically reserved, burdened at work, and incredibly tired.
I need a break. A break from thinking too much, and leaving too many snippets of my private life exposed to the world, a break from work and the discipline involved in bringing up two children single-handedly.
And because I could not seriously consider doing any of this with split ends, I started off by getting a long overdue haircut.
In fact, much like my hair, I feel stronger these days, even though I am paradoxically more aware of my fragilities too. I reckon the only possible conclusion from this, is that in contrast to Samson, I need to get regular haircuts to feel stronger.
On a more serious note, I listen to my instinct more, and finally know I can trust it.
I have turned a page.
As with most things in my life, it didn’t come as a breakthrough, a single defining moment, but rather, it’s crept up on me when I wasn’t looking. If under duress (say I was threatened with not being able to eat chocolate for a week), I had to pin-point some dates, I would hasard that the change started gathering momentum around the first anniversary of T’s leaving (and of this blog) last January, followed by letting someone new into my life, then experiencing and mourning a different relationship.
2012 is a different year.
I still have bad moments when my confidence wavers and fear dominates my life, I still find it hard to relate to T, and to entirely let go of the pain he inflicted on me. But overall, I feel more grounded than probably ever before.
I still find it incredibly sad that our little daughter will never know her parents together, and that my family was ripped to shreds. I still struggle with separating my children at least every other weekend, and rarely ever getting a break from being a mum to my son. But overall, my children are growing into lovely, balanced, little people, who amaze, humble, and harass me on a daily basis. Life goes on.
I have projects, ideas I still need to mull over, and sudden impulses such as taking up playing the guitar again, that add flavour to this new, strange life; Not the life I would ever have chosen, but one that I am coming to accept and enjoy.
But for now, my newly-potty-trained daughter needs a wee-wee, so I need to go. Sharpish.
I’ll leave you with a great new song all the way from Canada, which feels a bit like the tranquil start of something: Monogrenade – Ce soir