Pulling back


Bubbles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has finally stopped raining, and I am blowing bubbles in the garden with my little girl. It has been a strange few days. I have been restless and uncharacteristically reserved, burdened at work, and incredibly tired.

I need a break. A break from thinking too much, and leaving too many snippets of my private life exposed to the world, a break from work and the discipline involved in bringing up two children single-handedly.

And because I could not seriously consider doing any of this with split ends, I started off by getting a long overdue haircut.

In fact, much like my hair, I feel stronger these days, even though I am paradoxically more aware of my fragilities too. I reckon the only possible conclusion from this, is that in contrast to Samson, I need to get regular haircuts to feel stronger.

On a more serious note, I listen to my instinct more, and finally know I can trust it.

I have turned a page.

As with most things in my life, it didn’t come as a breakthrough, a single defining moment, but rather, it’s crept up on me when I wasn’t looking. If under duress (say I was threatened with not being able to eat chocolate for a week), I had to pin-point some dates, I would hasard that the change started gathering momentum around the first anniversary of T’s leaving (and of this blog) last January, followed by letting someone new into my life, then experiencing and mourning a different relationship.

2012 is a different year.

I still have bad moments when my confidence wavers and fear dominates my life, I still find it hard to relate to T, and to entirely let go of the pain he inflicted on me. But overall, I feel more grounded than probably ever before.

I still find it incredibly sad that our little daughter will never know her parents together, and that my family was ripped to shreds. I still struggle with separating my children at least every other weekend, and rarely ever getting a break from being a mum to my son. But overall, my children are growing into lovely, balanced, little people, who amaze, humble, and harass me on a daily basis. Life goes on.

I have projects, ideas I still need to mull over, and sudden impulses such as taking up playing the guitar again, that add flavour to this new, strange life; Not the life I would ever have chosen, but one that I am coming to accept and enjoy.

But for now, my newly-potty-trained daughter needs a wee-wee, so I need to go. Sharpish.

I’ll leave you with a great new song all the way from Canada, which feels a bit like the tranquil start of something: Monogrenade – Ce soir


12 thoughts on “Pulling back

    • Thank you Kim, how do you have that gift for saying the right things every time? I like the hair cut too. It’s weird how a haircut helps you feel like a new person, isn’t it? x

  1. “I still have bad moments when my confidence wavers and fear dominates my life…” There’s always at least one line or idea in your posts that will jump off the screen and hit me in the eye. This is where I’ve been for a while now. I know it will pass but it’s painful while it lasts. I think the fact that the ow has tried recently to post nasty comments on my blog is a factor. Also, D has reentered my space via email and my checking account as he finally has started to pay the rest of my divorce settlement. It was due four years ago. I’m grateful for the money but just seeing his name in my mail log unsettles me. It surprises me that it does. Damn, damn, damn!!!

    On a lighter note, I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. 🙂 It’s never long enough to have split ends but a haircut always lifts my spirits.

    Loved the music. Wish I could speak French.

    • I can so understand where you’re coming from Pat… Damn those pesky exes and the painful memories attached to them.
      Hope you like your hair cut! x
      PS. Hope you didn’t get a shiner from that idea hitting you in the eye
      PPS. The ow must be really insecure to be stalking you like this.

  2. This is such a bizarre coincidence (even though I don’t actually believe in coincidences!) but the same picture you have used for your blog, is the picture used in a meditation video (which I regulary use) by a lovely and inspirational (French lady!) called Lilou Mace. Next time you blow your bubbles with your daughter you should maybe try setting some wishes into the universe like her video suggests 🙂
    Here it is, you have to check her out she changed my life!

    It’s called bubble meditation by lilou Mace.
    PS I always like to listen to your music selection, it’s so different and beautiful to what we have here in England x

    • Thanks Nicola, and I’m so glad you enjoy my music choices ! 🙂
      How funny that I’d used the same picture as this lady…I believe in coincidences but could def do with a bit of relaxation. Will make sure to check it out. Thanks for the link !

  3. I love your writing because it is always so honest and direct. It’s great that you are experiencing some sense of healing, even if the process is somewhat mysterious. As one whose brain is currenlty made from a mixture of candy floss and cheese it’s quite hard to follow posts but there is a strengh about yours which is lifting to me. Thankyou

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