The princess who fell off her bike

fashion statement… And badly sprained her ankle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop sniggering, it could happen to anyone.

So erm, moving on: Last week, in a daring streak of supermarket psychology brilliance, I worked out that my three latest exes T, Mr Nice and Mr Xmas all fancied themselves as knights in shiny armours, rescuing me from the shackles of single-motherhood-singledom to become universally worshipped fatherly figures. Except that becoming universally-worshipped fatherly figures turned out to be too hard, so off they went…

Fine.

Well, not fine, really, but whatever.

Well perhaps not whatever either, because, as fellow blogger That Precarious Gait accurately pointed out, what was my role in all this?

She’s right, what was I doing?

Name: Lady E

Occupation: Lapsed scientist, lapsed science communication specialist, accidentally turned international relation-ist.

Looks: Short, slight, dark-ish. Currently looking dangerously attractive in a one-legged, strap-on-cast fashion.

Likes: Summer, sitting on a beach, messing son’s hair, mum’s lasagna, having friends around, gardening, cream tea, scribbling dodgy sketches.

Dislikes: Bad weather, supermarket baguettes, coffee, mushrooms, people who decide not to vaccinate their children because, you know, it’s not naaatural.

What made her attractive: Contagious smile, awesome chocolate mousse, kind, stable.

What makes her unattractive: Well, I could go on and on with a list of flaws I see in myself, including being late, moody pre-period, insecure, short-fused and shouty when I’m tired, but don’t know what did it for my exes. None of them had anything to say about me. All they could articulate was about family life being too much.

Baggage: Anxious parents, anxious streak. Childhood-rooted fear of abandonment, compounded by experience in a few significant romantic relationships. Wobbly self-esteem.

Said baggage would explain why I unconsciously tend to doubt my ability to attract anyone permanently, and thus favour men who display rapid signs of commitment (by the way, that’s another spot-on hint from That Precarious Gait). So, that’s the ones who are totally smitten, rapidly want to settle down and have a family. They all give me a sense of security I fail to give myself.

Voilà.

So theoretically, all I have to do is find enough security in myself to counter the inevitable uncertainties of relationships, especially the new-ish ones. Piece of cake, right? While some people love the unknown and accompanying butterflies, I just get scared senseless. And it feels like each repetition of the whole abandonment trauma has heightened the fear.

Ow, great then, sounds like I might have to stay single for the next 60 years or so…

Because whilst I am a wiz in the garden, no amount of mulching and composting seems to have had much effect on the self-reassurance / security I have been trying to grow for a few years…

So if you happen to have any green-fingered tips on how to grow your sense of security, and manage your fear of abandonment in relationships, I’d love to hear them!

Right. This song’s had me dancing uncontrollably (yes, on one leg) lately. Oooh yeah ! 🙂

Sugar how you get so fly?

Sugar how you get so fly?

Robin Schulz – Sugar

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12 thoughts on “The princess who fell off her bike

  1. It’s so hard, isn’t it, to really know what we might be able to do differently in the future? But it’s empowering, too, to begin to feel that we are not merely a victim of our circumstances. To begin to recognize the roles we play and the contributions we make and understand that we can change both of those things, thereby asserting some control over our relationships and their direction. Feeling powerless is a close cousin to feeling hopeless, so I think there is value in identifying what we can improve upon and tackling it authentically and honesty. I wish you luck! ❤️

    • You’re right, recognising your role is a notch better than feeling like a mere victim, but still, I must admit to feeling pretty powerless… There’s a gap between knowing what you’ve got to change and actually changing it that I don’t seem to be able to cross. How do you change something as profoundly rooted inside yourself as fear of abandonment?
      I’m gonna need all the luck I can get 😉
      xx

  2. Funnily enough, I was thinking I really should send you that email with my private thoughts on your problem but “TPG” ( above ) has nailed the main one. If you are the common factor with all three men, and you are, something in you is at least contributing to the problem. On the blogging level, I’ve always found you to be a super-nice and charming individual so I am sure the difficulty is far from being unfixable. You’ve got me thinking anyway, because it would be lovely to see you settled and happy 🙂

    • Coucou Peter,
      Thanks for your enduring support and optimism.
      Must say that I’d love to see myself durably settled and happy too 😉
      Out of curiosity, what’s been the key to your happiness and settling ?
      x

  3. Well done on the analysis. You know many of the answers.

    A good start point is to acknowledge we are each 100% responsible for our side of a relationship.
    If you top need is for Security/ Certainty then that will take over on an unconscious level and will be picked up by your partner. Men have an inbuilt need to feel successful with the woman they love. However if they end up feeling that they are not being despite all they are doing they will look elsewhere. I am not saying you did this consciously
    But ask yourself this “Do I love him because I need him or Do I need him because I Love Him”

    • Dear Caroline,
      Thank you for your kind words. I’ve actually been mulling over your comment on and off all of today…
      Did I love them because I needed them, or did I need them because I loved them? It feels like a mixture of both, really. Probably more of the latter, but not only…
      Anyway, I have conscious about not letting Security/ Certainty become my top need, but have apparently not managed it yet.
      The question remains how do I get there?
      Well, I’m still on my way for the time being…
      Hope you’re keeping well. seem to remember you were off for another exciting trip soon?! xx

      • The quality of your state will determine the quality of your relationships. If you change your state to one where you know you can empower and be who you are meant to be then the right men will pursue you and become addicted to meeting your needs.

        We all create a blueprint of how life should be. If we place too many expectations on how that blueprint should be met we can easily get let down – in some cases it can become un-winnable. But we can have many blueprints. So if life is not meeting a particular blueprint then change your blueprint, change your state and take massive action to ensure this becomes consistent.

        • I totally agree, Caroline. It can feel like a massive undertaking but it’s soooo worth it. If we keeping doing the same things, we will only keep having the same results, and I think real change usually happens when “the same” finally becomes unbearable.

          • Exactly. When the pain of where you are now is greater than the pain of change then change becomes easier and the only route left. It can be tough as you have to retrain your brain to give you a new positive outcome. It takes persistent practice – a bit like learning to ride a bike.

        • I’ve been mulling over your comment for days, now… and something new is gradually making sense. What if the blueprint I’ve unconscously been pursuing since girlhood, including bringing up 3.2 kids with lovely, supportive husband, and juggling a fulfilling job (I know, sounds pretty lame and deeply unoriginal 😉 ) was somehow un-winnable? Am I finally ready to let it go and pursue another vision of my life? What could this vision be? More mulling over required here. But thanks for somehow spurring me on Caroline ! xx

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