The knights who say no – part 2

There’s nothing like a bit of people-watching, fluffy magazine reading, or supermarket psychology musing, when you’re idly sitting on a beach… Which is what I did in copious amounts over my recent holiday, leading to the previously dazzling profiles of my exes.

Anyway, huhuhu, next instalment (hold-on to your seats, a psychology Nobel prize might have to be created): I have brilliantly worked out something T, Mr Nice and Mr Xmas all had in common.

They really fancied themselves as knights in shiny armours, rescuing a hapless princess.

How they thought it would be 1

The thing is that T, Mr Nice and Mr Xmas don’t really like themselves, and conversely really liked the idea of being knights in shiny armours, especially family knights, because it would make them feel all saintly, worthy and good.

how they thought it would be 2

Needless to say that I am no hapless princess, but a perfectly capable one thank-you-very-much, even though I admit to some degree of fraying around the edges.How it really was

So family knights they became, which was quite nice, if I’m honest.

how it actually was 2

Until they worked-out that being family knights was not exactly how they had imagined it based on, you know, car and holiday villa adverts…

In fact, being family knights turned out to be quite hard work and boring after a while, because you can’t really go out every night as you please, there may be nappies to change, pesky people wanting your attention even when you’ve had a hard day at work and just want to collapse on the couch to watch game of thrones and eat pizza out of the box. That sort of unbearable disappointment.

Meanwhile, I’d wanted a boyfriend, not a hero, and strongly believed relationships need constant tweaking so that everyone’s needs can be met; so it wasn’t like I had them chained to the stove or banned from having their own lives.

Still, the car-advert promise was shattered, disappointment set in, and they started resenting being family knights, as well as feeling bad about themselves for failing to be heroic.

And because feeling bad about yourself is no fun, they eventually had some kind of brutal a-ha moment when they decided that in fact, our relationship was the source of all evil and must be disposed of rapidly.

Clever clogs.

The end

So there. I seem to attract men who convincingly really, really, really like the stability and security they see in me, as well as the idea of having a family with me, but end up saying “actually, you know what, I don’t think this life fits me, feels a bit too tight, makes me look kind of bloated… Can I send it back to the shop?”, which is when I say something to the effect of “No bloody way. We’ve had a baby together / blended families / moved in together. This is not covered by the manufacturer’s warranty”

Voilà.

So what does that teach me for the future? Mmmwell, I’m not quite sure… That I should steer away from men who like the idea of family life? That I should never ever have a baby / blend families / move in with someone who really, really, really likes me ?

Err…, have you got any slightly more convincing lessons to suggest?

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9 thoughts on “The knights who say no – part 2

  1. I’ve enjoyed these posts and think they are very insightful on your part. I think I would offer two thoughts: 1) perhaps consider how quickly these men move and/or how quickly you attach yourself to them. It’s been my experience that often the fast-moving ones are the ones masking thins and/or filling a role or playing a part rather than being authentic. If what we love about someone is how they make us feel better about ourselves (as in the Knight situation), we are almost desperate to lock it down and be assured that this partner will always see us this way. I think the hard part with this is that there are rare occasions when a perfectly sincere and authentic person really does discover the one and moves uncharacteristcally quickly, and we all want to think that is our situation. But most of the time, we are the rule, not the exception, and that is worth remembering. It doesn’t in any way devalue the love you eventually find, but it does help avoid some of the pitfalls. Because we don’t have to commit immediately to someone who wants us. We get a say, too, so we can slow things down if we choose.

    2) I would suggest doing the same in-depth examination of what your role is in these relationships — not how they perceive you, but perhaps what causes that perception. Sometimes, if we strip away our fear of that answer, we can realize why these types are attracted to us. And sometimes that realization is enough to turn it on its head.

    • Hello TPG !
      And wow, thank you for these great ideas. I think you’re right on both accounts actually.
      1- “the fast-moving ones are the ones masking thins and/or filling a role or playing a part”: This is exactly what it looks like for T in retrospect.
      Chosing to slow things down is where I can certainly improve. It will be hard though, because my fear of abandonment is seeking certainty, and anything ressembling a profound attachment and commitment from my partner will seem attractive / irresistible.
      2- From what they say, these types were attracted by a contradictory mixture of princess I can rescue, and a perceived stability, and security (because I was capable and solid).
      As for my role in these relationships, you’re right, it is much harder to look at it with any sort of objectivity, but I need to keep going in that direction… Will keep you posted 😉
      Anyway, long time, no news… I often wonder how you are.
      Xx

  2. I empathize with you on the knight that ran away once he realized you were strong. My situation in full.
    Perhaps the answer (for us) is not looking for knights in the first place, even though it is natural to want to feel protected.

    • Dear Elizabeth, I think you’re right in the sense that strong women (like us) will probably attract weak men. They seem all strong, protective and knightly on the outside (and they really like that image of themselves), but inside, they’re too fragile.
      So we end up being the strong ones (this was especially blalant with Mr Nice).
      Anyway, pah. Like you said, the best thing is to be all self-protective and not look for a knight.
      I definitely have some margin of improvement on that front, so spot on !
      🙂

  3. I think in some ways us men are built “For display purposes only” and quite good at strutting round the village with some freshly slaughtered game over our shoulders but not much good at domestic routine. I think the secret to a successful relationship between the sexes is to be friends first second and third. Somehow friendship has less of the ownership or facility about it, and a little more compassion and generosity of spirit, but that’s just a theory really. Theories are my speciality !

    • Coucou Peter!
      I like the hunting imagery, and like the idea of T, Mr Nice and Mr Xmas as cavemen bringing back the game.
      In all cases however, we were great friends, but it didn’t stop things from going wrong. Could you elaborate on the theory?
      I’m not sure the domesticity as such ruined the relationships, as much as the mixture of having less freedom, time for themselves, and other people depending on you. I tried to shelter them from too much pressure on those fronts, but in the end, I don’t think any of them was mentally strong enough to be there for other people.
      Cross Channel greetings x

      • If I had an email, or you commented on my Blog so I had one to write to, then I could expand on the thought but I have to guard against the ultimate blogging crime of writing a comment which is longer than the posts !

        • Hoohoo, I had no idea such blogging crimes existed… Anyway, you’re right, shame on me, I hardly ever comment on your blog these days, which is inexcusable because your posts usually give me something to mull over, other than my boring sentimental life 😉

  4. Pingback: The princess who fell off her bike | Laughing cow in France

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