It’s not you, it’s me

Dusk rainbow by Lady E

Dusk rainbow by Lady E

“It’s not you, it’s me” says a tearful Mr Xmas.

No shit, Sherlock.

I, for sure, am not the one currently in the depth of the worst bout of depression yet,  whose clarity of mind probably stands around 0.3% of its normal average, and who decides that, wohey, isn’t this a great time to wreck the most significant relationship of my last few years?

Let’s all pause to give Mr Xmas a round of applause for his truly outstanding judgement.

Mr Xmas is honestly the sweetest, most loyal and supportive companion when he is not depressed. It’s not always easy when he feels down, but he readily admits that overall, our little family is a positive help in his fight against the funky kind of unipolar, bipolar depression that’s been plaguing him for the last 27 years. I love him. The children love him.

But the abysmal bits of the funky unipolar bipolar thingy turn him into someone else, someone tortured, who oscillates between abject self-loathing, guilt, sadness and anger. Someone too scared and hopeless to give medications a real go. Someone who believes that the demands of family life cause, rather than help his depression, and that he is better off without it.

I am out of fight. I sit on the sofa and look out at the moutains, rain clouds shifting in the evening sky. I wish I could be somewhere else, perhaps the other side of the world …

Emily Loizeau – L’autre bout du monde

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8 thoughts on “It’s not you, it’s me

  1. I’ve liked this post, because that is what you do, but “Liking” it isn’t really the thing is it. Without doubt you are one of my favourite Bloggers, and I love the way you live and express your life. To battle with the dark side of a man who is gripped by depression must be worse than terrible, and disorientating and unsettling for your kids, and that such a nice guy should be gripped by these episodes is beyond sad.

    I’m not sure why he won’t take medication, or seek help, or if he has sought help but rejects the advice, and I’m not sure whether you are taking a rest from the relationship or just shutting the door, but I expect its more taking a rest. If I could I would give you a hug because, if thoughts count in this life, while I have them you are never alone.

  2. Hi Lady E,

    (It seems so long since I thought of that moniker.)

    Hang in there, for you and for your sweet little kids. Surely there will be sunshine peeking between those striking mountains sooner or later. Sooner would be better…

    Lets talk again soon. Xxxx

    • Thanks for your support this week SD. It’s nice to know that I have friends out there I can ring in the middle of the night 😉 xxx

  3. Ma pauvre Manu, je tombe des nues, je n’avais pas lu ton avt dernier post…
    Il FAUT qu’il prenne des médocs, il ne peut pas y arriver sans!!!
    Mais là tu n’as même plus ton mot à dire…
    Je suis désolée.
    J’espère qu’il va retrouver des forces et s’apercevoir que vous lui apportez plus que vous ne lui prenez.
    Je pense à toi. Bisou.

  4. Salut copine,

    Bin let me tell you what, je suis tombée des nues aussi…

    Je n’aurais pas forcément la présomption de penser que les médocs sont la seule solution, et puis c’est à lui de trouver ses solutions de toutes façons… Mais c’est une possibiité à laquelle il a renoncé sans avoir sérieusement essayé.

    Il a le mérite d’avoir conscience de sa maladie, et d’essayer de la gérer avec d’autres approches que les médocs, qui même si elles aident, ne suffisent pas à gérer les creux.

    Ce qui est toutefois vraiment dommage, c’est que ce qu’alors qu’il allait beaucoup mieux, il y a 15 jours, il avait repris espoir et parlé d’essayer peu à peu des traitements médicamenteux. Puis il a brutalement rechuté : la dernière rechute brutale et aigue, c’est un classique en fin d’épisode dépressif, apparemment, ça s’appelle la queue de mélancolie ou un truc comme ça…

    Enfin, bref, c’est là qu’il a renoncé aux médocs… et à nous.

    Merci de tes petits mots. Wish you were here xxx

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