Penelope and me


Mountain top by Lady E

It is the end of the week, and my daughter’s birthday. Five years ago, a tiny, mewing person rested on my chest for a first dazed cuddle. Today, the little person hopped around in excitement all day, and condescended to eating vegetables without a fight because, you know, Anna in Frozen does not argue about vegetables.

Otherwise, my head is swimming.

Life this year got so close to becoming a Hollywood romantic comedy (starring Penelope Cruz as me, why not hey) that I am still expecting the credits to roll any moment now:

  • Mid-film, Mr Nice (played by Jude Law) and I would rather inexplicably separate in the midst of floods of tears and music by Tom Mc Rae (tick)
  • Mr Nice would go on to behave like a complete moron (tick)
  • My close, kindly friend Mr Xmas would step-in, sweep me off my feet and admit to falling in love the moment we met a few years back (tick)
  • Mr Xmas and Penelope/me would stand on a mountain-top at sunset. I would feel light, excited, and serene all at once (tick – in fact, above is a photo of said mountain-top just before said sunset). The camera would circle overhead, the music crescendo to something heady and full of violins, then cut to:
  • Scenes of whatever crap new couples do in romantic comedies (which oddly enough always seems to involve shopping centres, rain and Christmas – does anyone know why?), before we move in together, get married on a beach and live happily ever after, whilst Mr Nice sits dejectedly in bed with the flu. Huhuhuhu!…

Except cut. This is not what happens.

In my none-Hollywood, French-Alpine life, I am plagued with doubt about the nature of my feelings for Mr Xmas, who becomes scared of losing me, whilst I feel miserable about hurting him. We hobble along on a slippery crest, trying to balance his legitimate expectation (of simply being loved back), and my inability to give him what he needs.

Will my feelings grow over time ? Deep inside, I cannot feel any certainty, and the weight of it is dragging me down.

Aphex Twin – Avril 14th

A few flakes of beauty before Winter sets in.


6 thoughts on “Penelope and me

  1. Hi Perdido,
    Same for me. Isn’t it horribly frustrating sometimes ?
    Sod chemistry anyway, I had to ingurgitate far too much of it at Uni. Bleugh…

  2. Lets look on the bright side. That mountain view is beautiful. And if you mention ” Feeling cheesy” that has a different context to me, because I love cheese and have the figure to prove it. As for being loved: its a difficult one. We all have a wish to be loved sincerely and openly for who we are, and that need often makes us choose a less than perfect substitute in true loves absence saying, “Life is never perfect but we can make it so if we persevere” which may or may not be true,

    I have always believed that in a relationship two things are equally important. “Trust” obviously, but also the ability to celebrate your lover. If you find you cannot celebrate him, but merely make excuse for him, and your own feelings, maybe your are selling both him and yourself short. You are a lovely, interesting and involved person, and there is someone out there who will be both honourable and celebrate the wonder of you completely. Do not turn your back on the possibility of finding them, or allowing Mr Xmas the same privilege.

  3. Dear Peter,
    I think precisely that Mr Xmas is someone who celebrates the wonder of me completely as you poetically put it.
    At last, I have found someone who loves me to bits, isn’t scared by commitment, responsibilities, or kids… To be honest, this is what I wouldn’t want to turn my back on…
    So I guess for now, I’ll just “persevere”. And we’ll see.

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