Freedom

Something is happening.

And it isn’t just that the sun has lost its bite, even if it’s still hot enough to wear minimal clothing.

Or that reds and golds have started creeping down the mountainsides.

Or even that I have been back in France for a full (and how full) three years…

No. As we almost imperceptibly start to drift into Autumn, I finally feel free.

It has been over a year and half since T left, and annoyingly everyone was right : Time heals. Well, … Time and the other woman being dumped unceremoniously in much the same way you were. I know, it’s not very mature or glorious, but I’ll tell you what, it still feels damn good.

I even feel sorry for the now ex-New Ms T. She probably loved him and thought she could make him happy. I can guess what she may be going through, and don’t even think she deserves it… But still, I’m not Sister Emmanuelle (well actually, I may be to some), and I’m glad this particular thorn is no longer in my side.

Besides, time and its peculiar steam-rolling effect has made things I thought would never feel right become the new norm, pain I thought would never let up all but vanish, and even my particular brand of unrelenting, wonky single mothering -with one child away every other weekend, and the other not- a bit easier to juggle.  I guess with time, you get used to anything.

But most of all, I am finally free from my own demons, from the nagging doubt that I may not have been good enough, or the right person for T. Because this is it: No-one can be right for him. Too many personal issues stand between him and the ability to be happy, and still he chooses to blame his partners, rather than confront them.

This is what I instinctively knew right from the start. But somehow, my shattered confidence and T’s dazzling display of righteousness made me doubt. The situation pushed the buttons of my own past pains, and even though I have learnt to deal with these infinitely better, I still hadn’t freed myself entirely…

So while I still have some way to go down this particular path, my new-found freedom will make the journey a whole lot more enjoyable.

Icona pop – I love it

Ready for a boogie? This song makes me feel slightly old, but I don’t care, I love it …

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20 thoughts on “Freedom

  1. Well done – what a long way you have come since I first started to follow you. The human spirit is pretty awesome and we do know that we can Survive! Enjoy autumn and winter. We are looking forward to summer and hope it is better than the last one.

    • Thank you Judith, I’m sure you told me at the time that in time, things would be better, and eventually probably feel pretty insignificant after a few decades have gone by ? Anyway, you’re right, the human mind is amazing, the way it manages to protect itself from pain eventually… Wishing you a very, very good Summer indeed, xx

  2. Lady E. So nice to see you come to this point…and that fact that your psyche was validated by the newest iteration of an ex Mrs. T is an added bonus.

    This part “Too many personal issues stand between him and the ability to be happy, and still he chooses to blame his partners, rather than confront them.”…holds true for X, my ex, too. Many times it seemed like she looked to be unhappy despite all the good things we had. Eventually she blamed me…and I accepted the blame, even though I knew better too. Man…us PhD types sure have a lot to learn sometimes!! 😉
    I hope your path continues to shine brighter.
    Peace to you.

    • Hey LFBA, D’you know, I actually thought about you as I wrote this post ! I think that yes, while it does take two people to build and destroy a relationship, a lot of us were just doomed from the start. Because we had picked partners who are unable to let themselves be happy for reasons deep within themselves, and thus were always going to sabotage relationships.
      Your X sounds like a typical example of this. And I just hope for the sake of our children, that one day, they deal with whatever is eating them and learn to be truly happy.
      Peace to you x

  3. Brilliant. I have no desire to be unpleasant but Mr Tbut he sounds like a bit of a nutter. I am not sure if he actually married model number 2 or not but consistantly chasing his demons out of his current women’s door seems to be a pattern.. I am biased, I know, but you always seem so balanced, nice and up for experiences that I think he really must have been mad to let you go. That is the most baffling thing to me. That you are over him is adding pleasure to the coffee I am currently drinking

    • Thank you for the compliment CD ! He hadn’t married the New Ms T… And in fact, there is a good chance that a New New Ms T is in the picture, but this time, I don’t care. In fact, I feel slightly sorry for T, and hope that he eventually faces the issues that are eating him up, and learns to be happy. Happy coffee to you !! x

    • Thanks Elizabeth… And you will also get there eventually. In fact, you’ve already come such a long way, it’s lovely to read about it ! 🙂

    • Awwww Kim, thank you for the compliment !
      And yes, this new feeling of freedom took a little while to fully register, but I feel changed. The bottom line is I was right all along, whatever other people told me about my responsibility in the break up, the fact that it takes two to destroy a relationship, etc… made me doubt, but at the end of the day, this isn’t always true, and there was nothing I could have done. He was always going to sabotage his own chance at being happy.
      I know your demons are made of a much different and tougher stuff, but I really hope that they one day also set you free. Meanwhile, much love from sunny France xx

  4. I am sooooo pleased that your ex’s relationship didn’t work out 😉 He didn’t deserve it to- overlapping relationships rarely work precisely for the fact that the new gf knows the guy is capable of cheating and even worse with kids involved! Hurrah for this news!!

    • I’m so pleased too ! 🙂
      It’s funny how it’s been the final push I needed to recover my confidence, end my sense of failure and feel more hopeful for the future. x

  5. Thanks Pat… It’s good to feel like this. This is the end to 18 months of wondering what I could have done better, whether I wasn’t the right person, or somehow unable to sustain a long term relationship… Now I know that there was nothing I could have done. Part of life’s experiences. It gives me hope for the future that there is essentially nothing wrong with me.
    x

  6. I love this post … it’s filled me with a swirl of emotions that I can’t put into words. So happy for your wisdom, born from pain, which has given birth to your freedom, and your ability to have compassion for the now-ex Ms. T (a true sign of strength). Wow… good for you 🙂

    Now I’m gonna get me some ice cream and settle in for that video about consciousness!

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