Walking on clouds

I walked into a puddle this morning, cursed as my smart trousers got splashed, then remembered how as a little girl, I used to love walking in puddles…

I dreamt I was walking on the clouds they reflected. I dreamt of the wonderful future awaiting when I grew up…

Today, IΒ  sleep-walk through the debris of shattered dreams, trying to accept that this is all there is to being grown-up and to life. A string of tiny moments of happiness, which keep us going, the fleeting present we try to capture, to keep us warm in the darker hours…

I am learning to enjoy these moments, without being scared of loosing happiness, because it will happen, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Tiny moments when the knot in my stomach loosens a bit, when my heart is still, when the past forgets to hurt, and the future doesn’t matter.

Because life is short, and is about sharing relief and hope with friends gathered to watch the election results last night, about my children’s smiles as they crept into their new beds, about the comfort it brought both of them to be doing this together, the flowers splashing beauty over my garden,Β  and the step bathed in sunshine where I sit for a minute or two… Before the daily grind sucks me back under.

Civil twilight – Letters from the sky:

The perfect soundtrack to how I feel…

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13 thoughts on “Walking on clouds

  1. Oh Elizabeth what a sad post. Life an and should be joyous. Spread those happy moments, and happy memories through your life and enjoy. Those two little children are a great source of joy and a comfort to you at this sad time in your life. Look after yourself. πŸ™‚

    • Hey Judith, well I didn’t mean for this post to sound sad… It’s a bit sad, but mostly about my learning to cherish the joys and comforts. I don’t always succeed, but overall, I think I’m getting better at it.
      Thank you for your kind words. πŸ™‚
      PS. I like the name Elizabeth, but I am not one πŸ˜‰

  2. Men have a lot to answer for!! I wish you could have come on my yoga weekend with me – it would have made you feel a million times better. 24 women chanting and doing yoga and “sharing” and each with their own pain to share- some surprisingly so but a lot of heartache and it would have shown you that you are not alone and that you really will be okay – it did me the world of good to step outside my world – my little island- for a while and reconnect with what it is all really about. Of course once day-to-day life resumes it becomes harder to hold onto that feeling of bliss BUT remembering and knowing it is there under the layers is the most important thing. THIS is what you need- some time out- some time for you! Is there any way that you can get this? Can T have the kids so you can treat yourself- get youself to some kind of “well-being” retreat or workshop or sth similar? I really truly think this would do you the world of good xxxxx

    • Hey Emma, I go to a yoga class every Monday night. it is the only regular activity I do, and it involves having a baby sitter & as usual being organised, but it is my ME time, and I really like it. I think you’re right, going to a weekend retreat like yours would have been wonderful. But I dread to think about the logistics of it.
      T no longer has my son at all, and I wouldn’t ask him for this favour, we just don’t get on that well yet. I can occasionally find someone to mind my son for a weekend, but it’s well complicated. Anyway, I’ll think about it. Planning a mad weekend in Madrid to visit a friend is my priority for this Summer.
      Why don’t you come over for a weekend? πŸ˜‰
      xx

      • A mad weekend in Madrid sounds perfect! πŸ™‚ Will that be with or without the children? Thanks for the invite – time was when I would have been straight onto the easyjet website and flights would have been booked within the hour!! Those were the days…but having just had a weekend “off” it’s probably not sth I can do that soon- esp. as I find it difficult to allow “myself” the time off in the first place and also as I’m overdue a wkend to visit my brother and his family in Dublin – need to sort ££ out. BUT I would love to come at some point so that’s a really really lovely offer that I fully intend to take you up on at some stage πŸ˜‰ xxx

  3. –Beautiful Perspective, Lady E.

    Hold on…..Just Hold On… Xxx

    • Thanks Kim. I often stumble, but I always pick myself up and keep on going. Life is short, and I want to enjoy it… Thanks for your support xx

  4. It reminds me of this
    http://pesare.deviantart.com/journal/The-World-In-The-Puddle-231511927

    I hope that link works. Sometimes you post something and it comes out weird and the other person just looks at the screen confused thinking ‘what is that!’

    I don’t know what happened Saturday all I can say is that you need time to just grieve, have a large glass of beautiful French redwine, maybe two.. or a whole bottle? some lovely Brie, a nice hot bath, cry a little..
    Then get up the next day and say ‘His loss… next!!!’
    And that’s all we can do. Grieve, then dust ourselves off and start again. Never giving up.

    My heart really goes out to you on this.. I wish you the best. And just remember ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!’
    Tc x

    • Thanks Nicola, that text you linked to is beautiful, and I can recognise so much of it! Last weekend was bitter sweet but went well overall, thanks. I go through phases of thinking his loss, next!, but also phases of sharp regret. Let’s see what the future holds…
      Thanks for your advice, and your support xx
      PS. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply properly before

    • Hey Jacqueline, yes, I am trying to pack my life with the small things, and cherish them…I often stumble, because work, too many responsibilities, too much to do, missing having someone to hold me at night all gets too much, but when I’ve finished crying, I get going again. I’ll learn, eventually πŸ™‚
      x

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