The road ahead

Both children are asleep, I am driving home after a weekend away staying with relatives. The sun comes out from behind the clouds, illuminating the Cévennes countryside, the rocks, the delicate green of new leaves in the vineyards, and tiny pink flowers bobbing in the wind.

A pang of sadness stabs and desorientates me. A week ago, Mr Nice drove across the Provence countryside, and together we watched cypresses point towards flimsy clouds shifting across a luminous sky.

What happened? And where do I go now?

Nearly three years ago, I moved to the French Alps to be with T. Our daughter was born, I struggled to adjust to my new life and help my family through the upheaval, before T left and everything crumbled. I found a different job, and carried on living, emaciated and hollow, but working hard to make sense of my life.

I have come a long way in every sense, especially in understanding what makes me think, react, see things the way I do. This journey through change and immeasurable pain has also become one of totally clichéd self-discovery. Now, like any self-respecting chick-lit reader, I feel this journey needs a happy end.

It feels as though I have been drifting through most of my life, taking things, people, and opportunities as they came along, never truly knowing what I wanted. And the time has come to find directions, decide where I want to live, what career I want to follow, and what I want my life to look like (well, apart from glamorous and accessorised with a devoted, tall, and handsome hunk).

I grip the steering wheel harder, and concentrate on the road ahead.

To Pierre, Cathou, and Philou who have a way of listening.

Franz Schubert – Serenata D957

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15 thoughts on “The road ahead

  1. This post tells us where you are at the moment. But tomorrow is another day and you are now climbing your way out of the slough of despair.
    When the time is right Mr Right will appear so trust in that and live your life enjoying your children and the other things important to you. Thinking of you from this side of the world,

    • I know you’re right about enjoying life with my children, and I do hang on to that for dear life, but it’s hard to keep trusting that Mr Right will turn up right now…
      Thank you for your thoughts. All these things matter at times like now. x

  2. The road ahead is winding. You never know what might be around the next bend. Be kind to yourself. We chick-lit readers know that the good girl can get the good guy, but sometimes she gets in her own way, first. 😉

    • Dear DFB, you’re right, we just never know what’s coming, but I find it hard to keep the faith in the good guy turning up right now. Mr Nice was a good guy, and he wasn’t ready. Too complicated, too many losses, or perhaps it’s just that I haven’t had enough sleep lately ;)…
      x

  3. This is an insightful post, Lady E. It’s awfully hard to get what you really want unless you truly know what that is. It’s the difference between “sliding” and “deciding.” There’s quite a bit of research now about relationship happiness when sliding vs. deciding. Quite a while ago, I wrote a little bit about it here: http://thatprecariousgait.com/2011/02/10/no-thanks-id-rather-decide/.

    I wish you the best of luck moving through this painful period and into the greater contentment that I’m sure awaits you.

    • Thanks for the link to an insightful post TPG. And I hope you’re right about finding greater contentment ahead. I’m finding it hard to keep up the faith right now, but I’m sure I’ll come round, stop thrashing and get out of my bag again ;). x

    • Dear Kim,
      Thank you for the compliment, and your unfailing support. I am by no means a writer, but it still gives me relief and joy. xx

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