One step forward, one step back

I am back at work, things are really busy and I am struggling already, the weather is drab, my daughter and anxieties kept me up all night, oh, and the car door closed on my finger this morning. Lovely.

I know, I know, looking at the pictures, you’re probably wondering what the heck is she on about? This does not look like work, or drab weather, this looks like a pretty fabulous place and pretty fabulous weather.

And indeed, you’re right, this is a pretty fabulous place near Marseilles, where Mr Nice and I spent a pretty fabulous few days together last week. So what’s my problem?

My problem is that I am doing it again. Going on an insecurity rampage. Are you bored with these yet? Because I am…

And what’s worse, sin of all sins, is that I did succumb to it at times whilst on my dream few days with Mr Nice.

Instead of just enjoying the moment, I could feel myself going all insecure, loosing my self-confidence, and coming across all needy. I just couldn’t help myself. I could have cried. I just could not relax.

Somehow, I once again failed to feel secure in myself, which made me feel unnecessarily miserable, and put pressure on my brand new relationship. I am stuck again. Fuck that. And I am really grateful that Mr Nice is a patient man…


6 thoughts on “One step forward, one step back

    • Not sure when my self confidence will come Jacqueline, but your faith in me is a comfort. Sadly, I was right to have all these doubts, and the signals I picked were real. 😦

  1. Damn those insecurities that plague us. I’m having some of those lately, too, of a different nature than yours, but insecurities nevertheless. I usually find that mine are fear-based. Whenever I can’t find peace I try to look at what I’m afraid of. Once I’ve taken a fear out and held it in my hand and owned it, it starts to feel manageable and often I can then let it go. I don’t know if this is helpful or if I’m just rambling. I do know my intent is good because I’m thinking about you instead of me. 🙂 Hang in there.

    • Dear Pat, thank you for your thoughts…In this particular instance, I was in fact justified to feel insecure in the relationship. I was picking up on real signals, Mr Nice was indeed withdrawing from it.
      I remember trying to hold my fear of being abandoned and so to speak look it into the eye. But I failed, and went all panicky. This is my big thing, an all powerful, primitive fear. Even though I have experienced left several times now, in fact, I am going through it once again now, and I’m still alive, it doesn’t ease.

  2. Your friends in the blogosphere re in your corner and even though this relationship has to end, there will be another, even better, one around the next corner.

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