One step forward, one step back

I am back at work, things are really busy and I am struggling already, the weather is drab, my daughter and anxieties kept me up all night, oh, and the car door closed on my finger this morning. Lovely.

I know, I know, looking at the pictures, you’re probably wondering what the heck is she on about? This does not look like work, or drab weather, this looks like a pretty fabulous place and pretty fabulous weather.

And indeed, you’re right, this is a pretty fabulous place near Marseilles, where Mr Nice and I spent a pretty fabulous few days together last week. So what’s my problem?

My problem is that I am doing it again. Going on an insecurity rampage. Are you bored with these yet? Because I am…

And what’s worse, sin of all sins, is that I did succumb to it at times whilst on my dream few days with Mr Nice.

Instead of just enjoying the moment, I could feel myself going all insecure, loosing my self-confidence, and coming across all needy. I just couldn’t help myself. I could have cried. I just could not relax.

Somehow, I once again failed to feel secure in myself, which made me feel unnecessarily miserable, and put pressure on my brand new relationship. I am stuck again. Fuck that. And I am really grateful that Mr Nice is a patient man…

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “One step forward, one step back

  1. Your self confidence will come. It sounds as though Mr Nice is in your corner.

    • Not sure when my self confidence will come Jacqueline, but your faith in me is a comfort. Sadly, I was right to have all these doubts, and the signals I picked were real. 😦

  2. Damn those insecurities that plague us. I’m having some of those lately, too, of a different nature than yours, but insecurities nevertheless. I usually find that mine are fear-based. Whenever I can’t find peace I try to look at what I’m afraid of. Once I’ve taken a fear out and held it in my hand and owned it, it starts to feel manageable and often I can then let it go. I don’t know if this is helpful or if I’m just rambling. I do know my intent is good because I’m thinking about you instead of me. 🙂 Hang in there.

    • Dear Pat, thank you for your thoughts…In this particular instance, I was in fact justified to feel insecure in the relationship. I was picking up on real signals, Mr Nice was indeed withdrawing from it.
      I remember trying to hold my fear of being abandoned and so to speak look it into the eye. But I failed, and went all panicky. This is my big thing, an all powerful, primitive fear. Even though I have experienced left several times now, in fact, I am going through it once again now, and I’m still alive, it doesn’t ease.
      😦

  3. Your friends in the blogosphere re in your corner and even though this relationship has to end, there will be another, even better, one around the next corner.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s