Excess baggage

I wrote yesterday’s post in a state of hysterical fear deep anxiety. I know, shocking isn’t it? Total surprise coming from a person as calm and secure as me…

So far, Mr Nice hasn’t said anything about us. He is going through a really hard time personally, and just has to work through it.

There isn’t much I can do for him. But I offered time, space, my ears and affection if he needed them. How remarkably sensible and boring is that?

No really, can you imagine that I managed to utter these words, even though my own deepest insecurities are having a pretty wild fest in my head, and I actually meant them? I know, I’m still in shock… And I deserve a chocolate. Or two. Maybe ten?

Right, erm, moving on : So, ok two and a bit months into a relationship, this isn’t exactly the kind of Hollywood romance scenario we all somewhat stupidly dream about. This is reality (sadly, and I do not have Jennifer Aniston’s legs either, which quite frankly, is a crying shame).

Mr Nice and I realised from the start that we came with a lot of baggage. This meant that we understood each other, and in a funny way, it brought us closer. But we also knew that stopping the baggage from tumbling on top of our relationship would be a challenge.

Now, to me, this is a worthy challenge. Not just because I like challenges (yes, I know, I am a bit weird like that). But because I really like Mr Nice (I thought I’d state the blatantly obvious), because he brings a lot of good things into my life (and quite frankly, he is effing gorgeous).

Anyway, right now, whatever happens, I am working through my insecurity fest, with ear defenders on, and the righteous determination of a French airport security worker on strike.  This is hard work I tell you, undeniably up there in my top ten Hardest Things Ever.

This whole staying focused on the good, standing on my own two feet, realising I don’t need anyone else, and trusting myself lark is an incredibly tough battle, requiring to let go and unlearn beliefs and behaviours I have been clinging to forever.

This song is my anthem today. And you know what? Whilst I cannot pretend to actually feel good, I don’t feel so bad either. Which in itself is a medium-sized (let’s say bag of Haribo sweets-sized) victory. I know, I’ve got a thing going on with sweets tonight, haven’t I?

Nina Simone – Feeling good

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15 thoughts on “Excess baggage

  1. Nothing makes me as happy as a little sugar – I do think it works better than most anxiety medicine 🙂 I admire you tremendously for being able to let someone else into your life and recognizing the baggage that you both carry – I cannot even image it right now!

    • Dear Robin, I’ve been on my own enough to know that letting someone new in my life is worth it. However scary.
      I hope your own journey takes you to a place of peace, wherever that is…xx

  2. I have been quietly reading your blog because I am trying not to comment as much (along with a lot of other things I’m trying to cut back on). I almost commented on your last post, but thought, “Well, I don’t know her well enough.” Now today, I’m thinking I just want to say, do not project your feelings on to Mr. Nice – from an outsider’s perspective it almost seems like you are intentionally sabotaging the relationship. I love your attitude today, be happy and worry-free (trust me, I know this is easier said than done). Think the best thoughts about Mr. Nice. You seem like a great person so I know regardless of what happens you are going to be fine. Okay, I’ll go back to being quiet now.

    • Worry wart, thank you for foregoing your comment cut-down…: I think you are absolutely right, I have sabotaged relationship. Being scared of abandonment, even if it eventually results in being abandoned, is the only way I knew how to be. This is the first time I am consciously fighting to be different with the right weapons.
      I’m following your advice and other tips relentlessly. Wish me luck 🙂

  3. Lady E,
    —Get some chocolate, wine, and watch a great movie.

    I suggest “The King’s Speech or Girl w/ the Dragon Tattoo.”

    Pamper your beautiful self. ❤

    • Dear Kim, thanks for the great suggestions (I’ve seen the king’s speech, but not the other one). And I generally need to listen to myself and look after myself more.
      xx

  4. Despite all you’ve got whirring around you sound stronger and more focussed that you did before. Despite not always realising it you have moved on in in some ways far less defined by your past. You will get there – I have NO doubt.

  5. I think I’m siding with the worry wart, here. Perhaps because I’m a worry wart, too. You and I seem to be on the same trajectory…thanks for syncing up breakdowns with me. Lol. It’s a new day/week/month/whatever and you are fighting the sabotage with a mindful disposition. It’s hard, I know. But I have faith in you.

    • Isn’t it funny that we seem to be hitting the same stages simultaneously? Thank you for your faith in me, the internet is a bizarre thing, and it helps.
      Here’s to ND, DFB, Mr Nice and Lady E having an apéritif watching the sun set over the French Alps one day.
      🙂 x

  6. If it means anything, my relationship with my husband caused me intense doubt and turmoil for, like, the first three years. We both have an ass load of baggage too, and we’re still working on it. I don’t mean to suggest that you should marry the guy, just that relationships are really HARD sometimes. There are those out there that say “if it’s right, it’s will just happen”. They’re dirty liars. Though I didn’t know that until recently.
    May you unpack your baggage together….

    • Thanks for your perspective Sara. It’s quite refreshing, and quite reassuring really…
      I do hope we can unpack our baggage together indeed (and stick the dirty laundry in the wash ;)).

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