Tremor

Earth in the Rann of Kutch cracking as it dries

Earth in the Rann of Kutch cracking as it dries (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wake up dry-mouthed and dread washes over me.

On the surface, I have just spent a lovely weekend full of Spring sunshine, with my children, and Mr Nice, but deep inside, little signs are aligning and dread is solidifying inside my heart in a way I know all too well.

Nothing much has happened, but my instinct is well-honed, and my fear buttons are suddenly being sat on by a herd of elephants.

Now, my insecurity thresholds are extremely high, and there is a chance that I might be mistaken, that things are exactly as Mr Nice describes them: That he feels down because as a result of my entry into his life, his ex has clamped down on what used to be their family times, and as a result, he sees far less of his son. His son is feeling down, Mr Nice is having trouble adapting to all the change, and feeling down too. That grieving for his family touches down to deeper wounds in him. And that spending time with my children and me stirs all that up.

But deep inside, I know with almost blinding certainty. That he shouldn’t be feeling down a couple of months into our relationship. That he has all but stopped trying to meet my needs. That I was feeling so secure that I probably scared him too? Relationships are so complicated.

Whatever. What it probably means is that while I was on my way to falling for Mr Nice, he wasn’t falling for me. We both went through the heady loveliness of meeting someone and falling in lust. But for him, my guess is that the essay wasn’t transformed.

He probably doesn’t know this himself yet. He is probably still wondering why he’s feeling the way he does, and why my presence fails to comfort him. I probably know before him.

And I’m not sure what to do with this knowledge.

But I wish I didn’t know.

Agnès Obel – Falling, catching

For I am falling, and no-one can catch myself but me.

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7 thoughts on “Tremor

  1. Two months is not long for anyone deciding to commit wholeheartedly.

    Ask yourself this. Is it your need for complete certainty and security of this relationship which is what’s driving your need to know right now?

    Do you trust yourself and him to give him the space to think things through at his own speed and in his own time and so reach a deeper understanding in the long run?

    Everyone is different and will move forward in a relationship at different speeds. Are you prepared to meet his needs – 100% – and so give him what he needs now?

    Now is your chance to prove to him that you can and will put his needs first.

    What do you think?

  2. Caroline,
    I think you are absolutely right.
    The insecure part of me was talking in this post and has gone into overdrive because the situation pushes my insecurity buttons hard.
    I do trust him, and think he is worth it, so I am going to give him time and head space (concretely I am not suer about how you do that, but I’ll have to improvise). If anything, it’ll be such a victory over my insecure self if I manage that…
    But this is sooooooo hard. Putting his needs first at a time when I feel thrown off balance.
    Thank you for the advice xx

  3. Lady E.–You know yourself so well.
    I love that about you.

    You have much more strength than you give yourself credit for.

    I think you’re amazing.

    Xx
    Ps. If you decide to stay w/ Mr. Nice, that’s cool, but you don’t need him.

    • Dear Kim, thank you for your kind words. They really come at a time when I need them too…
      I know I don’t need Mr Nice. But it was just so…nice to have him. I really liked being with him.
      And I fear that I let my insecurities put too much pressure on the relationship lately perhaps. I don’t f***ing know.

      All I know is that nothing drastic has happened yet, but things are headed in the wrong direction, and really want to steer them back on track before it’s too late.

      As Caroline said, giving him space and time might be the way to go. Although christ knows it failed to work with T. Anyway, It is pretty much the only constructive thing I can do.
      Meanwhile, how ridiculous hard 😦

    • Dear Pat, thank you for your support. It means a lot. And I am going through a really tough battle with myself. But I am determined to win and be secure, Mr Nice or no Mr Nice. Of course it’d be much better with Mr Nice. 🙂

  4. It’s going to sort itself out.

    Consider it…growing pains, a transition from the happy early bubble into something longer-term.

    You’ll get there.

    Cheers, SD xxx.

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