Freaking out

English: Danger sign Danger sign at footpath c...

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“No I can’t take one more step towards you, ’cause all that’s waiting is regret…”

Ironically, this line from the song that ended my last post, illustrates perfectly how I felt yesterday. Scared out of my wits, with no real reason to be, other than the insecurities, which have plagued my entire life… I could have cried with frustration.

Because contrary to the cold bastard Christina Perri was addressing in her song, Mr Nice has been nothing but warm, understanding, and …well nice, really. Yet there I was, freaking out, feeling like running away and giving up, before I risked letting him too close to me.

All because the past had once again caught up with me, because revealing more of myself to Mr. Nice made me feel excruciatingly vulnerable, and sent urgent danger signals to my tired brain. I sat in misery, convinced that knowing me would send him away, because it is a well-known fact that I am not good enough to be loved, convinced that I am doomed to fail and be abandoned again…

In other words, the same old complete bollocks, which has successfully ruined a few previous relationships, and generally had me living under a cloud of disastrously low self-confidence for most of my life.

Only this time, even though the same anxious patterns are catching up with me, probably made worse by the still fairly fresh trauma of T’s abandonment, I have my eyes wide open. And even though it is an exhausting battle against myself, I am determined to win.

In the moments of peace, I am able to enjoy the present, the joy of seeing someone’s face light up at the sight of me, of hiding in his arms and feeling protected, supported, accepted. This is what I want.

Wish me luck.

Yesterday felt better after dancing around the living to this song with friends and babies, so I thought I’d share…

Basto- Again and again

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15 thoughts on “Freaking out

  1. Take it gently – one step at a time. There are a lot of people supporting you and doing their utmost to help you!

    You are lovable!

    C
    x

    • Thanks Caroline… And you’re right, I am lucky to have so many people around for support. Couldn’t have gotten where I am now without it, and it will certainly carry me through this too.
      Ps. Thanks for your precious support
      x

    • Thanks Jacqueline. I just need to crawl out of my place of fear every time I lapse back into it now… It is exhausting, but I think I’m getting better at it.
      And you’re right, I am smiling a lot more than say a month ago πŸ™‚ x

  2. I think the hard part about regaining some confidence in the space that you’re in is creating that balance between recognizing and owning the shortcomings that contributed to your failed relationships, while at the same time, not declaring yourself unlovable and therefore letting yourself off the hook to try to do better.

    I have family members who take the two extremes – one, I am simply unloveable and so there is no point in me trying to do better; and two, I am a good person and therefore my faults were not so bad and he was awful and so therefore I needn’t try to do better. Both stem from low self esteem and both fail over and over. It’s a lesson I watched play out my entire life. They are both impossible to live with, which is terribly sad, because they are also both capable of so much love. But the bottom line is that anyone trying to love them has to accept them exactly as they are because their esteem issues don’t allow for constructive dialogue or compromise.

    This is where I am hoping that your heartbreak with T makes you different from this two women in my family. You are, right now, so aware of the truth of that relationship — what were his issues and what were yours — you can take that knowledge and gain power from it. Because once we have identified what needs our attention, we can work on ourselves — gently, patiently, and lovingly. Just as we would work with anyone we love. And you should absolutely love yourself because you are absolutely worth loving. You have to know that and love yourself before you’ll be able to receive the best of someone else.

    The freaking out will happen, but it will pass. Don’t be hard on yourself for freaking out. Be patient with yourself. You have come so far and are going even farther. Be proud and celebrate every single little thing you do better than you did before. πŸ™‚

    It’s just one step at a time, right? πŸ™‚

    • Somehow I managed to paste a piece of a post I was working on into the middle of my comment! Lol. Would you please edit it and then delete this comment?

      Thanks, E! πŸ™‚ Serves me right for using my iPhone to comment…. Sigh.

    • Thank you so much TPG…You’ve nailed it down perfectly, it’s all about staying on that tight rope of being the better version of myself, not the insecure one, not the victimised one, but the adult one…Acknowledging my shortcomings, but not letting them win.

      What is a really useful reminder is to be gentle on myself, not to feel like kicking myself because I keep lapsing back, but to accept that it will happen, and that I have to be patient. I am proud of how far I have gotten, and although it does sound a bit like wishy washy crap, I have to learn to be more patient and loving with myself.

      XXX

      Ps. Stupid iphones πŸ˜‰ I keep accidentally sending half baked text messages with mine, it drives me potty

  3. ~~~Lady E,
    Inhale. Exhale.

    You will reveal when and if you want to reveal ….and not before.

    You are so much stronger. So much wiser. You have come a LONG way…

    Xxx

    • Thanks for the reminder Kim…I have come a long way indeed. It’s just frustrating to lapse back into reacting like a 2yo time and time again.

      On the pace at which I should reveal myself, something funny is happening. My defences were obviously way up when I first met Mr Nice, but there is something profoundly disarming in him, which I cannot explain, and so I keep finding myself opening up to him when I hadn’t really intended to. It’s a weird thing…

      xx

      Ps. Thanks for the unfailing support. Means a lot…

    • Cheers Pat. I am happy for me too…
      At times I manage to enjoy it, but at others, it just knocks me down into a place of fear. Oh well, I guess it was always going to be tough, and I’m glad Mr Nice has been a patient number so far.
      xx

  4. I know exactly how you feel. Don’t let that narrative tape in your head uproot you and derail all the progress you’ve made! Try simply acknowledging where you thoughts are going… “Oh, there I go again with all that fear and negative self talk…” I’ve found the more I observe it (instead of judging it) the better I feel. Just stay in the moment with Mr. Nice… let it be nice. πŸ™‚

    • That’s exactly it, the trick is to actually recognise the moments when my insecure tape (ok, mp3 file, tape makes me feel old) starts playing in my head, and acknowledge them without getting derailed.
      I am getting better at spotting those times, but it always takes me a while, and in that while, I can have ran off a mile back… I find it really tiring, but there’s no choice, is there?
      Simply staying in the moment with Mr Nice, not living in fear would be so nice too…
      x

      • All of this, your post, your replies to comments, really resonates with me. One day at a time. Don’t look ahead at what might happen, don’t look back over what has happened and angst over it. One day, this moment… Easier said than done, I know. x

        • Thanks MI… You’re absolutely right too: I have to somehow manage to live in the present, without worrying about either past or present. I guess it is something I have yet to learn, although I do manage at times, so hopefully I am on the right tracks…
          Which path(s) did you take to get there ?
          x

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