“No I can’t take one more step towards you, ’cause all that’s waiting is regret…”
Ironically, this line from the song that ended my last post, illustrates perfectly how I felt yesterday. Scared out of my wits, with no real reason to be, other than the insecurities, which have plagued my entire life… I could have cried with frustration.
Because contrary to the cold bastard Christina Perri was addressing in her song, Mr Nice has been nothing but warm, understanding, and …well nice, really. Yet there I was, freaking out, feeling like running away and giving up, before I risked letting him too close to me.
All because the past had once again caught up with me, because revealing more of myself to Mr. Nice made me feel excruciatingly vulnerable, and sent urgent danger signals to my tired brain. I sat in misery, convinced that knowing me would send him away, because it is a well-known fact that I am not good enough to be loved, convinced that I am doomed to fail and be abandoned again…
In other words, the same old complete bollocks, which has successfully ruined a few previous relationships, and generally had me living under a cloud of disastrously low self-confidence for most of my life.
Only this time, even though the same anxious patterns are catching up with me, probably made worse by the still fairly fresh trauma of T’s abandonment, I have my eyes wide open. And even though it is an exhausting battle against myself, I am determined to win.
In the moments of peace, I am able to enjoy the present, the joy of seeing someone’s face light up at the sight of me, of hiding in his arms and feeling protected, supported, accepted. This is what I want.
Wish me luck.
Yesterday felt better after dancing around the living to this song with friends and babies, so I thought I’d share…
Basto- Again and again