And the winner is…

The Laughing Cow

Image via Wikipedia

Caroline, for her suggestion of “Laughing Cow in France” as my new blog title… Yup, I know, almost as exciting as the Golden Globe nominations! Will she now grace us with a tearful, or at least emotion-choked speech?

Thank you all for the suggestions, they gave me food for thought and made me chuckle…

Ok, so let me clarify a couple of things : a- I have no intention of turning red or sporting ridiculous earrings, b- I don’t even have any particular affinity towards bovines, but hey, Poor Cow pretty much accidentally became the start of this blog, and so the cow will remain. c- I have every intention of laughing. A lot. Preferably to giggle idiotically at Mr Nice’s jokes.

Yes, yes, things are still developing, very slowly but nicely (hence his uninventive moniker) with Mr Nice… Even though opening up is making me hysterical with fear ahem, feel insanely vulnerable.

History has taught us both some tough lessons, and I hope we can avoid the traps we fell into in previous relationships, while not hurtling ourselves straight into the ones we hadn’t previously tried, just for a laugh. Whilst we have kept to intimacy standards, which would please queen Victoria, we have started getting into deep and difficult conversations.

I like that he resists me, and pushes back when I give easy answers such as “T left because he’d met someone else”. The sad truth is we both know that The New Ms T was the catalyst, but not the reason why T left…

I eventually had to admit that T left for a variety of reasons, almost certainly, and uncomfortably including the belief that he could no longer make me happy.

He left because I punished him (I didn’t make him sit on the naughty step- though this may have been more effective), by withdrawing my affection and expressing my disappointment in him every time he (probably mostly unintentionally) hurt me.

He left because I didn’t give him what he needed. Though I was keen to do so, he was incapable of expressing his needs, so I was left guessing and evidently guessed wrong (What do you mean, he didn’t need me to moan about my day, and tell him for the umpteenth time to put his dirty laundry in the effing basket?).

He also left because he was a weak man, who needed me to be strong and then accused me of treating him like a child, who blamed our relationship for his unhappiness rather than tackling the personal problems, which have been weighing him down his entire life. And this is clearly where my responsibility towards our relationship ends (phew).

JLS  – Innocence (Sorry, I know JLS again! Blame it on my son who will not allow any other music in the house)


17 thoughts on “And the winner is…

  1. Ah, Lady E… This is the post I have been waiting for from you! This is the true foundation of your self-discovery! Yay for you! I don’t think you’ve ever written more plainly, or honestly, or humbly about the reasons for T’s departure. I read each word with a big smile on my face, not for your pain, certainly, but because without the knowledge in those words you would have been doomed to more pain of the same variety, and that would be terribly tragic. You deserve and are clearly capable of so much more!

    Good for you for owning what’s yours and assigning him what’s his. It’s so much harder than it sounds, isn’t it? But the alternatives are bleak indeed, and I still have every faith that becoming the partners we would want to be with is the best and only way to create the mutually healthy and fulfilling relationships we want.

    Good for you. And good for Mr. Nice — he’s getting a new and improved version of an already remarkable woman. 🙂

    P. S. – love the new name. 😀

    • Aaw, thank you for the shower of compliments TPG! It took me a year to get there, although I did get pretty close a couple of times before.
      I needed to work trough the pain, and don’t think it’s over yet, but work is in progress.

      I do hope Mr Nice and I manage, because I know it’s a tall order to unlearn 35 and 38 years of automatic behaviours, conceptions and responses…
      I know I am capable of so much more, yet I am scared out of my wits.

      • Aren’t we always a work in progress? I think the key is finding someone who supports that work and challenges us to do it.

        And I think being a little scared — and able to to admit it — is healthy, too. Being aware of it might keep you from letting your fear dictate your boundaries.

        I’m so excited for you and can’t wait to see what comes next!!! 🙂

        • I like what you are saying about finding someone who challenges us to change and supports that change. I think we have that covered, but both really lack in the self-confidence department…
          Mr Nice is really well nice, lovely even, but I don’t know if he’s strong enough for me.
          We’ll see x

  2. Hooooray – I’m so pleased for you and I love the new name. Your post took me back to a wee song, which I’m happy to share. This is my divorce song and it reminds me of surviving, and then some. Enjoy 😉

    • Thanks for the song, it’s great… I have been so anxious in the last few days, that it’s made me realise I still have some way to go! Will get there eventually… 🙂

  3. Fantastic. Well done you! Now you really can and are becoming unstuck ( to use a certain LCs words!)

    And I’m honoured to have been the one you chose.

    Off now to update the link to here from my blog


    • I want to be unstuck but feeling so vulnerable and uncertain it’s throwing me into knee deep terror… Not a nice place to be and wishin a certain would come to the rescue a bit!
      Anyway, speech!!! And please send me your adress by email so you can enjoy some nice choccie things!

  4. Pingback: Wonderful Wisdom! | I've Survived! and I'm "Flying"!!

  5. Yay for you – and consider this – you are exploring change with someone who is also willing to explore change. Even if you had reached this stage before T left, he doesn’t seem like he would have been willing to do the self examination, look at his own baggage, consider your feelings, fears and needs….Going through this, you will have a much clearer idea of what you need to be happy, so the the uncertainty and vulnerability will be worth it.

    • Dear Robin,
      Good to hear from you…How have you been?
      I think you’re right about T. And that’s a big difference between Mr Nice and him. Mr Nice has his own issues, difficult past etc… But he has worked on them. Now the jury’s still out on whether he has emerged from this strong enough to withstand me…
      I really hope so because what I have seen so far makes me think he is worth it.

  6. I think D’s reasons for leaving were very similar to T’s. You described it well. And I’m glad T didn’t drag it out as long as D did. D literally lived a double life for several years. You wouldn’t want that.

    Your new relationship sounds promising. 🙂

    • You’re right Pat, I shudder to think about what may have been if he’d lived a double life for ages before making his mind up… And I’m sorry you had to live through this 😦
      I’m taking things very slowly with Mr Nice as I am so unsure and petrified… He is very patient, bless him. 😉

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