Year 1: The end

For a solid ten days around Christmas, grief ruled my life.

I dragged myself through the days, my little girl’s absence cutting a whole into my heart, hating her father with useless ferocity, angry with everything and everyone.

It must have been one long ordeal a joy for those around me, my colleagues, a few friends unfortunate enough to still be around, and my rather stoical parents.

I was caught in a perfect storm of anniversary time, being deprived of my daughter for our first broken family Christmas, and having the New Ms T rubbed like salt in my wounds every night when I spoke to my baby on Skype.

The energy I expounded on fuming, imaging clever put-downs and revengeful scenarios could probably power the whole of France’s Christmas lights for weeks.

Then my daughter came back, and with her an almost tangible relief. I was finally able to relax, and spent a few days on holiday near the Mediterranean enjoying both children and watching the spectacular winter sunsets spray life with gold.

I kicked off the new year by going skiing with my son and friends on a beautiful sunny day, and everything still is an odd mixture of relief at not being a year ago, and sadness for all that has happened. But all in all, welcome to 2012, and a great new year to you all!

My son’s favourite of the moment, have a little dance!

Lucenzo – Emigrante del mundo

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20 thoughts on “Year 1: The end

  1. “The energy I expounded on fuming, imaging clever put-downs and revengeful scenarios could probably power the whole of France’s Christmas lights for weeks.”……..oooooooohhhhh baby do i know this. You should have heard me at the top of my lungs, alone in the house and rattling the walls.
    They say that the sound waves were felt in China…this night will live in legend.!!!

    I know E….it will get better, or at least more tolerable.
    hugs from across the pond.

  2. The budding LC in me says focus on the future. Find a goal that consumes your being so there is no time for looking back.

    And yes it’s all a great easier to type than do – I know. Because like you I have the Tshirt, the megaphone and all the other stuff!

    The resources are within you – it’s just a case of finding where they’re hidden!

    • Cheers Caroline. I do intend to make use of my moments of feeling better to rummage around looking for those resources and focusing on the future!
      Really wish a certain life coach hadn’t left me high and dry…And really thankful that a budding life coach is pushing me along πŸ˜‰
      xx

  3. I’ve been there and it is exhausting, but fair play to you, you got through it. There are lots of parents out there who stop their children seeing their mother/father when they separate. You are doing a good thing here for your kids. Oh and it does get easier. Well done you and I with you well for 2012.

    • Hey Jacqueline,
      I am really hurt, but not blind: I know my daughter needs her dad (her brother did too, but that’s another story). I couldn’t live with myself if I stopped her from seeing him…
      Thanks for your kind words, I struggle and I’m not a great mum all the time, so the encouragement is welcome. πŸ™‚
      xx

  4. You’ve done it. You’ve pushed through — somewhat painfully — the first big and important anniversary and there should be a sharp and welcome uptick very soon.

    From here there will be ups and downs, but I hope your overall trend will continue in a positive direction. You’re so much more than you were nine months ago and that alone should buoy you.

    • I have to admit to being a little disappointed, I know the holiday season and first anniversary are over, but I was expecting more relief, some kind of corner turning, I don’t know…Instead, it’s very much the same old struggle and pains. I really hope that meeting new people will distract me from the past!
      xx

      • I know…we want to feel like if we just get around the corner, then the world will suddenly be brighter.
        It feels more like getting back in shape after a long lull away from exercise. Lots of little incremental gains with setbacks along the way.
        I feel like i’m climbing a long hil on my bicycle…and every time I think I have reached the top ready to cruise down the back downhill….I realize that it was a false summit and I have to leep climbing. Then there will be a small downhill….floowed by a bigger climb ahead.
        It hurts, but I know if I stop now, I’ll never get a good view.
        So…Lady E…Here’s to great views!!

        • I like LFBA’s analogy to getting back into shape with exercise, but to me, it truly does feel like the tired old metaphor of two steps forward, one step back when I’m trying to push through some kind of emotional struggle. I’ll have hours or days of feeling really, honestly FINE and then — suddenly — I slide backwards and am awash in self-pity or frustration or depression.

          Really, it just seems like it should be like the movies, don’t you think? When the heroine realizes that the sun has come out again and all is right with the world and you just know that her tears have dried up for good! My divorce snuck up on me long after it seemed frightfully unfair for it to do so.

          • Yup, I’m on the tired old metaphor treadmill too, and I want out. I am sick of feeling depressed, self-pitiful and self-doubting…
            And I entirely agree, why can’t my life be a made-in-Hollywood romcom, uh? Not fair…;)
            xx

        • I don’t like all that cycling uphill lark, if I wanted great view, I’d drive! πŸ˜‰ x
          ps. Just get yerself smaller fingers

          • Boy Lady E…You don’t want to go kayaking with me and you don’t want to ride bikes with me…and now you are calling my fingers fat. and …and …and …I thought we were doing so well?!! πŸ˜₯ ;-(

            Can I still eat the raclette?? Please?? 8)

  5. You got to see spectacular winter sunsets spray life with gold! And you are the kind of person who not only notices such things but can capture them in words! Honestly that little phrase was so refreshing to read that I almost felt relief, too. Here’s to making 2012 the year of golden life. Hugs.

    • Aw, thanks DFB. Winter sunlight by the sea does amazing things truly, like reminding you that beauty is everywhere.
      Here’s to this amazing year! xx

  6. Pingback: Do you remember? | Laughing cow in France

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