Don’t regret regret

It is eleven o’clock at night, snowing, and I have just cycled home. I am terminally c-c-c-c-c-cold.

This morning, in my standard 7:05 half-asleep state, I dithered on whether to wear thermal underpants or not, and opted for not. Granted, it did save 10 seconds on my morning schedule, which is not something to be spat at, but now my legs are probably going to turn black and fall off…

For crying out loud, this city is surrounded by iced-up mountains towering around 3500 m (that’s well over 11,000 ft), and the weather forecast mentioned snow later in the day, so why did I ever think this might be a good idea, uh?…

Anyway, this brings me nicely onto today’s subject, which is regret, as in regretting not wearing thermal underpants, regretting that second bottle of wine (or wozzeeeet anuver maxi vodka sh-shhhhot?), taking that job, not telling someone you loved them before it was too late… You get the picture, we all have regrets, big and small, and this is what this clever lady says about it:

So, what did you think?… I have recently discovered TED talks: They feed pretty cool science and technology stuff to my nerdy-scientist’s mind, and I started delving into the non-science stuff too.

Now, while I do find the talks and the idea of making them available in this format interesting, I also find many of them a tad over-American (Read: with a tendency to over-simplify complex things to the point that you get the picture in 2D instead of 3, and to needlessly pull at emotional strings, as if life was one gigantic Oprah show).

Ok, don’t get upset if you are American, I love Americans really (mwah-mwah), you have lots of cool stuff for you, and most importantly, a much better looking president than us. What’s more, us Europeans smoke too much and cannot agree on anything, not even on what should be called chocolate or a plan to save our currency (both outrageous, really).

Ok, erm, digression over: What I got from the talk it is that regret is a universal part of life. And that if we want to know joy, love and happiness, we cannot spare ourselves regret, pain and grief. There essentially seems to be a kind of balance in what we feel, reflected in the depth of both the pain and the joy we are able to experience.

So as the silent snow and my empty house are deafening reminders of all I have lost in a year, as the searing pain blinds me, makes me scream at the walls and regret ever meeting T, I have to cling on to that thought, and the fantastically deep joys that lay ahead.

My current anthem, Leona Lewis – Hurt. If you are hurting right now, my advice is that you turn the volume up…


13 thoughts on “Don’t regret regret

  1. I’ve clicked on like which seems rather strange as like is the wrong sentiment.

    You have a lovely adorable daughter – cling to that. And focus on your future. A future which can and will be all and more that you want.

    The hardest thing is to focus on the future (I know – I have a Phd in focusing in the wrong direction) but the LC is right (he has blogged today on how to deal with Break UPs). I fought his view so hard until I finally saw it. It took time for me to open the locked door in my mind but once I did I was amazed.

    I still get moments of incredible sadness but they don’t last and finally, finally I’m learning how to stop them taking over. You will too I know it. You’re a wonderful woman who is going to have a wonderful future.

    You just need a devious and cunning plan. A plan that is so cunning it has a degree in being cunning…….



    • You’re right Caroline, I do need a plan. But right now, it’s all I can do to just cling on until the moment passes, I feel so tired of this at times, the pull of the nothingness underneath can be so strong, it’s scary.
      Thanks for the hugs x

  2. I was at a Science & Philosophy lecture the weekend before last (on cosmology) and TED came up because, as you say, it does have a lot of useful science material. It never occurred to me before today to look at the other material, or even the derivation of the acronym (which is: Technology, Entertainment, Design). Duh!

    First, thanks for the heads-up about TED’s other material!

    Second, we mayhave a better-looking President, but I understand yours gets ‘out and about’ more. 🙂

    Third, I agree: If you want the good stuff, you’ve got to accept some crappy times along the way too. It reminds of an adage — perhaps aphorism is a better word — for working in Sales: 95% of what you do is useless and goes nowhere, but sales are generated by that last 5%, so you have to do it all and get a lot of “No” responses to get a “Yes” response. Sometimes I think relationships are a lot like that…

    • Really, you think our president gets out and about??
      I know what you’re saying about the 5% reward, 95% effort, but I’m just tired right now. I’ve been battling for nearly a year, not letting go however bad it was, but to feel that crap again now, now that I am worn and ready for good things, it just feels like too much at times.
      I want happiness and love right now, not my children scattered over Europe on Xmas week. I want my whole family…

      • Trust me when I say I understand about you feeling tired right now. You may be more tired, but I know how you feel. I think we have to be realistic though … the happiness and love is going to be just as much hard work as it was last time around. Sad but true.

        By the way, when you say you opted for “not” with the thermal knickers, I hope you remembered to wear *something* because it would explain why you felt so cold otherwise.. 🙂

        • Maintaining a happy and loving relationship is hard work, but infinitely lighter than trying to keep from just sinking.
          And maybe my choice of words was wrong, by thermal underpants, I didn’t mean knickers, but the thermal legging thingies I wear to go skiing and stuff, so rest assured: no Lady E going commando ;)!

  3. Regret is energy seeping and at times all consuming I know. Regrets like not putting on thermal knickers we can all live with, but the tough stuff is much harder to shift. You’re a determined lady who will get there – thermal knickers or not! 😉

    • Cheers Jacqueline. I am determined generally, but at times it’s just too much, there is no determination, no fight left in me, I just want to crawl under the covers and forget, forget about my shattered dreams, how much I have been hurting over the last 12 months, forget about the fact that my children will not even be together for Xmas…
      Anyway, it’ll pass… x

  4. “”So as the silent snow and my empty house are deafening reminders of all I have lost in a year””

    I loooooove your writing.

    —And that sentence pretty well describes how I’ve felt for a year, too.

    Xx Kiss for you from MN>

  5. Hey Kim,
    Yes, it’s like clinging on to a raft in a cold stormy sea. After a while, your muscle seize up, you feel like you cannot carry on, it feels so tempting to let go, and so scary to even think that.
    Hugs to you from the snowy Alps

  6. We are probably in similar sentiment sometimes. Regretting ever meeting T and X…..but at the same time knowing how we could not even imagine our lives without the children that came about from those realtionships.
    It does mess with the mind. I have been able to discuss this a bit with my adult daughter (who I inherited with the relationship to X). She understands it…. She is asking me now if I think I’ll ever get over her mom and telling me that I deserve better.
    Life is full of regrets…and that makes the joys so much sweeter. I think for us, it’s not so much the regret….but the betrayed trust that was the cause of it. This is where my turmoil stems from. I suspect for you too…this holds a lot of weight.
    Onward to 2012. Jan 1 marks 2yrs for me that my life ended. Now it’s time to begin a new one.
    peace to you

  7. Hello there LFBA,
    For me, I’m not sure the betrayed trust is the worst bit of it…Jury’s still out on that one. But you’re right, there’s no point in regretting, it’s just that at times, the pain is so acute it makes me loose my mind a bit.
    Anyway, yes, the 1st of January will be my one year anniversary, time for a new life for me too.

    • I understand completely. Those moments of searing emotional agony that can well up from nowhere. Every room in my house can hold a hidden memory that triggers something.
      You should have seen me on the freeway the other day….screaming at the top of my lungs while having the imaginary conversations with X and what she did. The screws holding my cranial vault came loose and the mind went a flyin.
      I hate wherre we are….but I’m glad we are in this together.

      I don’t think I want to wait until 2015 to hit the alps. Let’s all get healed and get that reunion on!!

      Peace to you dear Lady E.

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