Two views on starting anew

Mutual support

It’s been a while since Separated Dad and I have graced you with our respective views on the tortuous path of recovery from being-dumped-by-your-spouse.

For each of us, 2011 has been an eventful and difficult year in its own way, but it’s a mark of our progress that we are now both spending more time looking forward than back, and considering letting new people into our lives…

Here is Separated Dad’s view on starting anew, and you can find mine here:

In March, the very first comment on my newly-minted blog about my likely divorce was by Lady E.

From that point on, we have both blogged about our experiences and endured the ups and downs that come with a separation where the other party made the decision.

We have been on similar paths this year, with the goal being to work our way back from separation to new independence and eventually into a new and happy relationship. We carry different baggage from our pasts and have different concerns about new relationships. Despite this, and despite living in different countries, there are some similarities in our backgrounds. We wrote a number of joint posts (here is one example) and chatted offline about our struggles.

The woes and worries of the first quarter of 2011 carried forward into the second quarter. My own feelings about the separation were being suppressed. Perhaps this was partly because I didn’t listen hard enough to Lady E when she strongly recommended that I pursue counselling. As others have also commented since, suppressing these feelings doesn’t work for long.

The third quarter of 2011 was pivotal for me. A trip to England was followed up by some weeks at home, glumly looking around idly at the world and realizing that I didn’t have to do it all, get it right, that I could be feeble sometimes without being a weak person. I realized that getting separated isn’t something that I could soldier through without processing it. Working hard at home and outside the home isn’t a compensation for the hurt that caught up with me. I crashed. And I was much better for it.

I wasn’t done yet. My father died and my flying visit to Australia (with less than 3 days on the ground in Australia) fired up new emotions. When I returned, I had a new flood in my basement and I had squabbling kids. I crashed again. But this time, I paused and decided…enough. I’d had my chance to scream at the sky, to feel the hurt, and to mourn the loss of my wife. It was time to look forward.

With the start of the fourth quarter, I knew something in me had changed. I was steady again. I no longer had the ups and down, the days where I wondered why I suddenly felt so very, very sad. Not long after I saw the world in color again, I found the familiar stirring of an interest in someone else. It wasn’t destined to be, but it made me realize that I had — somehow — healed.

When I have a crappy day, the feelings are rooted in the events of that day, not the past. My hopes grow from the certainty that I have a future, and that there will be someone in that future. I don’t know who that person will be yet. My intrigue about that new someone knows few bounds and my eyes are open with wonder and inquiry.

I am on the road to someone new and am pleased to have the voice of Lady E in my ear. Her advice and support helps and moderates me . I’m also getting good advice and support from other friends, but Lady E gets the full credit today because this is being posted on *her* blog.. 🙂

The Beatles – Twist and Shout

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5 thoughts on “Two views on starting anew

  1. What a very real, lovely and positive post. It certainly took me back to trying to cope with my separation some years ago and reflect on how I coped/or didn’t cope at times. I wish I had had a blog, or even known about blogs – I think it is a wonderful way to process what your going through and to share it with others – who in turn gain support and learn from your words. So to lady E and Separated Dad I take my hat off to you both, thank you for sharing this.

    • Thanks, my Scottish friend! (Note: I almost took a job in Edinburgh a few times, and would have liked it there if I had found the right one).

      I think it certain that I would not have reached my current level of acceptance of the situation at home without this blog. It has delivered support from new virtual friends and given me an understanding of the process and emotional roller-coaster ride that comes with separation. It is literally similar to the kind of support group that people attend in weekly sessions. Except it has way more flexible hours! 🙂

  2. Pingback: Two views on starting anew | Four is a Family

  3. WTG, S!

    I ♥ the picture of the kittens- used to have two that looked just like those- Tigger was orange, and Merlin was the black and white. Cute!

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