Mood swings and roundabouts

I am working in Germany again this week. Sitting in a spectacularly ugly bauhaus hotel room (now, I am being cruel, bauhaus can be lean and beautiful- just not in this hotel room), feeling lonely and confused.

The week had started reasonably well. I was enjoying the kind of unadulterated freedom which comes from waking up in the morning, and heading for a breakfast I did not even have to prepare, instead of having to change nappies, make three breakfasts, not have time to eat mine, sign a note from school that’s inevitably been forgotten, pack snacks and bags, check teeth are brushed, hair combed, feet socked, fingers gloved…

But as the week wears on, I wrestle with an increasing but hard-to-place feeling of discontent. I miss my children, but am not looking forward to going back home, to juggling too many balls at once, to making every single decision on my own, and forgetting to buy more bin bags. I feel tired, and in need of a solid shoulder to lay my head on again (damn Plaster Man for not having his head screwed on properly!).

Instead I got an eyeful of stuff I did not want to see when I tried to visit the hotel’s sauna: I had forgotten about the Germans’ habit of prancing around stark naked in their mixed saunas, and their unrivalled sense of humour (they all had a good laugh when they saw the look on my face). And I got a greasy dinner by myself, trying to understand bits and bobs of the news blaring from the TV set above my head… How much more cheerful can it get?

Anyway, I’m sure tomorrow will be another day.

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17 thoughts on “Mood swings and roundabouts

  1. The funny thing is, with the exception of the reference to Plaster Man, I have been considering a post along very similar lines. A little less of the brushes and combs, and none of the naked saunas, but more of the messes and cleaning up, and my post is now half-written!

    Thanks and cheer up — I want to not feel tired too! 🙂

    Cheers, SD xx.

    • Funny….cuz I had just started a draft about bringing it on…messy dishes, backpack stuffing, sniffles and all the responsiblitiy. I’m feeling incomplete as a forced half-time parent and if I can’t have my family whole, I want the remaining part 100% of the time.

    • Mmmm, sounds like there’s something a it melancholy going around this week…
      I’m back home, currently being howled at by two grumpy children, wishing I was somewhere else actually. Big sigh…

  2. My feelings are – How come the cheat gets to swan off and share a new life with none of the grief and heartache of coping solo and the one who is honest gets left with having to do everything on their own!

    Life!

    The sun is shining here in the UK for once!

    Hope things are more cheerful for you this morning.

    And the trouble with german is they don’t have a word for “fluffy” which is a cheering concept when put in the context of naked saunas

    • I don’t know if any of our departed spouses are swanning off and not experiencing any of the grief (and who cares about them anyway?), but we certainly get plenty of pretty grizzly times, don’t we?
      The sun was out here today as well, wih a stunning backdrop of the snowy Alps, this wasn’t to bad really.
      I just wish I could enjoy it all fully, instead of feeling incomplete and frazzled.

      Hope your weekend keeps going well!
      x

    • Caroline,

      Re: fluffy … what about “flaumig”?

      Re: “How come the cheat gets to swan off and share a new life with none of the grief and heartache of coping solo and the one who is honest gets left with having to do everything on their own!” … what will be Part 2 of my most recent post. Good preview!

  3. Nackten Deutschen!!! Schön! Leben ist gut!

    The dilemma and guilt of enjoying a bit of time without responsibilty, while anticipating it back in full swing and not relishing the “tasks” of parenthood…is all so normal.
    I think the weight is heavier as your backup options are now changed.
    Sending you a solid phantom shoulder through the ether upon which to lay your head.

    many years ago when my family was relatively new, my daughter got sick and threw up all over her bedroom floor. Her Mom was sleeping but I was awake. She came out apologizing and crying. I had her sit down, cleaned her up, changed her sheets and got her back into bed. She then asked me why I wasn’t mad at her. Long story short, she felt like her biological dad would have yelled at her. She hugged me for a long time and did not want to let go.
    If you ahd asked me before that time if I would have preferred to clean up her sick or be out in a different city somewhere, I may have chosen the latter.
    Afterwords though I couldn’t think of anything better or more important for me to have done and I would not have traded being able to ease her mind for anything.

    I don’t “know” you, but I have felt your heart through your writings.
    You will treasure every misplaced hair, socked foot and fingered glove. Not the most “exciting” thing….but ohhhhh what a privilege and honor to be there for them.

    Peace to you Lady E.

    • LFBA,

      With your daughter, you showed the difference between being there and being there FOR HER. Great job. It means being willing to deal with the diapers (nappies) and … übergeben 🙂

    • Hey Kim, my work’s headquarters are in Germany, so I have to go there regularly-ish…
      Yes, definitely going through some bitter-sweet moments right now. How are you bearing up? x

  4. Tis the season…or it’s in the water…or something. I’m trying to catch up on my blog reading and when I looked at the titles of the ones I haven’t read, I decided maybe I should wait until I feel better. I chose yours first Lady E, because Mood Swings sounded less threatening than the others–Pity Party; Poor, Poor Pitiful Me (substitute Pat for Me). How are we doing so far with all those pees? I’m not kidding, I have five or six pending and all the titles sound as bad as the two above. Too bad we can’t all get together and have a party.

    BTW, did you mean to call them spouses and just forgot the p? I’m thinking souses might be the better word. I must go to bed and sleep this one off. I’m not even drinking.

  5. I know Pat, all these Ps! it’s just shocking isn’t it? 😉
    I hope all this gloomy reading didn’t bring you down…
    And thanks for your eagle-eyed spotting, I do like souses though… x

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