Sunday marked the first day of my 39th year, which brings me scarily closer to 40,  how did that ever happen when in my head I am still 27-ish?

Anyway, I got smothered in sticky kisses from my babies first thing in the morning, my daddy squeezed me lots of oranges, and the house, wrapped in fog, felt adrift on a cloud of unexpected joy.

The day before, I spent a steamy afternoon at the hammam with two great friends, and a lovely evening partying at home with cheese, wine and more friends. The phone kept ringing throughout the day and the city even switched on the Christmas lighting in my honour (what else?).

But still, I had to make a conscious effort not to look forward or back, because either sides of now still hurt too much.

And while I am timidly hoping for change, I still feel very much like a paper boat in a dangerous sea.

We had a good dance to Little Boots’s Remedy thanks to the talents of DJ JB


18 thoughts on “Birthday

  1. Happy Birthday. It’s what you feel inside that matters – I’m not moving on from 35!!

    I hope your home continues to float on a cloud of unexpected joy.- Who knows where it’ll end up!


    • Thank you Caroline! It’s been a good day in spite of everything that’s happened since my last birthday.
      The joy has rather deserted the rest of this week, but hey ho, onwards, and upwards an’ all that…x

  2. I’d sing a belated Happy Birthday to you, except it might result in the death of small animals and other vulnerable creatures. Yes, my singing is *that* bad

  3. I think birthdays are magical. My 40th birthday party was supposed to be a huge, wonderful blowout in Aspen with friends flying in from the coasts, but it was cancelled at the last minute as my then-husband and I realized that we couldn’t put on a good, brave face all weekend (we didn’t realize we were 3 weeks from a final decision). So no party. No presents. But I was so numb, I didn’t really care.

    Still, a year later, for the first time ever, I threw myself a big birthday party at my favorite local restaurant. I sent out email invites to all the best ladies I knew and was astounded by how many showed up to celebrate with me – we kept adding chairs and then tables! Their presence moved me to tears every time I looked at our long, looooong table. 🙂 It was easily the best birthday ever.

    Better times are around a corner, I promise. Your friends are rallying, your children love you, and your heart will mend.

    • Thank you TPG, I too am usually a great fan of birthdays (and parties). This one has been a nice birthday under the circumstance, but as you mentionned, I really look forward to my heart being mended…Which is still some way off. Glad to hear you had such a lovely birthday party after the complete let-down of your 40th. 🙂

  4. Joyeux anniversaire!! Étreintes de vous.
    I know…I said before I would no longer attempt French …but what the heck.
    In Greek it would be Χρόνια πολλά. (Chronia Polla)
    Love the paper boat metaphor.
    Both sides of now are both reality and fantasy. One you can not change so it effectively no longer exists, the other is unknown and as yet unwritten. Living in the present with an eye toward the future and the ability to learn from the past is what I am striving for,
    TPG’s last post about “handling ” the truth has me re-thinking a lot of things too…and I see it evoked a nice response from you.

    You live in a beautiful place.
    You have wonderful children
    You’ll get there. (wherever there is for you)
    You have been hurt but there is strength and love in you.
    Peace to you

    • Etreintes de vous LFBA? Jaysus, what is that supposed to mean? 😉
      Anyway, you’re right, there is so much in my life, that I should feel pretty lucky really…
      Methinks I just need a good man for Xmas, and life will be close to perfection!
      Yes, TPG’s post did make me react because it touches to a sensitive issue in me…
      Peace to you too and thanks for the Greek birthday wishes!

      • Well…that’s why I was supposed to stop. It is supposed to be “hugs to you”. I guess that is one of the main problems with not actually having ever spoken the language, just seen it written and had to translate from the word etiology.
        Sorry. ;-(. sighoreeseis ?? (Forgive me??)

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