Change is gonna come

A low-res capture of "Silver Lining"...

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First, there are the signs: For the last week or so, I have been able to look at T’s handsome face on Skype without feeling like something sharp is being driven into my lungs, to hear him without feeling my stomach twist in fear and grief, to see old pictures of us without welling-up…

Instead, all I am left with is a plateful of cold anger, with a side of immense tiredness… But even that, I know, will eventually end up in the bin.

Alright, so don’t get too excited: I haven’t found Buddha or been smoking the carpet, but it has almost been a year since T took the ground from under my feet, and it feels, at last, like something within me is shifting with some kind of permanence.

Then, as I struggled to find sleep last night, I was reminded of this old blog post from the early days, and realised that the ties of love which bound me to T have probably snapped when I wasn’t looking. They now lie limp, trodden on, unrecognisable at our feet. This makes me feel vaguely sad, but only in a tenuous, exhausted kind of way. I probably ran out of sadness for 2011 somewhere around March anyway …

And unmistakably, there is a kind of shy hope peering from behind the clouds too: Could this be the closure I had been waiting for? I cannot really know for sure, especially as it all still feels so fragile and I have been insanely anxious lately, but yes,  it’s been a long, long time coming, and I know change is gonna come…

The Neville Brothers – A change is gonna come:


14 thoughts on “Change is gonna come

  1. New hope for you as the new year approaches. My congratulations and empathy as I wish you a smoother path, as well as understand the sadness that comes when one finds their love beginning to fade. I wonder sometimes if I still cling to that to make my time with X meaningful…but I too find my love for her fading. This all helped along of course by the contempt shown to me during this process.
    What is harder though is to let go of the idea of my family being whole. Of course it will never be again, and that keeps the clouds in sight.
    I wish you light and laughs as you forge your new life. Focus on the new horizon’s sunrise and remember that this glimmer is now there when your path takes dips.
    Peace to you Lady E

    • I hope this new development takes on a bit more reality and solidity LFBA. I still feel ever so fragile…
      Here’s to your recovery too LFBA. I’m glad we’re sort of on this journey together x

    • Dear Jacqueline, yes, I aspire to joy and peace, and hope to be able to welcome them when they come. But it’s funny how there seems to be two equally strong pulls within me: One toward life, joy, and light, and one towards fear, emptiness and doom. I just want to give the first one more space… x

      • The pull in two directions is the ‘killer’ isn’t it. I know just what you mean.

        You’re doing brilliantly. You are an inspiration.

        • Thanks, Caroline. Well, I don’t exactly feel brilliant or even remotely confident, but as you know, there’s a little bit of good and hope in my life right now… It helps. x

  2. You always write about your situation so eloguently that I sometimes let my love for the way you express yourself get in the way of what your’e actually saying. However after reading this post twice, which is not a struggle, I am left with a faintly cheering image of you rebuilding your life and beginning to look more for the oportunities it presents. It looks like 2012 may have a lot more to promise you if this trend continues.

    • Thank you for the compliment counting ducks, and yes, essentially you are right, I am timidly hoping that the worst is behind me, and that I can start rebuilding my life for good, instead of surviving in a field of ruins. I am still quite hesitant about it though because it all still feels so fragile…x

    • I do hope you’re right Pat… The journey is so long and tortuous, I just hope this is a real step forward. Anyway, seeing you ahead on this path gives me some hope. x

    • Thanks Kim. I think although my grief is different to yours, you know the kind of journey it takes us on, the steps forward, and back, the moments of peace, joy, respite, and the utter misery never far behind…But overall, we’re headed in the right direction, aren’t we? xx

  3. BTW I have a lovely image of you sitting crossed legged on the floor with a rolled up piece of carpet – which is gently smouldering!!

    I presume you haven’t rolled T up in it………………….


  4. I have been hoping for some time that 2012 would be a year of new adventures and boundaries for you. As the new year draws closer, you too are drawing closer to realizing that hope. Yay you!

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