The stars blink, indifferent and far in the frozen sky, winter and its desolation are on their way. The sun struggles to truly warm the short days, there are less and less leaves on the trees, and children are fantasising over Christmas lists.

I have been feeling fragile again lately. It’s nothing comparable to the early days of the separation, most of the time, the pain has dulled as everyone predicted, and I feel on a more even keel. But I am not happy, and T is still a thorn in my side.

Incidentally, he is taking The New Ms T off to a large Italian city for the weekend… With our daughter whose birthday is on Monday. She will be two, and I really fail to see how sticking her in a car for hours, wandering around a cold city and staying in a hotel can be an enjoyable way to celebrate her birthday. Annoyingly, there’s also an unmistakable pang of jealousy I cannot suppress at the thought that T has organised this trip, when he never did anything of the sort with me.

Anyway, back on the French side of the Alps, I have been feeling overwhelmed, struggling to keep up with the demands of work, sick children, and forever a million things to sort out, anticipate, and organise. I have been going through the days automatically, missing something I could not put my finger on.

Until i-tunes’ random ploughing through my music library turned up this old Massive Attack track, and gave me a small epiphany: What I miss is to hide in someone’s arms for a while, feel protected.

Massive attack – Protection:


21 thoughts on “Protection

  1. What I miss is to hide in someone’s arms for a while, feel protected.

    Yes, so true. That’s what I miss too. And according to the LC that’s what a Real Man should be doing. It’s his role. So no wonder having been there and had that protection we are now missing it like crazy.

    I totally agree with you on what T is doing. Ludicrous to take a 2 year old on that sort of ‘birthday treat’. Clearly he has no idea, is definitely deranged and only thinking of the new Mrs T who he is struggling to impress! If he was at peace in this new relationship he would see this idea is a really bad one.

    Can’t your daughter ‘pull a sicky’!!! and so stay at home and have a lovely time running around and being 2!!

    Hope your weekend improves.


    • Thanks Caroline, I rather like your suggestion of the many ways in which my toddler ruins their romantic escapade!
      On the protection-side of things, yes, I think the life coach may have been right, and MY need for security is especially high. Which is a problem because in reality, what budding relationship could support such neediness?
      My weekend did improve, thanks, but somehow, I now stand in a place of confusion. How did yours pan out? xx

  2. Just another thought.

    On the positive side this trip will probably stretch his relationship with the new Mrs T to the limit. She clearly has no idea how a bored, probably cold, unhappy, tired 2 yr old can behave. How sharing a hotel room with a 2yr old can be challenging. How you can’t just leave a 2yr old on her own when you go out to dinner – and if you take her with you she will soon be overtired and fractious! So they’ll soon be back in their hotel room having to be quiet so she can sleep!

    And T – being a man besotted with his new woman (I won’t use the word lady) – has given it no thought at all – and only sees the whole idea as one filled with a glorious parenting experience with his daughter behaving like all 2 yr olds do in the adverts!

    On reflection I think it’s a brilliant idea!! And your daughter will be fine. She’ll soon forget the experience. Though it may be a bit hard on her going through it.

    Do encourage to be as ‘bad’ as she can be!!

    Ah how the AstroTurf beckons………………….!!!

    • Thank you LFBA, somehow, I’m sure you’re still really good at those! (ask G?)…Anyway, just what I needed: A strong pair of arms around me. x

  3. You’ve had lots of reasons to feel down. I hope you and your son will be able to have a good time together despite the circumstances.

    I, too, miss the comfort of those hugs I had grown so accustomed to.

    • Dear Pat,
      Yep, I’m in a bit of turmoil really, and rather than just the hugs themselves, I think I miss the safety of having someone there for me. I guess it’s somehow turning up a problem because it feels like I don’t feel secure enough in just me?…Ghaaa, confusion. xx

  4. Caroline is so right – at eight, you can expect them to fall in with your plans, while at two, you either plan around their age and abilities, or you are forced to change your plans. T and the new Mrs. will be seeing one another in a different light before the end of the weekend. And then you can have a birthday she will enjoy…and next year will be your turn and she will be old enough to remember it πŸ™‚

    • Hey Robin,
      Ironically, my son is 8 and he is the one who doesn’t usually fall in with my plans. My daughter is very accomodating in that way, I guess being the second, she sort of had to fold into the family plans more. Anyway, yes, I hope you’re right and intend to have a nice very low-key birrthday celebration centered around her when she gets back.

  5. I LOVE Caroline’s suggestion that the 2 year old will bring reality into the sheltered romance with New Mrs T. I understand how hard it is to watch him do things that are seemingly uncharacteristic. But remember… he is flailing around with absolutely no sense of self to ground him. His actions are just a smoke screen. The real T is still there, and will be when the dust settles. But you’ll be long gone, and better off because of it. Your little girl will remember the happiness she feels when she’s around you– birthday or not. πŸ™‚

    • Hey DFB, Sadly our daughter behaved impeccably instead of ruining the weekend. She came back croaky and shattered though, so I’m glad it was only two days…
      I think you may be right about the smoke screen, but he’s so self-convinced, it’s actually convincing. Anyway, yes, I look forward to that day when the dust settles and I am not the one getting destroyed by it this time.
      ps. Her brother and I got my daughter up singing happy b’day and she loved it so much we ended up singing for a solid 15 minutes πŸ™‚

  6. Re: “I have been feeling overwhelmed, struggling to keep up with the demands of work, sick children, and forever a million things to sort out, anticipate, and organise. I have been going through the days automatically, missing something I could not put my finger on.”

    I think that being the primary caregiver for two kids automatically makes you completely overloaded. Small kids drain every last minute of your free time and most of your energy.

    Right now, the work to bring up the kids seems endless. But they change quicker than you realize. They start dressing themselves, washing themselves, entertaining themselves, talking among themselves, they slowly reduce the burden on you.

    Maybe the thing you have been missing is not just someone to be with, but also time to be ‘you’ and time to reflect and think and enjoy life?

    • Thanks for the encouraging words SD… I do not want to wish those precious early years away, but yes, they are hard work.
      Hope your big girls are doing better…xx

  7. Dragging a child of two around on a long car journey sounds like a stupid idea to me. Puting on my kindest face can I say I hope your daughter starts screaming and crying continuously in the back of he car, as only two year olds can, thus shredding the nerves of Mr T and the new Mrs T to shreds and producing the mother of all arguments. Ok, It’s not nice t ohave thoughts like this, but you can’t be nice all the time

    • Mmm, I know, she didn’t get any presents either, nice touch daddy…
      Frustratingly, she behaved really well and didn’t shred anyone’s nerves. Pants!
      Good to hear from you counting ducks! x

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