So unfair!

She said she wasn't photogenic

Image by soylentgreen23 via Flickr

When I joined high-school, one of the dominant girls in my class, who was aptly named something sounding like Delphine Bully, picked on me relentlessly.

I was a small, awkward 15-year-old, feeling bewildered in a new 5000-pupil high-school, and her behaviour was very much the sporting equivalent of hunting a caged baby rabbit with a Kalashnikov.

Luckily, a solid group of friends, and distractions such as passing notes during lessons, eating chocolate pasta (yes, yes, obviously a French gastronomic highlight you missed out on), watching 9 and 1/2 weeks with saucer eyes, or even getting plastered with Cointreau on a memorable sleepover helped me survive the nightmarish school year. The following year, we were in separate classes and I was able to bloom in peace, while Delphine Bully presumably went on to ruin someone else’s life.

Now, if the world was ever fair, I reckon Delphine Bully should currently be rewarded for her cruelty by working the tills at Carrefour’s (the French Tesco’s), having no friends, and sporting a double-chin and nasty highlights.

Well, thanks to the weird connections of Facebook, I recently found out that she works in fashion, is married to an Italian stud and has two mail-order-catalogue little girls. Of course, there is always the possibility that the Italian stud cheats on her with anything with a pulse, that she doesn’t have any friends, that her job is a miserable drag and her girls miserable brats, but still, how annoying is that?

On a more current note, many people say that T will regret breaking our family to pursue the New Ms T, and that he will eventually be an unhappy man with middle-age spread and estranged children. But in the meantime, he seems happier than I have seen him in a long time, pleased with seeing his daughter every other weekend, while leaving behind the brother he used to call his son. In fact, he seems to have arrived where he wanted to be, which somehow implies that he’d made a mistake in having a family with me, and I find especially horrible…

The reality is that everyday, men and women brutally leave their spouses in much the same way he did, and whilst I would like to imagine them carrying on through life plagued with regret for what they lost, and guilt for the pain and destruction they caused, many seem to actually do very well, thank you very much. They seem to build new versions of happily ever after, have more kids, re-invent themselves as great people, while everyone around conveniently forgets the past.

It might be in reaction to being dangerously close to turning another year older, but I feel very much like a petulant 15-year-old today:Β  Forget political prisoners, domestic violence, or the famine in East Africa, this is sooo unfaiiiir!

To Sandrine T, Manu P and Hélène, still my friends after all these years.

Remember singing Forever Young and Hotel California off by heart during recess? “I don’t want to perish like a fading horse”, what were they on for crying out loud πŸ˜‰ ??

Alphaville – Forever young

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42 thoughts on “So unfair!

  1. But it’s early days yet and Ts relationship with the new Mrs T can still fall over in the mud and fester in the mire………!!

    And as to Delphine Bully I am positive her Italian stud husband is cheating every chance he gets. Her children live in terror of her and those who work for/with her hate her with a passion!!

    Thank you for reminding me of getting drunk on Cointreau – everyone should do that at least once!

    You have a wonderful sense of humour and as my LC said to me last week – it’s that which will get you through.

    lots of hugs

    Caroline
    xxx

    • πŸ™‚ Thanks Caroline…
      I like your version of Delphine Bully’s life better. Actually, you’re probably right, chance are she’s still a bully.
      Lots of hugs to you too x

  2. I’ve been avidly following your last few posts but haven’t had chance to comment properly. Just wanting to send you a big (((((HUUUUGGGGG)))))). I know exactly where you’re coming from on the “it’s so unfair” front- but like you said you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and while picture perfect on the outside I doubt (hope) very much it isn’t the same on the inside…whose life is at the end of the day!

    Having to deal with your ex on a regular basis is a real pain but remember it’s still the honeymoon period of his new relationship and we all know how wonderful and dreamy relationships are at the start!! A couple of years down the line when his new woman (and he) relaxes into it things might not be so rosy…..in any case, let’s not focus on them….let’s just focus on that big cyber HUG!!!

    Sending buckets of love and support xxxxx

    • Hey Emma,
      Good to hear from you! How have you been?
      And you’re almost certainly right about what goes on behind closed doors, and I do not envy the New Ms T (well… apart from when I get all juvenile πŸ˜‰ ). She must feel pretty insecure.
      Thanks for the cyber hugs, when you coming for a visit??
      xx

      • Alas, my feet are firmly tied to the UK at the mo….serious lack of funds coupled with serious outgoings….having the kitchen done next week and Christmas is looming (kids ALREADY making their tentative lists!). I am good though on the whole….trying to find some ‘me’ time in amongst the madness of daily life – the ‘me’ time essentially only manifests itself as going to the gym which I love but can’t always get to ‘cos of work….but I’ve been lots this week and so am feeling good…work (thus money) always suffers as a result but this week I don’t care- I’ve fitted in work around gym commitments and feel better for it….sooo difficult to fit everything into one day but impt to do things that make you feel happy….Speaking of things that make you happy, what happened with Plaster Man by the way? Is he still on the scene? That was getting interesting πŸ™‚ xxx

        • All this sounds well exciting! I’m sticking my head in the sand about Xmas, pretending it’s been cancelled this year ;). Glad you’re sort of finding a work-life balance. Finding me time is the hardest… xx

  3. Hey Jacqueline,
    Absolutely, I was being all juvenile and insecure, my favourite combination (!).
    Actually, thinking about it, I am pretty different now than for my last birhday. Well, I guess I’m the same too…Wiser? Errr, maybe. Looking older? Definitely.
    xx

  4. Yep….unfair. The Euphoria of new still envelops them. Maybe it will work out…maybe it won’t. Like you I hope for the latter….but our wishes in the end make no difference.
    What matters is how we move past this pain. It takes time and the 15yr old petulance is currently warranted. It is no solace now, but most people that I have spoken with who have done such things as Alex and X, do wake up and regret it later to some extent. Some never come to grips with the re-writing of history that they do…and those are the truly nonrelentling narcissists. If this is how T is, then your life with him may not have turned out the way you hoped. That is NOT meant to sound condescending and I think you know that I feel much the same way you do. We Want redemption for our ex lifemates if for no other reason than to legitimize our time with them.
    Their defense is to minimize our time and beatify their new life. For those of this “grass is greener” ilk, improvment is often only temporary.
    You though continue to turn those broken painful shards into precious gems.
    It hurts. It continues to. It will get better. The wound may always exist, but you (we) will adapt.
    Peace to you
    LFBA

  5. You sound incredibly healthy for one who was deserted so recently. You’re entitled to a bit of petulance. Stamp your feet. Slam a door. It’ll make you feel better. T will have regrets at some point if he hasn’t already. Too late. He doesn’t deserve you

  6. Well if you want to know I feel for you. I havce come across a few unpleasant and self important people in my time and always thought,”They’ll get theirs given time” only to find them driving by me in a Bentley sipping champagne. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it but it really sucks

    • Hey there Counting Ducks,
      Of course, the operative word is that these people SEEM to do well. In reality, they may be miserable.
      And, they may drive a Bentley, but they haven’t got an amazing blog like yours πŸ˜‰
      Pah!

  7. Both Caroline and Emma have good things to say about the new Mrs. T and you can derive some support from their comments and now my echoed agreement with them.

    Being on 2012 !!

  8. You know, as for the former Mean Girl, she is definitely not worth worrying about. Everyone has behind-closed-door secrets, and I am sure she is shouldering her own heavy burden of drama in some way. None of us escapes without it.

    As for T, I’m with you. People constantly predict what will happen to The Ex and The Girlfriend … they won’t last, he’ll cheat on her, she’ll cheat on him, he’ll regret it, etc. Hasn’t happened so far, and you know what? It’s irrelevant. If you sit around waiting for karma to deal out its doses, you’ll go crazy.

    If T’s current idyllic bliss crashed and burned, would you take him back? Would his newfound misery change anything about the current state of your life (other than the temporary satisfaction that his misery was well-deserved)? For me, the answer is no. So … I’m just going to try not to waste time worrying about what happens–good or bad–in The Ex’s new life. Unless it concerns our children, it no longer concerns me.

    The worst part of it is, IMO, exactly what you tagged–the feeling you get from them that these inconsiderate clods are thinking, “Thank GOD I escaped that other life and am in this new and wonderful one!” They conveniently forget that they once felt that way with you, and their forgetting somehow serves to invalidate all that you shared and experienced together. That creates profound sadness in me, and makes me angry, and astounds me with how stupid people can be. But that’s for me to deal with, and for you to deal with, and is irrelevant to T or to The Ex.

    I’m rambling, I think. I don’t have a solution, other than to keep trying to distance yourself from being emotionally involved with T and emotionally invested in the relationship you shared. But that’s a whole lot easier said than done.

    • Yes, I’m still a long way off emotional detachment either from the past or the present… I guess it’s too soon, you don’t wipe out your family life from your brain in 10 months.

      You’re right, the lucky escape vibe hurts in abysmal ways, especially for me because it feels insulting towards the children we created together, and the family we wanted to give them.

      Mmmm, yes, I agree, I’m not going to sit around waiting for karma, … but I’d definitely derive some amount of satisfaction from seeing T & The New Ms T’s (and the Ex and The Girlfriend’s by the same token) idyllic setup crash and burn. Mwahahahaha

      Ps. Humour me Meredith, I’m feeling all rebellious and stupid πŸ˜‰

      • I know…that lucky escape. in my case J tells people how he had to save X from me and my control ….and the fact that I was not happy that X found “happiness” when she left me and broke our family is PROOF that I was NOT a loving husband. Amazing….the mind of narcissists.

          • Agreed. Mine, too. I can’t say I wouldn’t derive satisfaction from that happening—just that I don’t want to spend my time sitting around dwelling on *wanting* that to happen, if that makes any sense.

            • absolutely makes sense. I think I still “want” their failure too much…but my ummm “investment” in the whole mess is different than most. I get to hear his kids call him a selfish a*hole, and it does give me immense satisfaction when they dish that out in front of me. ;-). and I have known him for so long and know what kind of person he is, that It’s easy to want that so that he is out of my son’s life sooner rather than later.

        • Perhaps the turning point will be when we start getting attached to someone else…Then, I can imagine that it’ll be easier to detach from our inglorious exes.
          Meanwhile, good luck ! xo

          • I wish that were always the case. I am attached ,…and I struggle with it every day. It’s like I have two distinct selfs now. The attached and moving forward one…and the betrayed husband/daddy one that misses his family everyday.
            I think letting go will probably have to be a completely non-related thing for me.

  9. I’m late to the party but I just want to say that I agree with you, although my husband is actually upset now and doesn’t like that he isn’t seeing his children as much.

  10. I’m very late to the party as well. Landed here by way of DFB, and this post really struck a cord with me (looking forward to reading more past posts). I keep hoping Karma will come around one day and give ExSpouse what he deserves. But I’m trying to come to terms that even if justice is served to him one day, it might not be in my lifetime to see. Anyway, love your writing style and will be a new follower commenting on occasion πŸ™‚

    • Hello there BeeBee, glad you enjoyed this post!
      I shall have a nosey around your blog to know what your story is… Take care! πŸ™‚

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