Tonight, there’s chicken roasting in the oven, because I persist in pretending to be an über-mum, and there’s Strictly Come Dancing on the telly, because while I still don’t get any of the French channels, I do BBC1 and 2.
Right now, a quintet of fit blokes are gyrating like it’s going out of fashion, making their serious muscle strain their seriously tight shirts… What better background to some profound thinking?
So, ahem… letting someone new into my life… Really?… No, really?
Why would I do that?
Erm, dunno… Maybe because the nights are getting cooler and I have no-one to warm my feet on? Because I’m short and it was kind of neat to have someone tall around to get stuff from the top shelf? Because there is no greater feeling than to love deeply and passionately. Because sharing them makes the tough times less tough, and the good times taste better. Because feeling appreciated for who I am and what I do gives meaning to my life. Because bringing up children is definitely not a one person’s job. Because I want to feel beautiful again, because life is short. Because, because…
All right, you get the picture. So when then?! Who? How? How much? Where?
Wow, wow, wow, easy now…
As a matter of fact, a year ago, I was planning Baby Nr3 with T. About a week from today, he met The New Ms T. Two weeks later, I came back from the UK all happy from celebrating my birthday with great friends, and alarm bells started ringing, as I realised something was really wrong. Add another four weeks, a miserable Christmas, the worst New Year ever, and our future abruptly became the past.
Right now, the past is very much crowding my present, there are so many anniversaries and firsts to get through, so much pain still left untouched…
The truth is even if I am beginning to seriously want to, I am not ready to let someone new into my life. Being ready takes a funny balance between grief and the life which goes on regardless, between the powerful need to feel loved, and the powerful fears of failing and being hurt again.
For me, right now, being a chicken wins, fear rules, even if it makes for a pretty lonely chicken. But maybe, hopefully, once the Earth has completed its yearly wander around the Sun and 2012 comes, I will find the Release button.
Meanwhile, woops, I’d better check on the real chicken, make sure it does not get to the charcoal stage this time!
Anyway, what about you then: What do you think are the best things about being a relationship?
Westlife – flying without wings (warning: Don’t expect anything musically worthy, it’s just that the depth of their thoughts sort of rivals mine)