Profound thoughts

It has been a moody sort of day, the mountains have been brooding in the clouds, and being indoors felt cosy.

Tonight, there’s chicken roasting in the oven, because I persist in pretending to be an รผber-mum, and there’s Strictly Come Dancing on the telly, because while I still don’t get any of the French channels, I do BBC1 and 2.

Right now, a quintet of fit blokes are gyrating like it’s going out of fashion, making their serious muscle strain their seriously tight shirts… What better background to some profound thinking?

So, ahem… letting someone new into my life… Really?… No, really?

Why would I do that?

Erm, dunno… Maybe because the nights are getting cooler and I have no-one to warm my feet on? Because I’m short and it was kind of neat to have someone tall around to get stuff from the top shelf? Because there is no greater feeling than to love deeply and passionately. Because sharing them makes the tough times less tough, and the good times taste better. Because feeling appreciated for who I am and what I do gives meaning to my life. Because bringing up children is definitely not a one person’s job. Because I want to feel beautiful again, because life is short. Because, because…

All right, you get the picture. So when then?! Who? How? How much? Where?

Wow, wow, wow, easy now…

As a matter of fact, a year ago, I was planning Baby Nr3 with T. About a week from today, he met The New Ms T. Two weeks later, I came back from the UK all happy from celebrating my birthday with great friends, and alarm bells started ringing, as I realised something was really wrong. Add another four weeks, a miserable Christmas, the worst New Year ever, and our future abruptly became the past.

Right now, the past is very much crowding my present, there are so many anniversaries and firsts to get through, so much pain still left untouched…

The truth is even if I am beginning to seriously want to, I am not ready to let someone new into my life. Being ready takes a funny balance between grief and the life which goes on regardless, between the powerful need to feel loved, and the powerful fears of failing and being hurt again.

For me, right now, being a chicken wins, fear rules, even if it makes for a pretty lonely chicken. But maybe, hopefully, once the Earth has completed its yearly wander around the Sun and 2012 comes, I will find the Release button.

Meanwhile, woops, I’d better check on the real chicken, make sure it does not get to the charcoal stage this time!

Anyway, what about you then: What do you think are the best things about being a relationship?

Westlife – flying without wings (warning: Don’t expect anything musically worthy, it’s just that the depth of their thoughts sort of rivals mine)


19 thoughts on “Profound thoughts

  1. I think the best things about a relationship are the day-to-day sharing of the mundane, the intimacy of having a partner with which to share and plan, and the unexplainable comfort that comes from being loved.

  2. I adore your Profound Thoughts , Lady E.

    I hope you can keep your feet warm w/ out a man for now!

    Sending you love from America :))

    I made roasted chicken tonight, Too !

    • Last night was definitely a chicken night, I think Caroline also had some!
      Yes, I can keep my feet warm with some cosy socks, but it’s just not the same, is it?
      Thanks for the American love anyway, it also helps keep warm xx

  3. The first anniversaries after a marriage or relationship ends for whatever reason, are the worst. Warm thought are winging to you from our corner of the world. Remember – ‘this too will pass’ and I promise it will.
    Only you will know when you are ready to enter into another relationship. Until then, enjoy your own company and the children. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thank you for your words of comfort Judith, they mean a lot. And yes, I try to cling on to the fact that this will pass too, and to enjoy the children. I am entirely biased of course, but I have made two amazing people…

  4. Clearly a night for chicken! Mine was only a one-person’s fillet!

    Am I ready to let someone new into my life. To be frank I don’t know! I’m about to stagger through the 3rd set of anniversaries since my marriage meltdown but actually only the first set since he categorically decided his future didn’t lie with me. (in any shape or form!).

    You are so right SD sharing the mundane makes the mundane so much more fun. And yes the unexplainable comfort from being loved

    So I hope you had a lovely chicken supper and one day soon you’ll know when you want to share the drumsticks and, presumably the ‘rest of the bird’


  5. You are making chicken for your children, that IS being an uber-mum.

    Anniversaries are the worst time, as they bring memories that we sometimes do not want to reappear. Strange though, how we are made to only remember the good times, not the bad times, the sad times and the downright bloody crap times.

    I think we all need a period of being alone after a failed relationship. Time to just come back to who we are, be alone, even if it is lonely. There can be an urge to rush straight into another relationship, for the warm feet, for the comfort of another person being there, but, for me, that would be the wrong thing to do. Reflection time is a necessity, for how long is completely down to how quickly we can feel ‘healed’ how fast the protective covering grows back over the ripped emotions.

    Get a hot water bottle or an electric blanket for the feet, a long handled grabber for the shelves, eat chicken, drink wine and reflect and ponder until the pain no longer penetrates as far as it does now. Then look for a muscular foot warmer with long arms.

    I made vegetarian pizza and ate the lot by myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks Katie, I think you’re right, memory is a funny, unreliable thing and we tend to remember the good bits more than the bad, which is good otherwise most people would only have one child for example ๐Ÿ˜‰
      but not so helpful when you’re trying to detach yourself from someone you’ve loved.

      I know I have to wait before I can be ready, but maybe I am impatient, I want to be happy again, I have had enough of misery…And of course I want to show him. Ha!

      Wow, that pizza must have been good! I love home-made pizza…Can I come round next time you make one ;)?

  6. Your thoughts are profound indeed. Every time I read about a marriage that ends as abruptly as yours (and mine) did, I’m shocked all over again.

    I agree with Judith that you’ll know when you’re ready. And you’ll do it for all the right reasons.

    • Thanks Pat. I am still shocked to deep inside.
      Something has been nagging at me for a while: Do you think D is happy with his OW? How come they’re still together?

      And another question for you (sorry, this is starting to sound like the Spanish inquisition), are you ready to meet someone new?

      • Do I think D is happy? No, in a word. Maybe he really loves her. I don’t know. I do know that she’s about all he has left. He’s lost everything. Even his dearly beloved Harley Davidsons (2 of them) were picked up by authorities a couple of weeks ago to pay off debts to an attorney he hired and then wasn’t able to pay. I didn’t even know that could be done. The irony here is that she rode his Harley with him and that was one of the ways in which they connected, or so I’m told. I must say I get no pleasure out of his misfortune. I think I really am through it and over it and the need for revenge is no longer with me.

        And your last question–BTW, you can ask as many as you like–am I ready to meet someone? I’m probably as ready as I’ll ever be. The question for me is “Do I want to?” I’m having a really great time not having to answer to another person. I get lonely sometimes but not nearly as much as I did even six months ago. I think it has a great deal to do with my age. If I were your age I know I would be looking and desperately wanting someone in my life. And even now I miss sex and cuddling and having a companion for dinner out. (Hope that’s not too much info.) ๐Ÿ™‚ If someone came along I wouldn’t slam the door but I would probably be a little cautious.

        I’m glad you asked the questions. It was good for me to sort through and write it down. Probably should have sent an email, though.

        Take care.

  7. There’s one very poignant verse in this song:

    So, impossible as it may seem
    You’ve got to fight for every dream
    โ€˜Cause who’s to know which one you let go
    Would have made you complete

    And that’s the verse I would like to ‘ram’ down Alex’s throat!!! Because – much as I hate to admit it (!) I still feel we had a dream worth fighting for!!

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