+30% extra misery free

A Sweet Chestnut Castanea sativa cupule, split...

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Have you ever experienced the interesting added boon of misery which comes from being the only miserable one in a crowd of happy people?

Last Saturday, I came across yet another kind of hurt on this particularly cheerful journey through heartbreak, when my children came back all happy from spending 24h with T and The New Ms T.

Everyone was visibly relaxed and happy (good), my son pronounced the New Ms T nice (good), and said he’d had a good time (very good given the very up and down nature of his relationship with T over the last six months).ย  All is great then, so why does it make me feel so miserable?

And I practically gagged when my son casually mentioned that he played with his Bakugans while T and the New Ms T took a nap together. It made me want to scream : “This is what we did! She has taken my place! They are playing families with my family!”.

This new turn of events hurts in ways I find hard to describe (she says after crossing out various attempts including mentions of out-of-this-world, dentist-drill with no anaesthetics and Abba’s greatest hits on a loop). It makes my eyes close, my chest cave in, my heart crumble.

A year ago exactly, I remember a walk we took in the woods, the four of us together picking chestnuts and kicking leaves. I remember wondering about what to cook for dinner and chatting with T about a friend of his, work, and needing to service the car. And now this?


17 thoughts on “+30% extra misery free

  1. That sucks. I’m glad the kids are happy, and so are you, I’m sure, but to see some other women taking your place so easily. My heart goes out to you. You are being brave , resourceful and doing such a great job of rebuilding your life. I suppose setbacks are inevitable, and learning to live with the new reality is not easy but you show so much character that I am always full of hope for your long term future

    • Thank you for your kind words counting ducks. At times like these, I do feel at the end of my resources…It is just so soon, and so shocking still.
      But I am determined to get through it. Having two kids, I guess I have no choice anyway. x

  2. I’ve ticked like but that’s not what I meant! I mean I am 100 million % with you.

    It took me ages to cope when amongst happy couples – in fact I bolted. I turned bolting into an art form. I even walked out of dinner parties as I just couldn’t carry on with the false smile glued to my face.

    The indescribable pain of being One, instead of Two.

    The crushing knowledge of him being with her and not me.

    BTW I like the dentist drill and no anesthetics as a concept – I feel you could market that!


    I think I’m in need of an LC session as I’ve been wobbling rather recently. Something my blog is not actually reflecting. Hope your LC sessions are going OK

    • Dear Caroline,
      I knew you’d understand. For me, this acute pain comes from the situation which pushes the buttons of my childhood belief that I was not enough, and that is why I was “replaced”.
      Very hard to unlearn…
      LC is helping, thank you, and what a relief.
      Hope you manage to feel more centered soon!

      • I’m learning that I am special! Finally! Also battling against my belief (from god knows where) that I am unlovable. Like you LC is helping!

    • Wow, yes, your post really hit the nail on the head, regardless of who decided to break the initial family, I think this sort of situation pushes the buttons of our deepest insecurities.
      Thank you for the support x
      PS. Love your writing

  3. Painful…absolutely painful. Interesting timing, as I just spent an entire weekend listening to my son talk about ______, who WAS my exes boss until recently. Like a knife in the chest every time he said that name.I am sure everyone has says keep your chin up, so I won’t beat that dead horse. Just know… it has to get better.

    • You’re right, there is something exquisitely painful in not only having been dumped, but feeling like you have been replaced in your ex’s heart, and in your role as half a parenting couple.
      Interesting timing indeed though, and welcome to the blog!

  4. I remember when my daughter’s dad got married. I was happy for him but you wonder if things had been different what could be now in the present. We mourn things it seems moreso when we haven’t found anyone and honestly even then when his ex got married he had misgivings and was sullen all day. I let him be because I understood that it was a big part of his life and she was moving on. Even though, I was there already.

    I was sad however not because I couldn’t have him, but because I hadn’t found yet what I was looking for. I don’t know your situation or why you guys are no longer together. However what I can say to you is that these little things are going to come up and blind side you from time to time and it may suck at the time but you’re going to be absolutely Okay. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Hey there Mystery Coach,
      I think you’re right, all these landmark moments, dates, firsts etc, hurt and blind us a particular way.
      In my case though, breaking my family was not my decision in the first place, which I guess adds an extra layer of pain seeing him play happy families with my replacement.
      You’re right though, somewhere down the line, I’ll be ok, don’t think you ever completely heal from this sort of experience, but I’ll have learnt to live with it and not let it prevent form being happy.

      • Sure, I remember when he came up (my ex) to tell me he was getting married. I had mixed feelings about it but I was happy for him. I remember wishing things could have been differently too. My situation was different, I left due to irreconcilable differences, which are very lengthy.

        I understand what you’re saying however no one can ever replace you. You are you, I understand what you’re saying however you are not replaceable. For saying so’s sake, there “may” come a time when they talk up the new person in his life, she also “cannot” replace you. YOU are their Mom… no matter if they have a good time with her or not, you are their mom and you’re never replaceable.

        The good thing about my daughter’s step mother is she is very good to my daughter, my daughter really likes her and I am very glad about that. Just something that popped into my head. Forgive me if it may be premature. ๐Ÿ™‚

        You will heal and you “will” feel better in time. Now sucks I completely empathize with you.

        • I have no doubt that eventually things will even out. As you said not only are our situations very different, and it’s also fairly early on. Glad to see you’re doing well though.

  5. There is no justice. I have been right where you are except in my case it was grown-up daughters and grandchildren that my ex and his OW were wooing and buying things for. I know I should have been grateful for his attempts to stay connected with the family even though all three of the daughters are his stepchildren. It all just seemed like a facade, a sham because he had erased me as if I never existed, just as T is trying to do to you. My heart breaks for you.

    • Yes, I know you’ve been there and can understand… Even though part of me knows I cannot be erased or truly replaced, it touches on such deep insecurities that I find it very hard to keep an adult head on when confronted with this situation.
      Thank you for your unwavering support Pat. Means a lot.

  6. Lady E….All I can say is that I understand. I can feel this hurt in your post. I can sense the internal struggle too…wanting the kids to be ok with it so that this does not affect them, or at least minimizes that effect….yet not wanting it to be with “them”. Feeling like you want T and your kids to be ok with each other…and probably the 5 year old in you wants them to rebel against him.
    It seems so unjust that the “happy family” seems to be unscathed. As a parent you want to protect the kids and have the best for them, as the “scorned” you want them to not accept this as ok.

    Feeling like you have been replaced. when only a short time ago you were all together, making different plans…
    Damn…I know.

    These are the themes that run through this situation. They all have the same script. They all have the same justifications. They all say the same things….
    I know that J says about me as he shoots me the sardonic smile of contempt… “I’m just trying to be friendly to him (me)…and I have an open heart and open hand to work with him. He is just being unreasonable…and if he ever really loved X, he should be happy for her that we are happy together”

    My consolation is that I know what her family thinks about him…so even though he may physically be in my place, he will never be considered family with them.

    It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it’s something.

    Thoughts are with you 1/3 way across the world.

    Peace to you

    • You’re absolutely right LFBA, there’s a struggle inside me between an adult me, who as a mother is pleased my children have accepted the situation and no longer hurt too much from it, and then there’s a child-me who feels deeply insecure and sees the situation as a confirmation of the fact that I was not good enough, that I am unlovable, that I was always going to be abandoned and that the New Ms T is somehow a better partner than I was. Totally crazy I know, but not deep inside yet.
      Thank you for “being” there 1/3 way across the world! x

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