The rain beats down on the skylights, and the music plays:

It is a mellow Saturday, enormous clouds furl and unfurl endlessly along the mountain sides. Autumn has finally beaten Summer into submission, the first hints of golds and reds have touched the trees, and I have regretfully packed our sandals away until next Spring.

There is something oddly comforting about just being here, listening to the rain tapping away, letting the time pass slowly…

I am going around my new home, working out where to hang picture frames, and moving furniture around, while the children are playing some interesting game involving hurling themselves at one of the living room’s walls (don’t ask. I just look away).

It feels increasingly like home here, as new routines are created, and life is slowing down.

T has been on holiday and out of touch for a couple of weeks, and I hadn’t realised until now just what a relief it’s been to not to have him flaunting his good looks and romantic bliss in my face several times a week.

Now he’s back, and I’m going to have to see him on Skype talking to the children, and in the flesh on a weekly basis. It is like having one of these annoying little stones stuck in your shoe, but being unable to shake it off.


14 thoughts on “Autumn

  1. You sound settled and more at peace – I hope so. To see T in that light is healthy indeed.

    Well done.

    Enjoy your autumn and the wonderful colours


  2. Re: “…the children are playing some interesting game involving hurling themselves at one of the living room’s walls ”

    Are you sure the kids aren’t trying to break out? You might want to count them when you have a few moments. 🙂

    For your kids and their chat on Skype, can you get creative? Maybe some poster on the wall, in the background of the webcam. Something that you hang up there when he’s going to talk to them. Something that denigrates men who are cowards / run away / give up. A little petty sure, but he’ll never comment on it.

    These new routines, these decisions you are making about your new house, these are all cementing your recovery in place as you build this new life in this new home.

    You’re getting closer and closer to being ‘normal’ … bring on 2012!

    Cheers, SD xx.

    • I like your idea of a derogatory poster about run-away men in the background!
      Yes, the new house plays a central part in my recovery but I have been feeling quite brittle for the last couple of days. Lonely, to be more specific. I miss my old friends from the UK, people I’d feel comfortable enough with to just pop over for a cup of tea and a rant so I can get things off my chest. Bizarrely, I really miss T’s friendship too. I guess our partnership included a deep friendship too.
      Not in such a rush to get to get to 2012, because I’m going to have to plough through all the first anniversaries of when our relationship started disintegrating, our daughter’s b’day, my first xmas without her… Not looking forward to all that…x

      • Gosh…I know that feeling. Giving up the friendship part of it. Even worse for me is wondering how real that part was now that all the rest has transpired.
        Those first anniversaries are tough. You’ll get through. And you can always rant to me on this forum, via email or even by phone. Sorry….a face to face rant is not economically feasible at the moment. We’ll have to wait 5 years for that.

        • V kind of you to offer LFBA, and thankfully, yes, I do rant over the internet, but it’s just not the same as taking the kids to the park and ranting while we sprawl on the grass and pick at chocolate biscuits 😉 !
          PS. Surely, we must be getting closer to 4 and a half years by now?!

  3. You sound sane and healthy. Probably the result of not having to see T. Your attitude is good. You’re moving along and settling in. Good for you!

  4. Now the house is beginning to feel like home, life is most certainly moving on. Remember it’s T’s loss. He doesn’t get to see the children often as you. BTW I am glad you picked them up out of the very large bin!
    And thanks for the music. Just lovely. Did you tell us what it is?

    • Mmm, I could have put them back into the bin yesterday too, they really drove me up the walls ;)!
      The music is called Soy Marco by composer Alberto Iglesias. It is in the soundtrack of a great film called Talk to her. Well worth watching. x

    • Thanks LFBA, I try to keep moving forward, but of course there are some steps back…Oh well, I guess it’s part of the fun.
      Look after yourself! x

    • I know, seeing him is torture and his calls are real intrusion into our home life as they usually come around meal or bath time. There are no ways around it, this is when the children are at home and awake.
      As for your suggestion, I have thought about it of course, but for practical reasons, the family computer is in our living/dining room.
      Nevermind, I hope I eventually get used to it, or he gets bored and calls less often…x

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