Laundry day

It is Sunday and the whole neighbourhood is hanging laundry out to dry in the warm morning sunshine. My own laundry is flapping gently on the balcony, as I look at the view which will no longer be mine.

Six days away from moving homes, my emotions are all over the place. I feel lonely and overwhelmed in the midst of a growing forest of boxes, frustrated by my children’s relentless calls for attention, restless and sad.

Two years ago, I was packing to move into this flat, now I am packing to leave it. So many hopes have been crushed in such a short time, and both times seem to be colliding, the raw emotions, the sense of loss, missing my UK friends terribly. Everything is still so new here, single motherhood, my job, friendships, heartbreak…

Life has moved on too fast, I uselessly wish I could erase and rewind.


30 thoughts on “Laundry day

  1. Oh hugs, hugs and lots of hugs. I hope your LC is reading this and is giving you support. If not email him.

    If I could wing my way over to help you I would.

    It will get better. It does get better. In 6 days time you will be taking a step, I know a step you wish you weren’t taking but the steps do help. I promise!

    Lots of hugs.


    • Dear Caroline,
      Thank you for the support. I feel uncomfortable emailing the LC on a Sunday, but I may take your advice anyway…
      Actually, I am happy to be moving to a nicer house, and somewhere that will be mine again. But emotions are mixed: This is a step T and I were supposed to take together, it represents another step in letting go of the past, the amount of responsibility and things resting on my shoulders can also feel crushing at times. I’m sure that having been there yourself, you can see what I mean.
      Anyway, thanks again, means a lot xx

  2. As Caroline says I wish I could provide you with more solace and support in this difficult and unsettling period. The only thing of comfort , as you know is, that you are moving through it and when you are in your new place you may be better able to build new fresher experiences as part of the move to a happier and positive future. In the meantime my thoughts are with you.

    • Dear Counting ducks, thanks also for the virtual support, and you’ve summed things up quite aptly: I really feel unsettled right now. I’m not very good with change generally I think…
      Anyway, yes, you’re right, in the grand scheme of things, I am moving to a nicer place I can really make my and the children’s home, and this will be a great, fresh start. I am looking forward to it too.

  3. Moving is never easy even with the support of husband/lover whatever. But looking to the future you will make this new home really yours and it will be a safe and secure place for you to raise your children.
    From the other side of the world, I am thinking ofyou and sending good wishes. 🙂

    • Dear Judith, thank you for your good wishes & on a lighter note, well done in yesterday’s rugby match. I heard that France got a sound beating from the All Blacks! 🙂

      • SD, I tried to email you and ask for your new blog address… never heard anything. 😦 Hope I haven’t done something to offend.

        (Sorry, Lady E, to use your comment section to convey this message, but I’m thinking you’ll be okay with it.)

        • Hi TPG,

          I’m sure E will be fine.

          In 6 months of blogging about all kinds of sensitive things, I’ve only been offended twice, neither of which I understand to this day. You’re not on my Puzzled List!

          My new URL is:

          Sorry, but I checked and, for some reason, I can’t find an email from you. 😦 I got a lot of emails (I had no idea so many people read without a subscription until I found out the RSS feeds). Naturally, I couldn’t post the new URL on my old page!!

          (Thanks for hosting this conversation E!)

  4. It’s amazing how quickly our lives turn in directions we did not plan.
    There are the unexpected and no-fault changes that happen to everyone…and these we cope with well.
    Then there are those fraught with disappointment, broken promises and the loss of shared futures.
    These are hard…so hard to reconcile internally.
    It is a step as Caroline says. It is a step forward…which is the positive choice you have made. You are moving into your future. It is painful and sad and I can feel your turmoil in the writing.
    In 5 years we will look back and remember without the pain.
    Please be kind to yourself now. Grieve as you must…it is healthy.
    Thoughts are with you.
    Peace to you

  5. Lady E, I think all of us who have taken the step you’re about to take have felt similarly… you describe it so perfectly… the irritation, the restlessness, the sadness… I remember writing in my journal at the time that it felt like I was wearing an itchy wool blanket that I couldn’t take off and I couldn’t relax in.

    The decision to leave was mine, but the grief at the lost dreams and shattered relationship and shredded love was still there. Relief will come, as you know it will.

    Someone who had been divorced many years earlier told me once, when I was still in the throes of my heartbreak, that one day I would walk out into the sunshine and once again notice how warm it felt on my face and suddenly realize that I was actually okay again, that hope had returned, and my heart was light again, and my life was again moving forward. When he said that, I sincerely couldn’t imagine it, but of course it was true. I still remember the day that it happened for me. It will happen for you, too. That day is ahead of you. I promise. Hang in there.

    xo, TPG

    • Dear TPG, your words nail it down completely: I am pleased to be moving to somewhere nicer, that I have chosen and will be all mine, and at the same time all the negative emotions associated with grief threaten to keel me over. It feels itchy, uncomfortable…
      I look forward to being out of the shadows for good and enjoying the sunshine.
      Meanwhile, thank you so much for your support x

  6. You poor thing. Dad is coming over tomorrow to scope out what needs to be done to prepare the house for sale and I have a ton of moving boxes in my bedroom. It is sad.

    Fuck him for doing this.

    • Good luck with your packing…Funnily enough, my dad is also coming this weekend to help with the move! At least we can rely on some men in our lives…

  7. The packing up bit is tough because it’s about untangling something. Once you move you will hopefully be able to focus on the positive and much more rewarding part of creating your new home. This gives you the opportunity to nest and make it yours. Despite the pressure, stress and sadness I found I loved this bit more than I thought I would. I wish you well. So keep your eyes focussed on the nesting bit!


  8. Hey Jacqueline, you’re right, I am looking forward to creating our new home…I try to focus on it but get so overwhelmed at times, it’s like I can no longer hang on to whatever I’m hanging on to, and get washed out in a sea of negative emotions.
    Anyway, thank you for your kind words, it’s good to know you came through this…

  9. I remember so well packing up and moving away from my dream house in the mountains and on to another life–one I didn’t want. I resented the fact that D had moved on with his ow and left me to go through EVERYTHING alone. He should have been there helping me but he was too damn chicken to face me in that way at that time. (I guess I’m still a little angry sometimes, huh?) OK, that said, I really want to say to you that I feel deeply for you and what you’re left to see to. It isn’t fair and our exes don’t seem to know that or to care. You are doing well and this is a big hurdle that you will soon have behind you. Hang on.

    • Hey Pat, too right that you should be angry against D!
      In my case, things are a bit different as T had picked the flat we lived in, and while it wasn’t bad, it may not have been my first choice…At least this time, I have picked my house, which is nicer than the flat and is all mine. So while the packing and moving is a big hurdle, it’s all for a good cause I guess 🙂
      Thank you for the unwavering support ! x

  10. “Onward ever backward never” as my old Nan used to say.

    This UK friend is with you in spirit and also surrounded by boxes!

    The new house is beautiful and exactly what the doctor ordered! (Not T though!). This run up is the hardest bit, keep your eye on the weekend and breathe in and out all day. Will email soon.

    Huge love


    P.s some of your other readers may have said the same, didn’t have time to read through comments – sorry! 😦

    • Your nan was right, of course…But in reality, it’s hard to hurtle yourself forward at great speed without looking into the rear view mirror.
      Good luck with your own exciting “new” house!
      Miss you loads xx

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