Boxed up

I guess the Autumn must have had enough of seeing people prancing around in shorts and t-shirts, acting as though it had been cancelled this year: The rain keeps coming down relentlessly, dusting mountain tops with snow, and sending a hard-to-ignore chill down our way.

North of the Alps, the Germans must have breathed a sigh of relief last Friday, as I boarded the plane taking me back to France after a week of hearing me laboriously murder their language.

I came home to excited children, who bordered on hysterical once they’d wolfed down their most traditional souvenirs from Germany (ahem…packets of M&Ms).

Meanwhile, my own hysteria and list of things to do keep simultaneously growing as our house move looms only 11 days away (Ghaaa!). The big boxing-up of our lives has started, and with it the inevitable unearthing of memories.

Much like forgotten Spring bulbs dug out ofย  a weedy flower bed, they keep catching me by surprise: Some morphine T kept just-in-case (just in case someone spontaneously decided to have open heart surgery in our kitchen, I wonder?), a little note he left one morning before going off to work while the rest of us were still asleep, an infestation of shopping lists, the supermarket promotional leaflets he religiously studied on the loo, his running watch, forgotten chocolates at the back of a cupboard (I know, what a crime!)…

I guess it’s all part of the grieving process, and for once I can go about it in my own time. The past is still so eerily close…

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17 thoughts on “Boxed up

  1. This is the perfect “spring-clean” moment for you then! Out with the old, on with the new (perhaps a little box of memories stored somewhere so you can still remember if you want to…) A house move- both exciting and daunting….I hope it goes smoothly…are you moving far?? xx

    • I agree with Emma.

      This is tough, but it’s also a new beginning. It will be your house, your memories, and you are moving on, step by step. Going through my dad’s stuff back in Australia with my brother a few weeks ago was equally hard, but for completely different reasons of course.

      Endure the moments, the best is yet to come.

  2. Yes, I’m erring on the daunting side of things right now…But I am looking forward to it too, it’ll be good to settle somewhere new, somewhere mine and ready for a new chapter of our lives. At the same time, it’s another stage in the process of letting go, it’s a bit sad. And I keep being surprised by the speed of it all: It has really not been that long, things are still pretty raw under a fragile scab.
    We’re moving five minutes down the road, and we’ll have a spare room so do come and visit us! x

  3. It has all been very quick indeed and as I said before you are doing incredibly well- especially for the fact you had a previous disappointment with ur son. The reason I’m trying to coax you towards the “box it up” mentality is bcos from what Ive read ur partner appeared to move on v quickly and into his new life…in these situations it’s akin to ripping off a plaster…you either do it really slowly – painfully pulling out those attached hairs one by one – or just rip it off in one go- both equally painful methods and ultimately the same outcome but the pain in the latter method is shorter lived…I feel angry on your behalf at how uve been treated but bcos from what I ‘know’ of you- you are beautiful, intelligent and extremely capable I know life is going to lead you somewhere much more exciting and ultimately fulfilling….Enjoy the move….a change is as good as a holiday ๐Ÿ˜‰ xx

    • I see what you mean about ripping the plaster in one swift move, but I’m not ready yet…T has indeed moved on at the speed of light, and everything has been foisted upon me at a pace that wasn’t mine. I think I need my own time now, more than anything else. Can you speed grieving anyway?
      Thanks for being angry on my behalf, bizarrely it is something which really helps, letting others carry the anger for me in a way…And thanks for your compliments, you’ll have me blushing in a minute Emma ๐Ÿ˜‰ !
      I reckon I’ll enjoy the move once it’s over. For now, it’s all stress and sadness. I’m not very good with change anyway… xx

      • You are right to take it at your own pace – of course – that way you give urself enough time to adjust to each step…..we all have to listen to our own rhythm…xx

  4. Heavens. Moving is never easy , never mind all the rest of it. It;s ne of those “one step at a time” moments. I’m cheering you on because you will get there and this is just a difficult phase of the walk. This sounds a bit trite on reflection but is;nt meant to be so

    • You’re right counting ducks, I’m definitely trying for the deep breath and one thing at a time approach right now because if I start to think about how much there is to do and organise, about the fact that this is my second move in as many years and in such different circumstances, then I drown. Thanks for the cheering, I think it works a little ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. My thoughts are with you all the way through this. I moved 7 months ago and spent a large part of it with tears streaming down my face. Too many memories. The odd post it note written in haste, the random photo.

    A large part of my ‘memories’ are in store at the moment!!

    I wish you all the best.

    All I can say is that I felt a great deal better once I’d moved. It is the next step.

    Hugs – you’re doing brilliantly.

    Caroline
    xxx

    • Yup, this whole business seems to involve a sizable amount of crying. But you’re right, this is the next step, a step in the right direction, and deep down, I am grateful for it. I’ve been looking forward to making a home really mine again, and to having a little garden for two years, putting four walls around the children and me, our home…

      Thanks for the hugs x

  6. I remember moving without D’s assistance. He had moved his clothing and a few personal items out the year before. That left me to go through all his dresser drawers, etc., by myself. I remember calling him a lot of names during all that sorting. I kept thinking he should be there to help. He, too, had already moved in with his OW and I resented that.

    Good luck with your move. Cry, scream, stomp your feet–whatever you feel like. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you. xoxo

  7. My moving day was one of the most astonishingly painful days of my life. I was completely unprepared for some of the worst of it. I wrote about it here: http://thatprecariousgait.com/2011/03/08/two-years/ I feel certain that you are much better prepared and positioned to have a positive start to your next life.

    There are definitely moments in divorce that are truly surreal. For me, one of those moments was the first time I saw the draft of my divorce papers… seeing the detritus of my marriage laid out in the cold language of the law took my breath away and closed my throat. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for those moments of pure, clean grief. I’m sure that you are encountering many such moments as you pack up the life you shared. Just remember that many of us have come before and many more will come after. You are most definitely not alone. Hang in there.

    • Dear TPG, thank you for the link, your post made for an interesting read…I couldn’t help identifying with your husband though, as well as understanding what you were going through…I have been in a position not dissimilar to his, with my partner suddenly telling me I had been suffocating and dominating him, suddenly taking control of everything and telling me he was leaving. It felt so awful, I cannot help but feel for him too. Now, I know that apart from that our respective relationships were very different and I can tell that our paths through grief are similar in many ways.
      Thank you for the support, seeing you ahead on the path is a comfort in the tougher moments x

  8. As you know nothing lasts forever and that includes pain. Trust the process, I still get caught by surprise sometimes.

    • I know you’re many months ahead of me in this healing process, and it’s inspiring to see how well you’ve done. The pain still keeps surprising me, but I have to remind myself that 9 months on is still early days and overall, I’m on the right tracks.

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