So easy

The sun has lost some of its bite, and the days are getting shorter. This morning, 12 million French children squeezed into clean clothes, and kissed freedom good-bye, parents caught-up at the gates, everyone overcome by the nerves and joy that come with the start of something new.

For my family, this new school year is starting so very differently to the last, when there were two of us sharing the parenting pride and anxiety…

I have been feeling better lately, almost back to my slightly mad normal self, which has been nice. But in this quieter time, I have remembered that whatever I said about the difficulties T and I encountered, our life was also full of good times. He has taken what I see as poor decisions, and done what I see as pretty stupid things, but he could be a kind, funny, clever and loving man (why, of course, I have some taste!). And he probably still is all of these things in his new life (that bit really gets stuck in my throat though, I’m not the Dalaï blinkin’ Lama) …

I no longer feel angry (well, at least I haven’t been angry for a whole 7-8 minutes, woohoo!), but nostalgia grips me when I remember our life as a complete family. Trying to get back to sleep with a pillow over my head on a Sunday morning, whilst  T and my son tickle my feet (the so and sos…), and my daughter climbs all over the three of us, laughing as if we were the best fun-fair ride in the world. I no longer try to avoid the memories, or the sadness, because I think both are part of the recovery. I just try to keep them somewhere safe for our daughter who will have no memories at all.

As our move into the new house, and the start of a new chapter in our lives approaches, I take pictures of the flat where she lived as a baby, with her mum, dad and big brother: The concept will probably seem totally alien to her when she grows up… But I haven’t got time to dwell too much, because the frantic race has resumed, and my current worry is to get through each day without shouting too much at my children (ahem, I’d already failed at that by 8.10 this morning), forgetting something essential (such as sending back mortgage paperwork on time, or picking my son up from school). My objective is to somehow survive the next 7 weeks until the next holiday. I’ll conveniently ignore the fact that in the interval,  I’ll have to pack and unpack roughly 35m3 of stuff in my non-existent spare time: So easy…

Röyksopp – So easy:

 

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14 thoughts on “So easy

  1. Hi E,

    So very glad to hear you’re starting to emerge on the ‘other side’ of this and able to experience nostalgia without it overwhelming you. It’s a big step forward. You might take some steps backward from time to time, but remember you’re heading in the right direction and don’t be dissuaded by an occasional ‘oops’ along the way. Keep pressing forward, bit by bit…
    Cheers, SD xx

    • Hey SD, thanks for “being there” even in the most difficult of circumstances… The ‘oops’ moment didn’t wait long, I could not sleep last night as too much was going through my mind, too much to do, too much to remember, too much pressure for one person…
      Oh well, let’s hope I sleep better tonight. Thinking about you, x

  2. You are doing so well. I’m rooting for you like mad

    And i’m sure the packing will go OK – it’s surprising what one can do when one has to!

    Here’s to your new future.

    • Thanks for the rooting, Caroline! It’s good to read this, especially after a crap night due to stress, the wind has gone from my sail a bit, but I hope it’s just a momentary lapse. I just feel overwhelmed by all I have to do besides moving home. Activity is good but too many expectations inhibit me…

  3. Lady E. I am glad that you are blogging and putting your thoughts and feelings out there. When my husband died 13 years ago I didn’t know about blogs but I wrote a little book and that got me back on track.
    I have subscribed and shall follow you on your journey. 🙂

    • Thanks Judith, and welcome to the blog! I’ve just been round to reading your blog and I’m so impressed…Very inspiring….

  4. You sound great today, Lady E. I was thinking, as I read this post, how much I loved this time of year with my children as they started back to school. Children and their needs force us into a normalcy that we might not be able to have without them, especially when we’re going through tough life changes such as divorce and moving.

    I love the image you created for me of all four of you piled on the bed together. Sweet memories you can tell your little daughter about.

    • Hey Pat, you’re right, children keep us grounded, they force some degree of normalcy and they keep you busy. They are both a blessing and a burden though, because it’s also too hard at times to look after everyone and everything, too many demands on one person become almost paralysing. Wouldn’t trade them for the world though 😉

    • Hi counting ducks, getting better is not a straight forward journey, but overall, you’re right, I am getting better. It is a daily battle to force myself to be ok though…But I guess it is worth it. Thanks for being such an attentive reader!

  5. Hi E. It’s Emma T (can you work out who? I don’t have a log in) It is good to keep your memories safe- and it’s good to have those happy memories- however, try not to let your mind over-romanticise the “what was” (I know I was guilty of that when M and I split up way back when!). He let you down big time and is continuing to let you down. I think if someone who is supposed to love you, who you have a child with and with whom you share your most intimate moments lets you down like that, then they are not worth your tears or energy….What is important for you is to regain perspective- not always easy on the dark days- but focus on what you DO have- not what you don’t. I know, I know…easy to give advice – not so easy to take it. But, let me tell you, all my grumbles have paled into insignificance this summer when my very good friend told me she found out she has cancer of the liver. She is an otherwise healthy 40 yr old and this out of the blue and has turned her life/world upside down with complete uncertainty over what the future holds for her. It puts everything into perspective. Health is everything and if you have that it is a solid base on which you can build a happy, healthy life. Focus on staying healthy, happy and creating new and happy memories for you and your children. “He” doesn’t figure in the picture anymore- but it doesn’t make the picture any less special..You are doing a wonderful job- just concentrate on looking forward…xx

  6. Hey Emma,
    I know I have to focus on what I have, and that the three of us being healthy is a pretty good start for everything…
    I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, you’re right, it does put everything into perspective.
    On romanticising the past, maybe I am guilty of that one too, I don’t know…I do remember the crap times, but there were good ones too, and overall, the whole thing was worth it for me. I guess that’s all in the past anyway, but it’s still a part of my life, an important one at that. Part of me wants to cherish it, not idealise it, but cherish the good in it. Am I making sense? I apologise if I don’t, it’s late!!
    Good to hear from you, hope your babies are enjoying the new school year & take care xx

    • I think at this stage, with it only being 8 months since the break-up, it is too early to focus too much on the good stuff of ‘what was’ because it brings you down – do you know what I mean? Thinking about being a ‘conventional’ family will only bring you down bcos he’s not around now. Doesn’t mean to say there weren’t gd times and that they aren’t special but it is too hard to think about that when he is not on the scene. It doesn’t mean you have to walk around hating on him either bcos this is not healthy for you- but for now understanding that that chapter is closed and a new one is beginning. This is the best way forward. This is obviously said from an outsider’s viewpoint bcos clearly we can’t always be logical and rational as we are emotional creatures. Life takes some strange turns at times and we always have to be prepared for the unexpected and this is where retaining perspective of what is truly important really helps. Last month a 22yr old guy I knew from my gym died in a motorbike collision. He was heading off for the weekend down to Devon and never came back. This was really tough to process….here one minute, gone the next and I know his mum too and couldn’t quite imagine how on earth she coped with it…I’m not trying to be morbid telling you these stories about my friends but these things have really made me think about life and how fragile it is and how we need to treasure what we have…the time that we have…I think you are doing a wonderful job with your kids and this blog helping you to process your thoughts and feelings….Just try to keep that chin held high and focus on the exciting new chapter that’s opening up to you xx

  7. Oh Emma, what happened to that young guy is terrible!
    …And of course you’re right about treasuring what we have. In fact, you inspired today’s post.
    Thank you 😉

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