Jump around

Right, that’s it, enough of this feeling rubbish lark, I bloody well want to be happy. Right. Now.

It’s been eight months today. Eight months since, as most people reached out for the Alka Seltzer, and exchanged cheery Happy New Year wishes, my husband announced he was leaving.

I have undeniably come a long way since the darkness of the early days , but I cannot say I feel happy. Bad days still come and go, and the pain keeps flaring up, razor-sharp and destructive, triggered by tiny memories and big milestones, steamrolling my carefully crafted defenses as if they were mole hills.

So I’ve decided to gear up the fight against misery, and after careful consultation with my army chief of staff (also known as my son’s guinea pig),  the current strategy is a two-pronged attack to encircle the enemy (quick, someone sound the bugle!).

One battalion is headed by the counsellor I have been seeing for the last seven months, and involves a Hum-so-tell-me-about-your-childhood kind of approach. This made me realise that feeling unworthy and terrified of abandonment was not something actually related to T (what a shame, I cannot blame it all on him…), but something dating back to the days when I refused to go down the slide by myself at the park aged two, and people generally thought flarey jeans and sheepskin gilets were the height of fashion.

And so here I am, bulldozing away, trying to excavate what made me the way I am. Right, so that’s one end of the battle, understanding how I work and why I feel the way I do.  I guess the problem is that in the same way understanding the thermodynamics of a heat engine does not tell you how to keep yourself warm, beginning to understand what made me who I am doesn’t tell me how to feel better.

So inspired by fellow blogger Caroline’s journey, I started talking to a life coach, which involves a Jump-around-the-room-how-do-you-feel kind of approach, and does not really care if your brother traumatised you aged 7 by stealing the sweeties you’d preciously kept in your secret stash (all true, the rascal!), it just tries to break negative thought and behaviour patterns so that mechanically, you may start to feel better.

To be honest, the first time I jumped around (no really, I did), all I felt was faintly ridiculous and out of breath, but then again, that made me smile, the children loved it, and it was definitely better than feeling myself slide down the soapy slope down to misery.

So come on, what about you all divorce survivors, what did your back-to-life campaigns involve, what worked, what didn’t and why?

Yep, it’s got to be done, today’s song is the mythical Jump around by The House of Pain, c’mon everyone, get jumping…

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12 thoughts on “Jump around

  1. Yay, you!! I think the most important thing is that you’re trying something … anything … everything … to get right side up again and find your new foothold in this version of life you weren’t expecting. And I love that you’re taking two vastly different approaches with the therapist/coach you see–cover all your bases!

    I surrounded myself with girlfriends and family. I took trips (big if someone else was paying, small weekend drives to visit old friends if I was footing the bill). I started writing. I started a blog. I started soul-searching. I started, every day, trying to find things that were good, things I was happy about, things that were right … and started trying to dig out the lessons from the bad stuff. I navel-gazed and self-analyzed and self-actualized. And laughed and cried and drank a lot of red wine. And I hugged and kissed my kids. A lot.

    I’m not sure it matters *what* you do. Join a class, find a new hobby, get some therapy, locate a sounding board where you can vent. The fact that you WANT to be happy again and are willing to go DO something to try to attain that? That attitude of “Dammit, I have my life to live and I’d rather it be good than crappy”? That’s awesome.

    • Cheers Meredith, your comment made me realise you’re almost certainly right, what matters most is the will to be happy, to live on… and even to show “them”, for what it’s worth!
      Love the friends & wine stuff and can often be found practising that particular religion. Ooh, and I discovered my uncanny capacity for sometimes round-the-clock navel gazing: The whole episode seems to turn me into a totally self-absorbed creature at times. I guess it’s all part of the process…
      Take care!

      • I like Meredith’s ideas: classes, friends (sounding boards), hobbies, etc. These all seem like sound ways to distract your mind long enough for it to heal (because Time itself is a great healer).

        Jumping around…ummm…not so much. 🙂 Or, my girls, would say, “WTF???”

        I also like your own comment about “understanding how I work and why I feel the way I do” because if you understand ‘you’ then it helps you avoid repeating any past mistakes (this might drift into a what-you-need rather than what-you-want discussion).

        As I am *not* a trained counsellor, the rest of this may be completely wrong: Unless you have actual psychiatric problems (which I personally think you do not), then understanding/resolving your childhood issues may be overkill (although they’re a boon for your counsellor’s bank account). Focusing on what has *worked* for you in past relationships may be better than re-living the things from long ago that did not. I make this last comment because my mother and father, who are in my mind at the moment, had such bad childhoods that you’d think they wouldn’t ever succeed in relationships. Together they didn’t work at all. Yet both of them found ‘The One’ for them after they split up. They simply needed to find the person that worked well for them, that was compatible. Could it be that simple for you too?

        • Hey there,
          Mmm, really not sure about the “simply needing to find the person that worked well for them” statement.

          I strongly feel that I can benefit from sorting out a few things in my mind, and from knowing myself better, childhood stuff is the basis for all of this.

          Different people deal with things differenty, and at the end of the day, Meredith comment was right, what you do to get better is not as important as actually wanting to get better and doing something about it.

          May you find your own ways of coping with your grief. Meanwhile, hugs to you. xoxo

  2. Whenever I read your posts, which is whenever you write them, I am always reminded that a sharpe intelligence is no proof against silent misery. The bomb that went off in your life has left you many scars, but slowly, as I read your posts, I find a greater perspective in your words. However its done or why, the healing process is there for all to see, and I am sure you will make sense of it, and build a new life built on what you found. Your courage and your character stand out for all to see

    • Gordon Bennett, you’ll have me blushing counting ducks! I’ve got to say I don’t always feel brave and have done and said some pretty stupid things along the way too, but hey, thank you for the compliments
      Perhaps being as thick as a thick plank is a good armour against misery even?
      Take care

  3. I doesn’t sound like you need advice, your not just thinking about it you’re getting on and doing it and that, as they say, is the secret. Onwards and upwards.

    Jacqueline

    • Actually, I loved your misery-box advice yesterday! It’s really nice to see you’ve come out of the divorce episode entirely, and are now re-married and very happy. Gives me hope…

  4. Well it’s my turn to blush. I’m so glad my blog has inspired you and I wish you all the luck in the world. As my blog lists all the things I found that Do Help and Those that Don’t then I can’t really add!

    All I can say is I love your positive attitude and determination to get through it all. And you will succeed

    We all will!!

    xxx

  5. Hello Lady E,
    You left a comment on my blog a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to thank you for stopping by. You mentioned that I have been through so much in my short life, and I have. But I have never been through a divorce and will not act like I know how much that tears you apart. All I can do is try to relate with my own pain and struggles. I agree that I may have more of a grasp on pain an suffering that most people my age, but I still don’t understand it. i don’t understand why we get torn apart only to reform ourselves. Why do these bad things happen? And why do my problems get dragged out for two years when people twice my age bounce back from their problems. I have done everything I can to make myself better and nothing is working.

    Bah! This comment is not about me. I wanted you to know that after reading some of your blog posts, I am going to pursue the other posts this weekend. I have found here a wonderfully tempered and centered woman who has pulled through one of the hardest and most life changing event one can go through, I can only imagine what it is like to see the man who you said for better or worse to walk out for the last time. The fact that you seem to be flourishing as a woman on her own speaks to your strength. In one post you comment on how you feel like you put on a facade of confidence. I don’t think it is as much of an allusion as you think. You are strong, you are resilient and you are a wonderful mother. Oh, and as you said to me, You will be a better person when this ordeal is a distant memory. You already are happier with yourself and if can only get better.

    Thanks so much for coming by my blog. It motivated me to seriously start writing another post… I seem to ‘draft’ so many, but so few end up published… I hate when I write posts that are circular. If I end right where I began seems like the post is pointless. So I don’t publish them.

    I am glad I found your blog. I look forward to curling up with a cup of tea and your blog soon.
    I hope this note finds you well and happy!
    Best,
    S.

    • Hello there,
      And welcome!
      I hope things are improving for you?
      I do find it funny that you would see me as flourishing when I see myself as all withered compared to say a year ago…But maybe you’re right!
      Hope your weekend is going ok :o)

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