The other night, I felt pretty down in the dumps after yet another run-in with T, but managed to forget all about it and laugh my head off watching Bridesmaids at the cinema. Go for it everyone, it’s a bit naff and predictable, but the actors are fantastic and the result is a couple of hours of pure, easy-on-the-brain, good time!
I also discovered the über-90s hit Hold-on, which is practically a philosophical treaty delivered by a trio of hilarioulsy-dressed minstrels.
Meanwhile, T is pressuring me to finalise the dissolution of our PACS (our divorce basically), and I am stalling like a donkey refusing to budge from the rail tracks.
I explained that I wasn’t ready yet, and offered to do it by December so that our administrative ties would be severed for the start of 2012, a year after he left. But he wants it done now and is metaphorically (but only just) jumping up and down in frustration, threatening me so that I will sign the bloody papers. The situation is highly comical in a way because we don’t even disagree on the outcome (getting divorced), but still manage to get locked into a power-struggle just to decide when it should happen.
Why? From my side, I am holding to this like I’m in the finals at the World Championship of Stubbornness, because supremely painful decisions have been forced down my throat at a ridiculously fast pace in the last eight months, and I really want to be part of this final one, period.
More than that, I wanted to turn this symbolically charged occasion into something positive (obviously a resounding success so far, given the aggro on both sides). I wanted to take a moment to thank him for all the great times we shared, the love he gave me, the richness he brought to my life. I really wanted us to be together to acknowledge the sadness that comes with this final admission that we failed. I wanted to wish him happiness, in the manner of the A-star student in Positive Thinking Bollocks that I am.
From his side, I don’t really know what’s going on, but he’s moving on at lightening speed with his new life and probably just wants any trace of our past to be wiped out, buried six feet under and forgotten forever and ever. I’m not sure, but my guess is that I’m not the only one hurting there…
Wilson Phillips – Hold on:
Laughing cow in France 
I haven’t got around to seeing Bridesmaids yet. Given the topic of your post, perhaps you should haven’t watched it right now either.. 🙂
It seems like you missed an opportunity to take control and ‘un-PACS’ him before he could do it to you. It’s very frustrating to have the initiative taken away like that.
My personal opinion, for what it’s worth, is that he doesn’t see the strength of the emotional bond that was there and so, for T, it’s a ‘nothing’ thing to dissolve the PACS. You see it differently but you can’t correct his impression. He’s blind to what was there…or he’s blinded himself to what was there; the latter being more likely.
You might as well squeal and stamp your feet for a while, let out a big sigh, then go ahead and sign everything. Remember to treat him to a beady eye and stony silence though, so he knows he’s made a mistake.
A few people have said the same thing about un-PACSing myself before he could do it, and you’re all probably right. But the fact remains that I wasn’t ready to take that particular step.
I am now though. Things have escalated over the last couple of days and I realised that at the end of the day I did not really care, that my daughter’s welfare was infinitely more important so I’m just going to sign the papers.
I’m not sure you’re right about him being blind to the emotional connection: On the contrary, I think that’s why he is so desperate to do it right now. That and probably some pressure from the New Ms T.
xxx
PACS Definitiions…..seems like a lot of these actually may be suitable.
and …I agree very much with Struggling Dad. Stony Silence….YEP!!!
Acronym Definition
PACS Picture Archiving and Communication System (DICOM)
PACS Physics and Astronomy Classification Scheme
PACS Physical Access Control System
PACS Pan American Climate Studies
PACS Patto Civile di Solidarietà (Italian: civil pact of solidarity; gay civil union)
PACS Personal Access Communications System (Bellcore, SSC)
PACS Poorest Areas Civil Society (India)
PACS PATRIOT Act Communication System
PACS Picture Archival Computer System
PACS Provisional Army of the Confederate States
PACS Pennyrile Allied Community Services (Hopkinsville, Kentucky)
PACS Partial Anterior Circulation Syndrome (medical)
PACS Phoenixville Area Community Services (Pennsylavnia)
PACS Post-Acute Care Services
PACS Programmable Armament Control Set
PACS Pacific Area Cataloging System
PACS Pathogen Asset Control System (US Defense Threat Reduction Agency)
PACS Programmable Armament Control System
PACS Personal Advanced Communications Systems
PACS Polar Acquisition and Command System
PACS Project Administration and Costing System (Sprint)
PACS Plotting & Combat Summary Display
PACS Procurement Authorities Control System
PACS Physical Access – Cleaning and Sanitizing
PACS Personal Alarm Call Service (Australia)
PACS Parental Account of Symptoms
PACS Pediatric Activity Card Sort (occupational therapy assessment tool)
Nice list LFBA:)! Funnily, the correct definition isn’t on there in my case it’s a Pacte Civil de Solidarite…
Not sure stony silence will do though, we’ve got to speak for our daughter’s sake. x
I had a feeling your definition was not on there. I was kind of hoping it was
PACS Pathogen Asset Control System. This one would seem to fit with your background. 😉
I’m still in the stony silence phase with X. But then, I’m still in shock too. I simply though can not in any way give the appearance that I condone J’s “intrusion” into my son’s life.
Hate is ugly…but I hate him.
The pathogen asset control system is definitely what I need to deal with him right now! 😉
I understand why you didn’t want to ‘un-PACS’ first. The key thing here is option A = status quo, option B = you take control, and option C = he takes control. You were ok with A & B, but maybe not with C…and he picked C.
Are there are any other formalities along the same lines? For example, if you have the same options above for a formal Custody Agreement, would option C be worse than B? It doesn’t sound like T is going to pick any option that works for you, so maybe you can take the path that does the least damage to you.
Actually, you might be right-on here…My fear levels have sky rocketed again because he has started to demand shared custody of our daughter. Now THAT is sobering, everything else pales into insignificance and I need to see a lawyer sharpish. Option B it is, even though I am totally unsure about what control I can have and I am plain scared.
If you choose option B for formal custody arrangements (you initiate proceedings) and feel worried and scared, don’t forget you’re only doing it because it’s better than getting a letter in the mail next week and discovering that he’s taken the initiative with this too.
I don’t know anything at all about proceedings for custody here, never mind in France, but *perhaps* the act of requesting custody demonstrates an interest. So, to minimize the impact of his voice in the discussion, taking control and starting the process yourself might add that strength to your own requests for a specific arrangement.
You might be right. My first step is going to be meet a family lawyer. Thanks for your perspective. x
I’ll make Bridesmaids a priority. I could use the distraction.
D and I had similar power struggles. He was, at first, in such an all-fired hurry when I was still reeling from the idea of being divorced. He and his lawyer tried to move up the date of the separation so the divorce could take place sooner. I refused to let them out of pure stubbornness. When the year was up and it was time to finalize, he wanted to stall and again I refused to let him. I think it was all about money at the end but I’m not sure.
I won’t elaborate here but his life isn’t working out so well now. He’s broke. The OW isn’t quite what he thought she was.
I’m sorry you’re having to suffer through this mess. I certainly understand your resistance to being pushed around. Hang in there.
Hey Pat,
It’s funny isn’t it, how pain makes us behave in stubborn, or even in my case ridiculous way…
D’s life isn’t any better without you, and I am absolutely convinced T’s life will go down the same way. I oscillate between feeling smug about it and feeling sorry for him.
Hope you like Bridesmaids!
x
rarely is the OW or OM what they thought. hooray!!!
Well, it’s true of anything I guess, reality is never as good as fantasy.
Well good for you. If you get something out of being stubborn whats the problem. He’s probably trying to rush so he does not have to dwell on the issues. I’ve no idea, as always you are eloquent, and , as always, I and many others on here want the best for you. So if you get pleasure from it do. If you change your mind: no big deal the other way
Actually, I have given in and accepted to sign the papers. Getting him aggravated is definitely not what I want right now and I would sign anything away pretty much. He has gotten the big gun out: Shared custody of our daughter, no custody of my son – and THAT prospect just chills me. I no longer know what’s best for me, but feel mightily threatened. Thanks for the virtual support…
Your too intelligent to offer advice to but I really wish you all the best with this. The calmer the head the better decision as you know. Good luck with everything
He is probably rushing things because of his new eghm eghm. You are not in a hurry, so if you can, don’t give him this. Unless he gives you something you want. If you can stall it, you are in power, you have something he wants.
I have given in actually. I just don’t want to aggravate him when we might be talking about our daughter’s custody and at the end of the day the PACS is nothing compared to that. I may be wrong, I just don’t know. I’m discovering a whole new side to him and don’t know how to handle it…
I think you’re absolutely right, she’s pushed me out of the way, then my son, now she needs her own PACS probably…Oh and did I mention that he’d “forgotten” to tell me he’s moved, and I am pretty certain he’s moved in with her. Mental. Anyway, what I cannot work out is how the whole wanting to have my daughter stay over every other week latest craze comes from. Why the hell would she want that?
Maybe it’s not her who wants your daughter, but T, and she – of course – has to support it. Be aware and very alert, he sounds like a kind of person who would stab you in the back.
I agree with SG … tread carefully.
Also as SG suggested, if there is a way to trade one thing for another to improve the custody arrangements (as that seems to be your higest priority), think carefully how to exploit that opportunity…
I think Surrey Gal has it right. D’s OW practically kissed ass with my grandchildren at first. Now she will hardly speak to them. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Golly, this is all scary, serious stuff. Thank you all for the advice and support. x
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I think he’s got a huge streak of GUILT and one great way to deal with that is to run like crazy.
I shall definitely look out for Bridesmaids – I so need a giggle!!
Thanks for dropping by to my blog.
Mmm, pretty sure you’re right about guilt making him run so that he can pretend our past never existed, therefore he never behaved the way he did, has nothing to feel bad about and lalala, all is well in the world of the Teletubbies.
Enjoy Bridesmaids!