Firstly, I hope Tim Minchin’s song puts a smile on your face:
On a more serious note, a couple of uncomfortable truths have been hovering on the edge of my consciousness lately. Such as the fact that perhaps, T’s decision to leave me cannot be judged.
I started exploring the possibility a couple of months ago, running a prudent finger on the fresh scar of our separation, then pain swept me up like an infection, enraging and blinding me, until the fragile peace of this last couple of weeks gave me a chance to have a go at being all
boring detached and rational again.
So ok, we could probably all agree that the effects of our separation were (still are) truly horrid for all involved (all reluctantly including T although on an altogether different log scale, let’s be clear), we may criticise the way he handled things (like a grizzly bear with two left paws doing work-experience in butchery), but really, who is to say he was wrong if leaving me was what felt right to him?
It comes down to two people wanting fundamentally opposite outcomes for one relationship, based on their own perceptions, value systems, and probably a million other mind-bogglingly complex reasons. The sort of complexity which means that nothing anyone could do or say would change either one of our minds on the matter. At least not for now. And the sort of complexity which means nothing is black and white, right or wrong (which is a shame, because I really like the idea that I’m right).
So all we’ve got left is the future, and us doing what is best for our daughter – when we’re not too busy playing war of the worlds by text messages that is. There is nothing I can do about the fact that he thinks life is better without me, or does not want my son to be part of the equation, and for things to work out, I have to suspend my judgment. Needless to say that while deep down I know these things to be true, they still make me gag.
Another truth which sticks down my throat is that one day, T and I will be far enough apart that we will wonder how we ever shared anything, let alone intimacy. This makes me horribly sad, and is a major reason why I find it so hard to let go, to stop keeping the memory of our love alive… I think part of it is a reaction against the fact that T is systematically devaluing what we shared, which hurts in ways I do not quite understand, and part of it is the pain I carry on behalf of the children, our daughter who was born out of this profound love, and my son who also believed in our family.
Thanks to Jo for the introducing me to the brilliant Tim Minchin