Fear and love

On Sunday, I  got up at 3.30am to drive to the airport and subsequently made it through the day in a stupefied daze. As I got nearer to home and to seeing T again, my guts tied themselves into some elaborate knots and the relentless nausea which has been my closest friend for the last 6.5 months returned. It is insane, but I am terrified of T. He has hurt me so much that I pretty much live in fear of the next time he strikes…

And he didn’t disappoint: One of my ex sisters in law reported that the New Ms T was officially introduced to T’s family this weekend. She was deemed very nice and welcomed with open-arms, which would explain why T was practically bouncing with joy… *Sick. Bag. Now.*

I know, I know, I should not let these things get to me, but the question is how? Because sadly, what with not being a Jedi knight, I am not geared with a triple strength Teflon-coated armour… So any suggestions?

After such a pleasant welcome home, getting back to work and into the whole kids-bills-meals routine felt very much like having to enter a swimming pool at 16°C. You try to pretend the water is at 36, not 16°C, you dip your feet very slowly, hold your stomach in and get onto tiptoes…Then you run late for the children’s drop off, have 63 urgent emails to respond to, and before you know it, you’re submerged, muscles seizing, struggling to catch your breath.

For a bit of extra cheer, the weather has decided it was late November, not July: This morning turned into a frantic trousers-hunt through our ravaged methodically-organised wardrobes, and it is snowing up in the mountains. Oh, and of course I was late again for the children’s drop-off, which earned me a nice bit of eye rolling from one of the play-scheme organisers.

In 62 hours and 23 minutes, we are off to a family & beach weekend by the Med (not that I’m counting, obviously).

Morcheeba  – Fear and love:


5 thoughts on “Fear and love

  1. Ouch. I can somewhat relate. the new Mr X is not liked by anyone in X’s family. But….she is loved by 2 of his daughters. They recognize their Dad is a shit, but still want to see him “happy” and think that X is great for him.

    Sometimes even more difficult for me, is knowing that J gets to sit at my table spot for (what used to be for me) family functions. Knowing that the family (except for X ) would rather have me there, is maddening.
    Unfortunately, if both J and I were there, the Sicilian in me would definitely make an appearance. 😉

    So…in regard to “I know, I know, I should not let these things get to me, but the question is how? Because sadly, what with not being a Jedi knight, I am not geared with a triple strength Teflon-coated armour… So any suggestions?”

    I’ll give you great advice and admit that I have trouble following it too.

    “The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.” ~William Shakespeare, Othello

    T was a thief. He stole from you. Steal it back with growth, and happiness and the love of your children.

    Peace to you.

  2. Oh thanks LFBA, I love the quote! And it is so true to be fair, although as you said, difficult to follow a lot of the time…I’ll just plaster that smile on :o)
    Tell us more about the nice lady in your life though,surely this helps take your mind off the rubbish? x

  3. I can totally relate to this. I’ve told A (my ex) that I don’t want to see him again. To which I got the response of “Oh I’d hoped we could be friends and amicable”.

    Well I don’t think I have any other friends who have treated me quite so badly!

    I’m hoping life will be easier not seeing or hearing from him as all it does is open the wounds.

    Good luck – and keep blogging – I find it helps no end.

    • Thanks Caroline!
      I wish I could just wipe my ex out of my life, but our daughter is still very small so we’ve permanently got things to organise and we see each other regularly because of custody hand-overs. They really don’t help, I have to say… You’re right though, blogging has already helped, and I want to carry on. Hope all is well with you…x

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