Today is a wet and miserable English Summer day, which serves as a good reminder of why I was so glad to be moving out to France two years ago, but isn’t enough to make up for the fact that I have to leave tomorrow. I’m not sure what happened but I blinked, and bang, it’s the end of our holiday: Tragedy!

This week felt like one of these heavy, metallic shutters had been pulled down on my life in France in the last 6 months, and everything had happened to someone else.

I felt slow, barely remembered what I had for breakfast (bacon, scrambled eggs and baked beans, mm…) and reckon at least 70% of my brain had been switched off to recover from recent overwork. Meanwhile, the rest of me split the time between sleeping, eating, and enjoying the company of friends and my children.

Alas, work gets in the way of life, and much as I would like to, I cannot remain holed up here for 6 months. In fact, the dread switch has been flicked on: I am going home tomorrow, and have already had a couple of nightmares involving seeing T, who seems to have been cast in the role of the Big Bad Wolf From My Childhood Dreams. Then comes the appeal of a life mostly revolving around struggling to keep my head out of the water, and wondering what to cook for dinner.

I very much feel like stamping my feet, rolling on the floor, screaming “I don’t wanna go baaaack”. At the very least, it would mystify my daughter, who recently started trying a bit of the Terrible Twos on for size.

Ready for a bit of irony?…

…Inna – The sun is up:


7 thoughts on “Dread

    • Golly, I’m not surprised you had a hard time driving in this rain! A bit of a consolation for you: I’m back home now, and it’s exactly the same weather…Hope your weekend goes well! x

    • I know, shocking isn’t it?…Still, enjoy the rest of your stay, good luck for the trip, and let’s meet up so I can hear all about your fabulous holiday! xx

  1. I’m sure you will cope better than you think. With recharged batteries and the support of so many friends, you arrive back in France with renewed energy and reserves.

    You solved the mystery of T’s departure and, despite the heartache that creates, it opens up the path to a more complete healing.

    You’re making good progress after so many tough and difficult months. You’re emerging from this stronger than you realized.

    Having said all that … I know precisely what you mean about how nice it would it be to substitute a 6-week or 6-month vacation for the recent week of freedom and fun. Life’s practicalities are a dreary drag on serenity sometimes!

    • Thanks for your words of encouragement Struggling Dad. I can only hope you’re right about coping better… One thing is sure, he has hurt me so much that I am jelly-terrified of T, and having to discuss practicalities with him/see him so regularly is torture. 😦

      • The person you once knew is now unknown. Wanting that old person back…to see you for who you are. To acknowledge the hurt that they caused. This is the maddening part for many of us. How can this person, to whom we were so close, now be this distant??
        AND…now being tied to that person through progeny, when all we want to do is run away from them or enact revenge (depending on the microsecond), seems so wrong.
        But, that is what we must now do.
        For me to get through this, I simply do not even try friendliness. I speak as minimally as possible and try to communicate as minimally as possible and then only about buisness. I learned that X will not even acknowledge that this last round was an affair, therefore she can believe that my actions now are mean.
        I know that one catches more flies with honey than vinegar….but frankly, I’m done with flies.
        I agree with struggling dad…you will emerge from this stronger. This is so hurtful, but at least now you know.
        Peace to You

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