Lightbulb moment? (part 2)

Quite frankly, I must be due some good news by now on a cosmic scale: About an hour ago, I viewed a house. And it turned out to be a nice town-house, with a little outside space, in the right location, near my son’s school, so… I’m going to get the ball rolling towards a new home for my re-sized family.

On a different, more dragging-yourself-over-glass-shards-type note, I am still none the wiser regarding the univeral mystery of why my partner brutally checked-out of our relationship at the end of last year. And it is driving me bonkers. Some clues I detailed in an earlier post suggested that the dream of another life, with another woman may be have been the trigger.

But of course, life isn’t that simple, and there are other clues that don’t quite fit within that scenario.

Firstly, here’s a reminder:

The facts:

  • In October and November 2010, T and I are happy enough to discuss plans for Baby Nr3 and buying a house
  • From end of November to end of December, T becomes increasingly negative, depressed and distant
  • Early January 2011, he informs me things are over and leaves
  • Sometime between January and about a month ago, T starts seeing The New Ms T

The mystery:

What on earth happens between the end of November and the end of December 2010? In other words why does T suddenly turn into Distant Bastard From Hell and destroys our relationship out of nowhere, with such incredible speed and finality?

Mystery solved (part 2)?

In early November, T who is a junior doctor, starts a three-month placement in the ambulance service, involving very high workload and pressure. In fact, I remember worrying when I saw the densely packed planning of his night and weekend shifts, as I knew we were in for yet another challenging couple of months, when what our relationship, and generally our family desperately needed was a chance to have an easy life after a year of dramatic changes.

As the month progresses, he becomes increasingly stressed and tired, yet for some reason that still escapes me, he keeps up his efforts to help more at home and with the children, even though I do not  expect him to. Thinking about it, he may have used it to build up resentment against me. As November turns into December, his grumpiness turns into a distant depressed mood, he finds it hard to sleep, and clearly tries to spend as little time at home as possible. For some reasons linked to his personal history, December tends to be a difficult month for T, and this may have tipped him over the edge of a burn-out.

At this point, he may genuinely feel dreadful, depressed and desperate to escape. Then, I think it’s always been easier for T to blame someone close to him when he’s not feeling right, than to confront his own problems or acknowledge the effects of stress. At this stage, our relationship becomes the fuse, the epitome of everything that is wrong in his life, and so he blows it.

No other woman in this scenario … Unless of course, there’s always the possibility that what happened is a mixture of the two.

So here I am, with still no certainties, and it is eating at me. Why? I guess because if he does turn out to be the sort of person who goes through life always thinking the grass looks greener with someone else, it’s got nothing to do with me, or the way we worked as a couple, and he will carry on going through life destroying other people on the way. It would be such a relief to finally understand. Only I’m stuck with still no responses. Aaaaargh!

Ok, time to fantasise about what I would do to that new house…

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3 thoughts on “Lightbulb moment? (part 2)

  1. Dame E.

    Ma situation est donc semblable.

    Every “reason” you have described holds true in X leaving me…but she also had the previous fantasy of him to fall back on.
    This phrase especially ” At this point, he may genuinely feel dreadful, depressed and desperate to escape. Then, I think it’s always been easier for T to blame someone close to him when he’s not feeling right, than to confront his own problems or acknowledge the effects of stress. At this stage, our relationship becomes the fuse, the epitome of everything that is wrong in his life, and so he blows it.”

    This is my life. I don’t know or understand how people can forget how much they are loved and see for themselves the love held for them. People would look at X and I and comment to her …”you two are so good together, he (me) loves you so much!”

    We still held hands up until 2 weeks before she started looking for a place to live. I called her every day just to tell her I loved her.

    The problem is that all of my “assumptions” (like yours) are just assumptions, and we will never really know for certain.
    I have had experts (therapist) say much the same thing though about X and her “reasons” My daughter has even commented that her mom would get mad at someone else but end up blaming me.

    J’ai de l’empathie pour vous. Je comprends les déconcertent que ne sachant apporte

    I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Just know…that this is not unique and that people a quarter of the way around the world share your experience.

    Paix à vous

    Vous cherchez à nouveau bouddha

  2. Thanks for your support LFBA. It’s nice to know I’m not alone going through this crap. J’espere que tu trouveras bouddha ;). x

    • Dame E

      Merci. Mais après, j’ai découvert ce qu’elle a dit récemment, Je pense avoir besoin de tuer le Bouddha, et permettre à la sicilienne à la règle.

      I know that my syntax and grammar are off…sorry…but hope you understand what i mean. see my last post for what she said recently.

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