Another Summer

It is Friday night, I hang up the laundry, the music starts playing:

I look up and see the dying daylight, the mountains, trees swaying in the breeze. I stop and breathe for what feels like the first time in a fortnight, watch the darkening clouds shift across the sky, hear the mopeds on the avenue, and smell the lilies on the balcony.

I have lived without noticing I was alive all week, with a knot in the stomach, the urge to cry, and a rolling list of things to sort out: Leave instructions for the baby-sitter, report bicycle theft to the police, finalise work travel arrangements for next week, repair broken shelf, write shopping list, get birthday present for  son’s friend, book Summer activities, change lightbulb, check homework, sign papers, pay bills, remember snacks, smile, look normal, run late, look in control, find solutions, apologise, run…

Today is nearly gone, and the gentle breeze pushes last week across the sky. I am alone, and sad, it feels like the end, but really this is just another Summer…

My thanks to Meredith for her advice and to Yann Tiersen for his music.

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9 thoughts on “Another Summer

  1. The reason I am looking for buddha again…is just that. I have not been able to meditate well since this all hit the fan again Jan 1, 2010.
    I’ve had a few moments of calm. More pronounced when it looked like (for a short time) that we would put the marriage back together. But the snake kept in her ear, soothing, manipulative, convincing words about TRUE love. If I truly loved her then I would be happy for her in her pursuit towards him. Any upset on my part is just an attempt at control and manipulation…and isn’t she needing to get away from this?

    “I have lived without noticing I was alive all week, with a knot in the stomach, the urge to cry, and a rolling list of things to sort out” Ohhh, how well I know this. Existing, Not living. Myself lost in the chasm. Looking for snippets of light. Loving my children, yet time with them is a reminder of what more was lost. Where have I gone?? If I can find buddha again (not a religous thing…but a place of being centered), then maybe I can find me again. I must…as much for me as for my kids.

    Your words reach out across the Pacific. You have my empathy and understanding.

    LFBA

    • Dear LFBA, thank you for your kind words. While what you are going through is not nice, it is nice to know that other people out there understand and feel the way I do. You are right, last night was a brief moment of peace and feeling centered again. I wish I knew how to stay like this. Like you, I wonder where I’ve gone, and worry that my children will remember a frazzled, unhappy mum.
      I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for, x

  2. Finding even one moment of peace in the immediate aftermath of what you’ve gone through is a good thing. An impressive thing. They are not easily found and even harder to hold on to. I personally think that being aware of them when they come, even if the moments are fleeting, helps you recognize them and maybe even find them more often. Maybe it’s like a muscle that must be exercised. The being still (even if just for a moment). The determination to find the beauty *somewhere*. The bad stuff isn’t going away–the pain and the stress and the frustration and the anger and the bewilderment–they’re going to stick around. Being sad is ok. But if you can find those quiet moments to be still inside and just let yourself feel it, I think the nice moments will come more often. Keep breathing.

    • I am glad you think this is an achievement (nearly 6 months after my life started unravelling), because I am beginning to worry that I am not “recovering” fast enough. I am nowhere near feeling balanced or happy again, and was wondering if this was normal. Anyway, the brief moment of peace felt like such a relief, I wish I knew how to hold on to it… Have you become better at it with time? I’ll remember the breathing, and hope. In the meantime, thank you 🙂

  3. There is no road map and no set timeframe for “getting over it” or “moving on” or whatever. You’ll go at your own pace and it’ll likely be two steps forward, one step back for a long while (still is for me). For me the key was (and is) to try to carve out a new life for yourself. Find new friends, new hobbies, new ways of spending your time. Do new things with your kiddos. Change your routine. Eat a different breakfast, try a new route to work, spend the day on a picnic instead of a movie or vice versa. Try to look at your life with fresh eyes and find the things about it that are objectively good and beautiful. Then hold on like hell to those things and try to let the other stuff fall away. It’s not easy, but you can do it.

    • i completely agree with nowisgood. even getting out of bed on the other side is a way to break an old pattern.
      believe me i know it is tough. i’m 14 months into this…and i thought we had healed from the first affair 5 yrs ago…but it still hits me everyday.

      Even though I am not succesful at it right now, you can tell yourself what to do in anticipation of the thoughts that arise.

      Like…if I think about mourning the loss of family, i can tell my self that i will make the best of the time I do spend with them. I can set that pattern of thought.

      I usd to be very good at this with my wife and kids. I planted memories to recall when the kids behaved badly. it allowed me to deal with them from a point of love and not frustration.

      So, you are doing well. It takes time. I was with X for 15 years and I loved her for most of that. 14 months of this is nothing compared to that…so I anticipate for me it will take a while.

      Probably for you too and it’s ok.

      Wishing you peace

      LFBA

      • LFBA, I’ll have a go at anticipating the negative thought patterns, it sounds like an interesting idea too.
        At the moment, I know that memories of good times keep catching me by surprise al the time and hurt, then there’s the thought that he’s not only destroyed what we had built, he is now building with someone else, finally, the worst one is the pain my little boy has to go through, and the fact that I cannot protect him…
        Interesting that you have done some life coaching, I’m sure it is still helping you through the tough times.

        • Seeing your kids hurt is that icy dagger. Seeing the life you were building now being built with someone else speaks to the whole loss of promise that is so painful.
          For your ex…you may just have to be cordial and force it.
          Your kids will surely have some behavioral repercussions. just remember it is natural. That ALL of you may be hurting and to pause before reacting. Bring that fond memory of something your kids did, or some success you had outside of the relationship to the forefront. Keep it accessible. Force those thoughts to happen. Over time they will be your natural go to place.
          and yes…admittedly I struggle with this too when it is in regard to my ex. So for her I simply choose silence. Irrespective of my failure at the moment, these are things that do work. But…it takes time to build the habit and there will be failures along the way.
          Good Luck

    • Mmm, will try for changes…I’ve actually felt a growing urge to move homes lately, to get away from what was our life, change the furniture, escape the memories. I am away from France this week, and it feels like a relief, a chance to escape the traumas of he last few months, by having physical distance between them and me. On the recovery route, I wish stupidly wish I could speed time though, because I have had enough of hurting that much and that often.

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