Da big wipe-out

Right, so da big talk last night started out ok, we settled at a nice bar and managed a bit of chit-chat on the terrace. But then, I’m still not sure why, it all went horribly wrong. A bit like a deadly miniature replica of our entire history, really…

I ended up hearing the worst, most hurtful things T has ever uttered, and even though I am pretty sure hurting me wasn’t actually on his agenda, I am left shell-shocked and devastated, back to square one, only worse.

I am now scared of the man who used to share my life, as all I seem to get from him is pain. While I am not pretending to think straight after a sleepless night, I now see him at best as a mutant lacking the empathy gene, at worse as a psycho who is unwittingly going to destroy my children after destroying me.

He just does not seem to realise the pain he is causing, and keeps an ever-expanding tab of all my faults and mistakes.

And so I heard how I had always suffocated and dominated him, how he desperately tried to talk to me but I didn’t change (was I supposed to?), didn’t understand him and kept hurting him, how I cruelly belittled him and prevented him from becoming a fully fledged dad and step-dad, how things were so bad he had no choice but to leave me lest he topped himself off, how we had our daughter too quickly, and the crown jewel: How the children are so much happier with him now than when we were together. Now how can someone so clever be so blind to their children’s suffering is beyond me.

He said we’re just different because he felt like one thing one day but had no idea what he’d want six months down the line, let alone in 20 years. Quite frankly, I wish I’d known that detail before I had his child…

And we are also different because he believes he has really tried everything to make us work, without involving me in this great effort of course. No kidding, we sure are different then. Because for me, “I will never let you down, I will always be there for you” kind of meant always, as in longer than 2 and a half years…

The fact that the circumstances we were thrown into were so harsh, they would have shaken the strongest of relationships is irrelevant to him, when it means everything to me. I still don’t think there was anything horribly wrong between us, and I am still looking for the insurmountable incompatibility he sees (might have to get the microscope out).

One last detail, there is apparently a new Ms T on the horizon, who is probably hearing all about what a witch I have been and how miserable he was with me. She is probably thinking poor man, at least I can make him happy now. Ghosh, that was me three years ago! I am sure she is a nice unsuspecting woman, and I just want to warn her, to tell her to protect herself.

I just could not sleep at all last night as T’s words embedded themselves into my brain like shrapnel. I had heard about the fact that people tore everything up into confetti during and after break-ups, but never truly realised the meaning of this until last night. Our future is wiped-out, the present is best forgotten, and even our past is a pile of smoking ashes. The beautiful, rare and strong connection I was proud to be half of existed only in my mind.

To all of you going through or having been through difficult break-ups, how do you come to terms with this level of destruction?

This morning, my beautiful children cuddled me hard as I couldn’t hide my distress, and my son even made me breakfast in bed: They are the sweetest children, and I am so glad to have them. They deserve better.


16 thoughts on “Da big wipe-out

  1. Sh1tF*ckW@nkbollox!! That’s crap and you don’t deserve any of it. You’re best out of it my lovely. I know it doesn’t feel like it now….but you are. You’ll just have to come to some agreement about the kids and try and detach yourself from it/him. You haven’t done any of those things, he’s being nasty because he’s behaved appallingly and he’s lashing out at you. He clearly has a very seriously messed up head – let the new one have him and she’ll go through the same crap – as will the one after her.

    He’s a serial buggerupyourlifeamist!!

    The sun will shine again Lady E, hang on to those kids and put a nice DVD on. None of this is your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. And I promise you’ll get through this.

    • Hey Jo, so good to hear from you. Must email as we’re coming to england soon early July. You know what? I agree with you this time. I am better off without him. Too much is too much and something has flicked in me: I want him out of my life (and if I have any say out of my kids’life funtil his head is sorted out). You know how committed I am to children having the right to seeing both their parents, but in this case, and at this moment, I really believe T does not reailse the hurt he causes the children, and that makes him dangerous.
      I wish it wasn’t so sad things had gotten to this.
      I gave it my all.
      Big kisse to you all xxxx

  2. Are they using the same guidebook and learning their lines by heart? When I was reading what he had told you it was almost exactly the same what my ex was saying.. (minus the children part).

    Oh, and if there is a T ho then yes, he is telling her what an awful person you are. My name was dragged through the deepest of the muds in front of my ex’s then lover. And when I told him how unloyal and hurtful it is, he was truly and genuinely shocked. It didn’t stop him from talking badly about me though.

    I won’t be oryginal, but I can tell you – time, and nothing else will get you out of your distress. It does take a very, very long time. Little, tiny step by step. Sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards… But eventually you will get there. xx

    • Ha, the guidebook, why did I not think of that?? I’m sure he’s got it as an i-phone app too. 😉
      There is def a new Ms T, and good luck to her, she can have him, he’s a headcase.
      Can we fast forward the time now please?
      Anyway, thanks for your continued support, funnily enough small things like that mean a lot at times like this xx

  3. I’m so sorry for you.

    I read your post and think …wow, that’s what happened to me too. I’m still in shock that the woman I spent almost 15 years with has left me (again) for the serial adulterer she is with. Every line you wrote is something out of my records and journal.

    Women can be this way too.

    I guess in order to do what they do, they must rationalize and trivialize. Only 2 months before she left, my wife was telling people what a great husband and father I was and how she was so lucky to be with one of the great guys.
    1 month after she left, she told me that our relationship was never great…and that she settled for me.

    I understand your confusion and turmoil.

    • Somehow, just knowing that some people out there understand what you’re going through feels better, doesn’t it?
      As you said, the way our exes get the courage to destroy the relationship they built is by devaluing it and rationalising. And that’s so hurtful…
      Read you soon!

  4. I can just paste the bullshit you cop from your ex into my blog so I don’t have to bother typing out the shit my husband tries to pin on me.

    It is getting so much harder to hang on. I’m in no mood for this bullshit.

    • Hey BRD, It’s mad isn’t it? I am just suddendly exhausted from dealing with the emotional maturity of a pre-schooler. I understand why you’re finding it hard to hang on. I think I have let go. At long last… It still hurts though.
      Hang on in there. We’re right behind you.

      • I think I can hang in unless he leaves. Then it is going to be open season.

        You’re much nicer at this point than I’m going to be, I can assure you. Once he allows his selfishness to hurt my babies….

        • I can understand, and the temptation is definitely there. I don’t quite remember what I said Friday, but I think I tried to hit back on a couple of occasions…
          But the thing is, all I’ve read about divorce says that all-out conflict between the parents is the single factor, which damages the children most. I really want to avoid it, in fact, I’m really scared we’re heading for it. Sadly, his own parents had a messy divorce and he still does not speak to his dad.

          • I would never dream of starting any conflict in front of the children. When we talk in private however, I’m not so interested any more in hearing him talk endlessly about how HIS life is MY fault.

            This quote from Martha Washington sums up what I think about my husband and his problems:

            “I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.”

  5. As expected, many of the kind people who have commented have had startlingly similar experiences to yours (which makes me wonder if I might be next for the chopping block) and all have been supportive.

    Whatever problems T has, you’re not going to be able to solve them. There was a chance, a slim chance, for a while, but you now know you’re past that. It’s time to take the time (per Surrey Gal) to recover and build yourself up again. It’s going to be slow and not stready, but you’re going to get there. Do you recall that I set the end of 2011 as a goal for both of us to be ‘healed’? It was an arbitrary date, but it might turn out to be a reasonable goal.

    Having the support of the kids make a difference. Acting maturely, and not bringing them into this, saves them more hurt.

    You’re doing well; it’s just hard for you to see it yet…

    • Thanks SD. In all honesty, I am struggling to keep acting maturely because at times grief and pain overwhelm me… I just do what I can.
      I hope your healing predictions come true. It’s such a drag in the meantime, can we fast forward? x

  6. BREATHE. Deeply and often. What you’ve described is completely “normal” in this all-too-common effed up scenario. At least, this is how it went down in my house, too.

    There *is* a playbook, for sure. The words and the the steps the person leaving speaks and takes seem to be the same across the board. It’s them justifying their horrible actions so they can look in the mirror each day. It’s rationalization to ease their guilt. It’s … just what happens when it’s over.

    And it sucks. One breath at a time. One day at a time. Just … TIME. It gets easier. For all of you.

    • Thanks for the advice. It remains a terrifying mystery how two people who sincerely and deeply love each other can get to this stage in the space of a few months.
      I think you’re right about the rationalisation afterwards rather than truly thinking things through before they do them.
      Anyway, it’s an inspiration to see how far you’ve got after 2 years…I’ll cling to that for now. x

      • I’m now 14 months out since X and J officially committed to each other. One of the hardest things is seeing him being “tolerated” by her family. He will never be accepted as a part of the family, but they must tolerate him to support X. Still…there he sits at my spot at the table. They occasionally laugh at his jokes. X and J view this as “great…see, everyone will come around and love him”…which only helps them bond together against me who can never condone this.
        So…even now, that pain and grief you speak of can be found seething just under the surface.
        I’m always amazed at people that seem to heal quickly. Maybe it’s tough on this end because it is hard for me to develop really deep feelings, yet once I do, they become a part of me. To let go means I have to kill off that part.

        That mystery of how 2 people who supposedly love each other deeply, can get to this is truly boggling to the mind.

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