Da big talk

A couple of weeks ago I flew off the handle, and pretty much cornered T into a long overdue discussion. It’s been over five months since he walked out on me, I still don’t really understand why, and most definitely don’t understand his current behaviour with respect to the children.  I believe this is a risk because things could easily slide into  all-out war given the current astronomic level of misunderstandings and tension between us.

So I suggested we met up in a bar for a big talk, and…if all goes well, this will happen tomorrow night. Ghaaaaaaaaa!

So far, I have managed to stick my head in the sand and ignore the dreaded upcoming date, but now that it’s nearly there, I feel like I’m going for the hardest job interview ever with no clothes on, or something…What should I say? What should I do? And most important of all, what should I wear?

In terms of objectives, I would like us to start getting back on tracks towards trusting each other again, because I see this as a major issue : It clouds all our interactions, and loads the slightest negotiation about the children with lead. But how do I go about that? And how will I manage to surf the wave of fear, anger and sadness which submerges me every time I see or hear him?

Ok, so how about some homework for you dear readers: What’s the advice ?


13 thoughts on “Da big talk

  1. I completely relate to your state of anxiety, Every time I get an email from X (our only form of communication right now), my stomach churns.

    But…you want a more open dialogue with T. Is that correct?

    and…is the point of the meeting to be better for the kids? or do you have the idea that you want to rekindle with T?

    The latter I’m sure would make you fill of trepidation and make you feel as if you are performing.

    So. Be you. If this is for the kids, try (and believe me I know it is exceedingly difficult) to put your ego and concern about his feelings for you in a little bag and leave it by your door.

    Focus on what the mission is. Be polite. Be straightforward. No agendas. Show up as you and not who you think he may want you to be.

    • Hey there,
      At this stage restore some form of open communication will be good enough, and can only benefit everyone in my opinion.
      I’ll try to bag my ego, but that’ll be hard as it’s still hurting badly…
      Thanks for the advice!

    • My man is pretty useless at communicating too. Maybe they could join the Most Incommunicative Men Anonymous together?
      …Thanks for the well-wishes!

      • He’d have to acknowledge his own inability to communicate first. Currently his explanation for never bringing anything up is because “I’m So Meeean and Never Listen!”. But it is a great idea nonetheless. At least they would both have someone to listen to how wronged they are, and how no-one really understands.

        I’d laugh, if it wasn’t so ridiculously teenaged.

  2. Hi E,

    I think you know some of what I think …

    – First and foremost, you need to get closer to knowing if there is any chance of repair now or in the future

    – Second to that, you need to know whether he will one day walk out completely or will always want to play a part in the family. Related to that, what happens next with work for him? Might he move to another part of France to further his career? Would he expect you to follow him (haha!)? Knowing what he’s thinking (IF he’s thinking) about this helps you figure out what options you have for yourself and what plans you can make for your own future. If he’s NOT considered the future, that alone tells you something…

    Dress sexy. Perhaps you can make him feel jealous/regretful without even having to find a studly local on short notice.

    How do you get him to open up? Only someone who knows him well could answer that. Perhaps a few drinks will do it. Perhaps he likes to be asked questions. Perhaps he likes to avoid questions and opening up and instead likes to talk about current affairs or politics.

    Most important: get him talking, however you do it. Then you can slide in a tougher question for him when he’s already chatting and open with you.

    Be careful to see when you meet resistance; better not to get all the answers in one night than annoy him. If the night doesn’t leave a sour taste in his mouth, he might be willing to make a regular thing of it.

    The fear, anger and sadness have to be left home on Friday night. Since you want something from him — information — you’ll have to be strong and thoughtful. Sorry…

    If you get into the details about the children, perhaps you tell him you’d like to know what he feels NOW about the kids, without regard to the future. If nothing else, it lets you plan upcoming things more easily.

    If you get into the details about the misunderstandings and tension and he says, “You did X” perhaps you can stop him and ask how sure he is that his reading of X is accurate and complete, and can ask if he wants to hear *your* interpretation of X. He’s stuck at that point. If he says no, he’s just said he’s not interested in the truth. So he has to say yes, and you get your chance to present the Other Viewpoint.

    Good luck! Don’t drink too much!

  3. Thanks Struggling Dad, mmm…On 1 and 2, I have my doubts. This is a guy who 6 months ago wanted another baby with me, and look where we are now. How could I trust any of his intentions for the future now?

    I think I fully agree on all the rest though 🙂 x

  4. Pingback: Da big wipe-out « Poor cow in France

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