It all started so insignificantly…
Today, T was visiting the children, when I heard him tell someone on the phone that he was just visiting his daughter. My son was in the room too, and obviously heard this. It was only a silly little comment, nothing major, yet it became the last drop for me, after weeks spent silently witnessing T’s emotional withdrawal from my son.
I blew up, and pretty much forced him into a discussion, which is probably a big fat no-no in the Guide to Handling Guys with an Emotional Maturity of 3 and a half, and an Aversion to Confrontations, but there you are, I did it anyway. Shoot me.
To cut a long story short, it would seem that the two people who six months ago loved each other enough to genuinely want another baby and to buy a house together, have gotten to a stage of mutual defiance such that he sees me as some sort of Gaddafi-type bent on ruling his life and making him feel inadequate, and I distrust him so completely that I believe he will eventually dump both my children.
He still seems to hold me responsible for the state of advanced unhappiness he suddenly found himself in last December, and focuses on every single bad moment we’ve ever had to justify his view that we did not get on. All the good times have obviously paled into insignificance. And nothing much has changed in the nearly 5 months since he left me, as he is still simmering on a long list of frustrations, disappointments and shortcomings (all mine obviously).
I am getting tired of this, of saying I’m sorry he felt that way, and that I only wanted a chance to address these problems with him. He still refuses to consider this possibility based on the belief that I cannot change. Now, that’s interesting on two accounts 1) If I understand rightly, I’m the only one who would have needed to change, 2) He does not trust my ability to change… Based on what exactly? Well I guess I’ll just have to add this to my long list of whys…
Still, emboldened by the fact that we actually talked, and the view that if we keep going like this – ie. Not talking and accumulating fears and resentments-, the potential for future conflicts will soon make Kabul seem like a peaceful haven, I have dropped him an email to ask if we could talk soon.
Given that I tend to
turn into a great big ball of fear and anger be a teensie bit tense, when I talk to him, I reasoned why not go out and talk after a couple of drinks. So, the offer is out there.
Now the ball is in his camp…
A smooth weekend dance anthem just for you, now get that volume up and keep your fingers crossed for me! Snoop dog vs. David Guetta – Sweat