Locking up

Things have been tough lately. I have done a few rounds of feeling sad, then angry, sorry for myself, inadequate, usually ending up feeling trapped in my own life, and wanting to leave.

Last night, I cycled under the blooming lindens in the early evening light, and their lovely smell transported me back to a year ago, when Summer was still a promise, and my life was what I had always wanted it to be. I am still shocked to be here today, bereft and uncomprehending.

I know you’re supposed to look forward, not back, but I cannot help myself, too much has happened way too fast…

Two years ago, I sold my car, organised good-bye parties, and secretly cursed the commuters feigning fascination for their newspapers when they saw me get into a full carriage, my huge bump preceding me, on the morning train to London.

I owned a house, an oh-so-English Victorian cottage, which was small like me, and cute like me – though I hasten to add that I do not look even remotely English or Victorian…

This house had been a safe haven for my son and me since I had moved in, after yet another catastrophe, a couple of weeks before he was born. Then, one clear morning in late July, I locked the house up for the last time, pulled out some weeds from the lavender, and left.

I remember crying most of the way to Gatwick airport, and wondering (briefly) if I was doing the right thing before taking off for my new life in France. Since that day, I have not had the time to properly grieve for the huge chapter of my life that closed with that door.

Part of me wishes I could just go back now, unlock the door and be back into safety, back to life before T, but part of me knows things could never be the same.

Adele – Someone like you:

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4 thoughts on “Locking up

  1. Pingback: Moving on to whatever comes next | I think Divorce is likely

  2. I wrote a companion post to this but I didn’t think to mention how hard it is to leave.

    Even when there is promise in a new land or city, the grip of the familiar sights, sounds, and (especially) smells is powerful. Each outbound journey was sad, each had backward glances and “Are you sure about this?” self-doubts.

    Each worked out over time. The nightmare of your current situation will brighten sooner than you think. Hang in there.

  3. Pingback: Moving on to whatever comes next | Four is a Family

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