The idea has been creeping up on me over the last few weeks.
Not knowing what to do with it, I shut it out in a cupboard and ignored it, but every time I felt
less pathetically sorry for myself better it crept back out, and silently taunted me. If I had been T, would I have done better?
So far, I have pretty much spent four months feeling all wronged and righteous because I was unable to do anything else… I think it is understandable under the circumstance – your partner turning into Cold Bastard from Hell overnight, and leaving you with two little kids isn’t exactly conducive to equanimity. But I guess this is also just my side of the story…
Now, what if I had been T? If I had always found it hard to be aware, let alone express my needs and frustrations? If I had been a 28 year old guy, with a very difficult family history, who had become a husband, dad and step-dad barely a year after meeting my partner, and had to juggle this new family with a highly pressured job? Would I have done better then?
The truth is I just don’t know.
I guess we all mostly try to do our best, because it makes us feel good about ourselves. And sometimes what feels like our best to us, can look and feel pretty crap to others… Likewise, we like to think we did the right thing, when in reality what makes us think, act, or react is just so endlessly complex, that it becomes difficult to say what is right or wrong with any kind of definitiveness. Finally, I believe we are all far from perfect, and we behave selfishly or even slightly immorally at times (or is that just me ;)?)… So where does that leave me then?
Well, I’m not sure yet… I still feel pretty wronged and righteous, still do not understand T, much less forgive him (I’m not Mother effing Teresa). But the seed of doubt has been planted, and I just don’t know what will grow from it…
PS. My thanks to fellow blogger Howl for giving me a glimpse of what things might feel like on the other side…
Alela Diane – Desire: