Seed of doubt

photo credit Susanna S.

The idea has been creeping up on me over the last few weeks.

Not knowing what to do with it, I shut it out in a cupboard and ignored it, but every time I felt less pathetically sorry for myself better it crept back out, and silently taunted me. If I had been T, would I have done better?

So far, I have pretty much spent four months feeling all wronged and righteous because I was unable to do anything else… I think it is understandable under the circumstance – your partner turning into Cold Bastard from Hell overnight, and leaving you with two little kids isn’t exactly conducive to equanimity. But I guess this is also just my side of the story…

Now, what if I had been T? If I had always found it hard to be aware, let alone express my needs and frustrations? If I had been a 28 year old guy, with a very difficult family history, who had become a husband, dad and step-dad barely a year after meeting my partner, and had to juggle this new family with a highly pressured job? Would I have done better then?

The truth is I just don’t know.

I guess we all mostly try to do our best, because it makes us feel good about ourselves. And sometimes what feels like our best to us, can look and feel pretty crap to others… Likewise, we like to think we did the right thing, when in reality what makes us think, act, or react is just so endlessly complex, that it becomes difficult to say what is right or wrong with any kind of definitiveness. Finally, I believe we are all far from perfect, and we behave selfishly or even slightly immorally at times (or is that just me ;)?)… So where does that leave me then?

Well, I’m not sure yet… I still feel pretty wronged and righteous, still do not understand T, much less forgive him (I’m not Mother effing Teresa). But the seed of doubt has been planted, and I just don’t know what will grow from it…

PS. My thanks to fellow blogger Howl for giving me a glimpse of what things might feel like on the other side…

Alela Diane – Desire:

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7 thoughts on “Seed of doubt

  1. E,

    Whether T broke down before he broke up, whether he just drifted away because of external influences, he owed — and owes — you an explanation. Your own healing process has been delayed, perhaps not even properly started, because of the uncertainties about what went wrong, and whether repair might still be possible.

    I’m confident, had you been in T’s position, you would have taken the time to talk through your struggles or even your failures. Had you been T, it might or might not have changed the outcome of the relationship, but your partner would have had some understanding and closure. That uncertainty is one of the big difficulties you have faced, and faced with as much strength as any could.

    • Hey SD, I agree with you on the fact that he does owe me some serious explanation. But he’s obviously not ready yet, and there’s nothing to be gained from pressuring him into explaining because he would just fob me off with some half-baked reasons again. I guess I just have to be patient on this front…
      Hope your weekend is better than your week!

  2. As ever E, the nicest and kindest person in the world. But I agree with SD, even if it had ended the same way – you wouldn’t have done the same thing. I don’t believe you have it in you. All he needed to have done was say one sentence. “I’m not feeling very happy.” Even if he’d offered up no more info than that at least you would have had the chance to sit him down, talk, try and find a solution, even if that solution was for him to leave, you would have been part of the decision. Its not that hard to be a bit decent. He’s 28. Not 8!

  3. Hey Jo!
    Well, no really, I ain’t the nicest or kindest person in the world, but thanks 🙂
    I think you’re right in the sense that if the roles had been reversed, I would have felt something was wrong and attempted to talk about it/fix it one way or another.
    But I’m infinitely more self aware than T, and I am able to say what I want and don’t want. He’s obviously pants at that, always has been, and it had already cost him his previous relationship I think…
    To be fair, he did initially say, I’m not happy, things are not right between us, but since things were pretty good from my point of view and this sudden revelation scared me, I dismissed it and told him things were fine, that it was his problem he wasn’t happy. He did say he didn’t love me, etc…and I was too shocked, hurt and scared to truly listen I guess. He wasn’t ready to try to fix things by that stage anyway…

  4. Please, don’t blame yourself, and don’t try to find out who is right and who is wrong..
    T must have his side of story but he failed to communicate it to you…
    You deserve an explanation, especially if things were not right between the two of you.
    It’s often the case, isn’t it, one person thinks all is fine and the other one leaves because they were so wrong…

    • Hello Surrey Gal,
      I know he must have his side of the story, and can envisage things may have been so wrong for him… But like you say, he should have told me about it, not just to explain, but so that we would have a chance to address the problems. To my mind, this is the crunch: When you commit to having a family, you commit to exhausting all possibilities of saving it before you break it. At least this is what T and I had discussed before we committed…

  5. Pingback: If I didn’t have you, someone else would do, and other hard truths about relationships « Poor cow in France

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