On coming home

Weapon of mass destruction?

I live a life of adventures, I really do.

Only this morning, I hiked through the woods in dainty ballet pumps, washed my hair with something hotel-issued that smelt and felt like washing-up liquid, and narrowly escaped death by Elton John, at the hands of the (blatantly deaf) driver taking me back to Frankfurt airport.

Airport security did not disappoint: I had to put my sunglasses and my cardigan through the X-ray machine to make sure they weren’t really machine guns, ABBA CDs or some other equally lethal weapon…

Anyway, I am safely back home, feeling slightly jaded. The past couple of days felt like I was living somebody else’s life: Going to work, meeting people, sampling the many variations on the theme of Wurst at the canteen, going out for dinner in central Heidelberg, before heading back to the hotel and collapsing on an unfeasibly fluffy duvet.

Rather disappointingly, this interlude in my normal daily grind seems to have added to my general state of confusion rather than cleared my mind. I  am sitting on the sofa, looking up at the mountains: They’re still there, but looking different in ever shrinking snow tops (think Britney Spears’ tops, only made of snow).

I look around at the flat, and things are the same but also different, with most of T’s possessions gone now. And no-one but me seems to remember what things looked like before.

Dido & Faithless – One step too far

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8 thoughts on “On coming home

  1. Oh, I hate you for this song! (not really though)
    For a start one of Dido’s songs was “our song”, it was also our first dance on the wedding…
    And secondly it reminded me that despite the fact that I like thinking that I moved on, I’m still waiting…

    • Sorry mate! 🙂
      I know what you mean. I cannot bear to listen to our songs yet…As for “one step too far”, yep, that’s me too, I’m still waiting.
      I think until we are able to invest in another serious relationship, we won’t have truly moved on. Good luck with that SSD of yours !

      • Thanks, I don’t have good feelings about tonight :/
        I think that we won’t be able to invest in another serious relationship until we move on.. at least me, I always still compare.. not a good thing.

  2. Funny you should mention hotel shampoo/conditioner. Even though we drove here to the seaside, I told the kids not to bother with bringing our own shampoo/conditioner as the hotel would provide it. A mistake on my part not to bring the kind that does NOT dissolve hair!

    I find, in a way I hope you don’t find offensive, some ‘comfort’ in your confusion/jaded feelings. Before you hit the button, let me explain! Based on the ups and downs I am experiencing, I think moods and reactions to different stimuli are all over the place while working through a loss like this. It surely means you’re not through to the ‘other side’ yet but, as discussed earlier, you are at least making forward progress.

    In my own case, I find myself being a happy and curious and thoughtful ‘me’ in some situations, then floored or discombobulated (even sad and angry) in other situations. It seems most common when something is ‘out of place.’ For example: When I open a bedroom closet door and see only my clothes there. When I am about to respond to someone with a comment that would normally be inclusive of my wife, I have to pause and phrase my response carefully to avoid too big a fib about her future participation in some event we’re invited to.

    Being away lets you be ‘you’ but coming back home and, in particular, NOT seeing T’s things brings you back to this new reality. The ‘new normal’ will eventually become comfortable, but it’s a shame no-one can show you the timer that’s slowing running down before you can get on with your life and start looking forward with confidence you won’t stumble.

    My only question is whether it is better to experience and feels these ups and downs, or to avoid them. Some people respond to the feelings you describe by major lifestyle changes and this may not be a good solution. My instinct is that working through the pain seems better than hiding from it. I hope I’m right.

    • Hello Struggling Dad,
      I hope you’re right too. And I am tired of this whole working through the pain lark to be quite honest. I want to be through with pain, because it’s a little bit like greasy stodge, I have had so much of it lately, that just the thought of it makes me heave…I have a very low pain threshold right now.
      Though in perfect contradiction to this, I’m not sure I really want things to start looking normal the way they are now, if you see what I mean. I’m not ready to move on. 😦

      • These days, it seems perfectly reasonable to hold positions that are in stark contradiction to one another.

        Unless T may still come back, and this I know nothing about, you are getting closer and closer with each new journey and adventure to making that mental leap into looking forward at last.

  3. Sadly the pain lasts as long as the pain lasts. It does get easier, believe me, I do know.

    It’s a killer at the beginning. But there is a good world out there. It just takes time – and courage – to embrace it. And sometimes help does help.

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